Jul>3Jesus | Cactus Vision Life

I will learn to make decisions for myself...

2008-09-17T21:03:00.002+08:00

Alot of stuff have really happened in my life recently... Had my first shepherding with H.L yesterday, it was really a very fruitful session. Leadership, I knew it was tough and challenging but never did I expect it to be so much deeper than what I thought. The qualities, characteristics which a leader should have, is indeed important, because it do affects the people whom the leader lead. I have gave myself a challenge, to be a leader like how Jesus whom minister to people, spreading the words of God and showing God's love through his actions.

Spiritual life, I have to be responsible for myself, no matter what kind of decisions I make, I will have to bear the consequences for myself. I have got alot of challenges recently, whether in spiritual life, family life or even my relationship.

Family life, I have actually thought of moving out but as I thought about it, it is really not as easy as what I thought. I have to thought of what will happen to my mum too, because I have to protect my mum from that jerk whom I really find it hard to love. However, it's a challenge to me, no matter how hard it is, I have to love the people around me. "Relationship is the basis for Discipleship," and when Jesus was with us 2000+ years ago, people failed him too but still he love the people.

No matter how bad he is, how much mistakes he have made, he is still a lost soul whom matters to God. Definitely, everyone will make mistakes, no one is perfect and I am not in the position to judge him either because ultimately only God have the rights to judge all of us. And no matter what he do, he will have to account to God for all that he have done in his life time.

Relationship, I am confused and stuck with the kind of decisions I should make. Knowing that letting go of the relationship, may be painful but perhaps she will be happier but still I find it hard because each time when I want to let go, something will definitely happen and it's something bad. Recently, I realized I am not as patient as before towards her, I could get angry over trivial matters, get abit impatient when she starts to drag abit or make me wait for some time. I have no idea why am I like this, but I know that absolutely, it is not because the love has faded away.

I am at the cross road, where I have to choose the kind of path I want to lead with her. The kind of vision I see, I guess is much clearer and I know what I want, inclusive the kind of situation we will be, 3 years or 5 years down the streets. We have very different kind of visions about life or even romance, preferences are like north and south pole. Music is my life while game is her life. After all these while, I guess she have showed me further where do I stand in her heart. I am hurt but I won't hide... I know that ultimately, I still have to decide for the kind of future we will both get involved in...

I am amazed by how I could touch someone's heart with this blog of mine...

2008-09-11T19:11:00.002+08:00

"Felicia, I am really impressed by how much I could touch your heart with what I have written here. But I am still very thankful to God that He have brought us together in such miraculous way, I believe this is part of His plan for me to bring you back to Him through my story. Life is hard, and being at such young age when we are still exploring and we have to deal with alot of temptations, it is really not easy right? God, He understands what we are going through because Jesus came down to suffer all that we are suffering, bt He have gave up. I know that it's really tough for us to persists on at times, especially when dealing with letting go of memories and making the decision to let go of certain stuff, but it is possible for as long as you made the decision, God will help you through."

I am really amazed at how God has used me in bringing Felicia back, though the process took place at quite late, I am surprised that God has worked in our lives. My frienship level with Felicia is at quite a average stage, we don't hang out together or know each other well to the extend whereby we will talk about anything under the stars. To me, she resembles another friend of mine, Joyce Tan who happens to be the shepherd of Wan Ting (someone who affected my life thoroughly). She is someone whom I think is rather loyal to friends, emotional and is definitely a great team player.

I felt abit confused when she said that my life story is quite similar to hers in some aspect, because all these while, I thought my life story is something which God has put lots of tests which I am really thankful that I have managed to pass through. I am not as strong as what anyone have thought, I am just being strengthen through God. If I am able to do things without God, I wouldn't be here on Earth. No matter how strong I am, I am simply nothing compared to dust when God is in place. I am God's creation, His proudest creation ever, my life wouldn't be made possible without his mercy and grace.

His love, touches my heart through an girl whom I thought I was being used, because of her, I know who is Jesus and God's presence in my life. Because of her, I was being given further strength to overcome my family's persecution and objections to cross the border to be in Christ. And as time goes by, his love has touches my heart and as I know and learnt more about him, I know that no one else in this world would love me to the extend of giving up his precious just to save an sinner who dun deserve it at all like me. He taught me who Satan is, and how scary and ugly sins could be, and how they could actually bring us apart from God and destroy us completely.

No matter is when I am studying, practicing my dance steps, vocals with my team mates, or even now that when I am dating in my relationship, when I had quarrles or even some emotional breakdowns, I am really glad that I have Him in my life. When I had quarrels with my partner, when I really realized that I can't communicate, I really realized without him, I really can't move on. All these things wouldn't be possible without him, and it is Him who will ultimately gives me strength when I am weak, courage when I am scared to move on, and the determination to persists on when I am on the verge of giving up.

And today I discover a new song, "Alive in You" by Hillsong, the music is great, especially the guitar introduction, as attractive as usual. What touches me is the lyrics, it's catchy and it is really a perfect combination with the music.

In Jesus, I am alive and being fresnen up to a new being of God's creation. With him, I am alive and no longer that dead zombie who is covered in sins and the price of blood on my hands. I guess, as my sins are being washed by His mercy and His power, I am really glad to have a new start and to have a clear cut to my past. On 2nd of March, a person came into my life and this person clean me thoroughly, he brought me out from the grave of dirty sins and give me a clean new chance to have a new life, and this is GOD!

I have never regret coming into Christ, my only regret is that I didn't get to know Him early. I will never say that I am tired of God or I learnt too much of His words. I want to know Him more, I want to be with Him till eternally and I just want His love to be over with me always.

I have decided on what I have want and I will persist on...

2008-08-24T00:04:00.002+08:00

Life is tough, continuing and maintaining a relationship is even tougher. Before I meet this special one, I really thought that relationship was just like a journey of which you walk with this specific person, and whatever that trip us and make us fall are meant for us to face them together, but I was wrong.

And now, after I meet this special one, I know that though it's hard and chances of success are rather low and challenging, but I would like to really once again proclaim my decision. "Dear, I have decided on what I want, you are the one whom I have chosen to build my dream home together with. We both dream to have a warm, sweet and happy family, I am sure that if we persists on, we can fulfill this dream together."

Maybe right now, there are problems which we have to overcome before we could even have that basic faith in this relationship, but I really hope that no matter how tough, the 2 of us, could really finish this journey together, without regrets and pain again.

As for my life, rather going through ups and downs. No matter how hard I try to convince myself, I really couldn't accept that "extra" family member in my family, my stepfather. He is much naive than what I thought, thinking that my Mum obey him and so naturally, I have to follow whatever he says and go as according to his set of "rules" which seems rather ridiculous.

Girls are not suppose to stay out later than 8pm, Guys are not suppose to even pierce one ear hole, and we are not suppose to bring friends back and etc. What kind of era are we living in right now? Does all these still matters? To me, I would definitely give my kids their own fair share of freedom but at the same time, disciplining them and ensure they know what they are suppose to do and not to do. When it's time to play and have fun, I will allow them to have fun. However, when it's time to be disciplined and enforce the rights and wrongs, I will have to be stern.

Today, dealt with someone whom is not related to me, but in future, if the relationship works out, we are going to be in one family, J.S, who is only around 9 years old this year. He is a pampered kid, who is quite sensible yet naughty and playful at times. I have no alternatives but to use force on him when he keep insisting his way, and even hurt the person whom I really care alot.

Results, hurt my right thumb and now, I can't apply force on it or bend it, 3 scratches on my left arm and bruises on right arm. I could say that, if he is not the brother of whom I care, I would have just given him one great punch on his face to shut him up. Violence, Impatience are stuff which I know I have to work on, and I am really seeking for His help to assist me in overcoming these little flaws of mine. I wish, I hope, I know and I definitely dream that God, my great Father would help me in overcoming all these and end of the day, I will be a proud art piece of my Father Lord.

I am in love with you.

2008-08-21T16:52:00.002+08:00

I am in love, but I am not sure if this love is made to last or made to die off. Recently, there's just a major turning point, someone leave the love entanglement and I am finally holding the person whom I love's hand alone. Though I am suppose to feel glad, I feel scared instead.

"Sometimes When We Touch" by Olivia, is a song which I recently gets to hear by accident, a song which reminds me of this love. I know how much she loves me, but I know she loves him more. Though the love between her and him have ended, nobody knows if the love will patch up again. Nobody knows what will happen in future, no matter how much I wish to continue this love, with my effort alone, will it works?

What is love exactly? Falling in love with her has made me braver and stronger, but the more I get out of this relationship, instead of asking for more, I become afraid of losing them all. I have no idea how to prove my love and sincerity to her, whatever I can do/say, I have really done my best. Because of love, I withdraw from a group which I know will worries her, I give her all my free time and whatever which she needs.

I know how it feels to be lonely and in a world of darkness, I let her go through such pain alone once before, there's not going to be the 2nd time. No way, would I allow myself to leave you behind again.

2008-08-08T21:00:00.002+08:00

Time flies...

The past is really gone and the new is here. I believe once I finally return to where I belong, it will be a new start in my life and I will welcome the new chapter of my life and spiritual life. With such new chapter, I believe I will rightful walk out of my past and enter the new life.

Am looking forward to the new start of my life, and I am really curious to find out who will be the leads in my life. Of course, I would like to take this chance to truly walk out of my past mistakes, I dun deny that I had greatly made alot of mistakes but this will be the time when I turn over to a new start.

I am thankful for all the concern and love which I have been showered on all these while. "I am really glad for all of ur love in my life, without each of your, I won't be here at where I am now." Someone speak to me lately about my goals and dreams of life, this made me can't help thinking, where can I go from this point of my life cross road.

I am afraid to have the same old things happening in my lfie again, but yet, I know that even if I really fall again, I have to be strong and brave to pull myself up because nothing can defeats me. All these while, I got puzzled too by the kind of route I wanna walk on for the rest of my life journey, I dun know what I want, should I head towards Music or Business?

As for the romance area, I would rather say, I really hope that things will just stay where it is, because the more we try to resolve some problems, more problems erupt. I have really done my best in giving you all my happiness, but would you just receive it and not looking into my small little mistakes.

心痛

2008-07-15T22:45:00.000+08:00

我万万没想到一直在我背后说一些无聊的事，导致我碰到了一大堆没必要的麻烦，而这个人当初是我一心栽培和把她带入这个完美的爱。我很失望但也很庆幸，我看清了身边的人，知道谁真心对我好和谁对我是存心想伤害我但却假扮善良。
人类是自私的，往往会为了个人的利益或达到目标，伤害身边的人，甚至自己的好朋友。到现在，我不肯承认这一切是真的，因为真相过然好可怕。我知道在某方面我犯了错，但那也并不代表我不在乎自己所犯下的错。
但每个人都会犯错的，不是吗？为什么我只不过不想再重导自己的错，但为什么过去的错就想锁一样的绑下。有些人会承认自己的错，又有些人却会选着否认，更有些人会把错推给别人。我有是哪一组的人？错并不代表结局，只要犯错的人肯承认自己的錯，勇于面对所有的代价，这个人绝对值得原谅。
人生到底是什么？爱情或友情又到底是什么？人生不应该是个独角戏，上帝给了我们朋友和亲人，就是为了要让我们和别人融合在一起。我身边同样也出现了好多人，无论是课业上，私生或，教会里，都碰到不少朋友。我很庆幸我认识了他们，无论发生任何事，我相信要真真知道谁对我们是真心的，只有到了事情发生了才会知道。
爱情或友情，讲究的不只是感情，信任，付出，也包括相同的梦。“人因梦想而伟大” 或需这句话是对的，但又有多少恋人是真正拥有同有的梦想呢？
或需我已找到这个能够让我想要定下心来的人，但是，我知道我们都还年轻，所以我相信随着时间的流失，我会证明所有的一切。如果到最后，证明是这个人，我会用我这一生来好好爱这个人。

James 1: 2-4

2008-07-14T21:58:00.002+08:00

Finally, the ultimate great test to physical and spiritual is here, have no idea if I would be able to go through this trial but I believe by God's grace and love for me, I will pull through everything.

I managed to settle something which have been bothering me for quite some time, and yes, it's my fault for dragging it till this point. Having to drag till this point, it bothers me too, but I have no intention of settling it is not because I am a coward (must clarify) but because expected it all to be emotional.

And thankful that I managed to clear that mess before I made this last step to depature.

It's a tough decision, definitely, but I wun change my mind...

2008-06-27T23:43:00.004+08:00

Not long ago, I have finally decided on something which I believe have really troubled me for a very long tym. And I know that this decision has affect the people around me somehow too, I have done my best but all these, I know that I am right because I have no reason to submit myself to please people but to please God.

I have decided to leave the current circle which I am serving in, reason being, I realized I am not moving anywhere. I believe sum will think that I make this decision because of certain people,but I can truly clarify something, though Li Ping is my spiritual buddy, but when it comes to my spiritual life, I treat it more seriously than compared to anything else.

I will never make any decision to do with my spiritual life because of anyone. I believe alot would like to know what causes me to make such decision, it's very simple. I have seriously reflected on my growth, I am not moving anywhere but stumbling from Christ. I have really tried to bring myself into the circle, but I failed very badly. Perhaps moving to another new environment will bring myself better and closer to Christ.

Leaving the circle, I dun bear to leave too but I dun wish to continue to be in a group which I am not growing but falling...

As for personal life, at least till this moment, I feel blessed and loved. Leaving very soon on 14th and yet, I still have so much stuff not settled yet. School, having attachments, family, having lots of stupid matters to handle. And will need to monitor my Mum's mental health too, quite worrying but I believe everything will still in place.

Decisions, made a few major ones recently but I believe, I will not regret any of each.

I know my stand very clearly, other than God, no one else would I follow for the rest of my life. Relationship, I believe quite a few had been quite concernedwith it, but I have my own stand. What I can't deny, I am in love and I know what I am doing. I have a clear mind of what is going on, maybe it seems too early for me to enter relationship, but I won't let this relationship to affect my life, my academic or my spiritual life.

In fact, though it's hard on this person to accept my extreme active social life and tight schedule, this person has been supporting, encouraging and helping me in alot of areas. Even when I dun feel like moving on with my stuff, this person has been one pushing me through. Though we quarrel here and there, we know each other for 12 years and I believe the bonding will not be affected by such.

It

2008-06-27T23:43:00.001+08:00

Life is about making right decisions...

2008-06-03T18:31:00.002+08:00

Making the right decisions, perhaps is really a hard move of life. All these while, I thought I am capable of taking charge of my life, without seeking advice, but God has faithfully showed me that I have been too arrogant.

I spoke to an sister recently and realize, hey, leading the right kind of life in God's eye. Am now facing an ultimate decision which is going to affect perhaps my life after 3 months. Will be flying off to Seoul after 3 months, I have never been afraid to travel but this is the very first time and I believe God will overcome this fear for me.

This race with Christ has been full of ups and downs. Am really glad that my Mum is slowly opening up to Christ and am even asking me questions about Jesus. And my twins sister is finally agreeing to come to visit and attend service, but still need to arrange up an time with her. I really hope to witness salvation within my family upon my lifetime, this has been a very silly yet possible dream.

As for my mistakes all along, perhaps it's hard to admit but I believe it's time to make an end. As for my relationship with Peok Wan Ting, please stop asking me, because seriously, there's nothing more to say. It was a mistake, because there wasn't love at all, all it was within the relationship was just simply desires and insecurity.

Nevertheless, without her presence in my life, I would not be where I am, therefore, I am really very thankful for her but please, it's over. I have found my happiness and strength,and the courage to move on with life. I won't allow anything or anyone to stumble me, and all I ever want right now is just to focus on my life peacefully.

Linfred, an name which I hold in Union Band, means gentle peace. Gentleness, something which I am trying to cultivate but so far, suppose is still quite far from achievement. Peace, something which I realize is the most important factor lacking in my life right now.

It's really tym for me to move on... Time is running out for me...

2008-05-30T20:08:00.003+08:00

Perhaps one must really realize the importance of life when they are near to experiencing or near to the risk of losing it...

After the recent trip to Myanmar, I got so close to the difference between life & death, the kind of pain of witnessing lives departing from your sight is really a very heartening feeling. Though the trip was short, it was long enough for me to truly experience the importance of life.

I saw children crying over the loss of their parents, and adults shedding tears over the separation from their loved ones. This definitely makes me wanna treasure all opportunities to spend time with my family and loved ones too.

Recently, had alot of thoughts going through my mind. However, can say that I have seen through alot. Life is definitely not just about Romance but about Dreams and the kind of life God has want us to lead. Just went to my friendster, and happen to see a very harsh comment left behind by Jing Er. This shows me the ruthless that mankind can get upon not getting the one that they, she is a girl whom I have recently rejected. Perhaps it was my stupid acts and speech that has given her hopes to get together with me, but definitely I have never wanted to fool her.

Never mind, I won't let that comments to stumble me. I dun wanna care so much about how others think about me anymore, because life is definitely not just about living my life for others, to pleased them but to glorify God. All along, I have been really being damm concerned about how others look at me, think of me and even to depend on me. It's time to stop and end everything here once and for all, to truly put God as the centre of my life instead of depending on myself alone.

WIth my strength alone, I really can't take control of matters which are going out of hand. But with God,nothing is impossible,and I believe God put all these matters into my life with a purpose. I will breakthrough of all my weaknesses and truly, all the stupid things that I have done, will have to end now.

Loved ones, I must treasure, but those lost ones, if possible, I will get them into my life but if not, I will not force things but just let things goes as according to God's plans. I believe no one else can destroy me and I shall not let anyone to destroy me. God, I shall surrender fully to you and let you take charge of my life.

It's long and I am flying...

2008-05-18T22:36:00.002+08:00

So much have happened recently... But I am glad that I have my loved ones by my side, especially after reading the recent news on all the natural disasters etc, it really triggers me to treasure all the chances to be with my loved ones... No one know what will happen next in future, but I believe God allow all these to happen for a reason...

Yesterday, received the most painful present in my entire life, a love dairy by Cassie. Really didn't expected it, a diary full of pictures of places we went together, foods/drinks we consumed, pictures of us, details of the relationship and even some little love confessions which she wanted to tell me by those times but was shy to do so.... There was a letter by the end, and she wants me to forget her and move on with my life with a smile...

After so much, she proved to me that I am not a good lover, but yet she affirm me that I am one. If I am one, she wouldn't have depart from this world. Of course, lyk what is being mentioned, God allow it to happen for a purpose. Though I dun know what's the purpose, but I believe God will show me the purpose and guide me through.

Of course, I have found the precious loved ones in my life, and I am really thankful for all the precious loved ones in my life. Each of them are dearest to me, I am not going to mention names to prevent outbreak of jealousy, but I believe they know it in their heart that they mean something to me.

Last night had a long night of waiting but it was worth it, because I had a great talk with them (A&L&L) and also Hui Ling when we shared Cab. God really shows Himself to me through these people to inspire me, to encourage me to rise up. I won't just say it verbally or make any affirmation that I will rise up, I will show it through my actions.

I believe most wanna know the reason why I wanna go Myanmar and Sichuan, despite knowing the dangers that I may face over there. It's because I have cost a life to be gone from this world because of my selfishness and cruelty, I wanna use my life to save lifes. I may not be able to do stuff which professionals are capable of doing but definitely, I wanna do a part too. This pair of hands of mine, being given to me by God, I will save lives and help people with it.

I dun know what I will see over there, but definitely I will face all of it with a heart of God. Of course, I really dun bear to leave my loved ones for long, I dun bear, and that's why I instructed, no one is to send me off... I dun wish to leave with a heart not bearing to leave, my decisions are final and I will definitely leave for Myanmar.

Miracles, am expecting to witness and experience them, with faith, I believe God will saves the people... As for my life, alot of ups and downs, but am really glad to have companion of someone dearly to me, (sorry, can't mention name) "you are always there for me, always the first one to worry for me, always the one to wipe my tears away, always the one to cheer me up and always the one to melt my heart."

It's a big tragedy...

2008-05-07T08:02:00.003+08:00

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/ap/20080507/tap-as-gen-myanmar-cyclone-20th-ld-write-d3b07b8.html

read the news...

An ruthless storms cruelly swept across the country and destroyed more than thousands of lives and the death rates, believed to be still rising up. Seriously, God is really real and His words stand still and firm despite all these storms, natural disasters sweeping across the Nations. This is a great time for sowing, but yet, this is a really painful incident because alot of people are sufferrings out there and they really need our help.

Compared to them, people living locally are really much more fortunate. Surrounded by neighbouring countries islands, Singapore will not be swept across by Tsunami or any major storms. But seriously, this doesn't means that we should not take precaution, anything can happen and nobody knows when is the end of the world. It could be the next moment, it could be next day, next week, next month or next year.

Perhaps, this incident will be another opportunity for businessman to earn money, but what we are suppose to do to lessen these people sufferrings? I believe there's definitely something every one of us can do a part for them, whether it's through prayers or financially. And personally for me, I might be going over with my school volunteer's group to do a part. It's all under discussion. Because we have been facing alot of bad feedbacks like, the situations over there are dangerous and the circumstances there are not stable yet...

Hmmm, but I shall see...

I am rather tired about clarifying myself.

2008-05-06T07:25:00.002+08:00

I am not sure if I should be rejoicing or feel honorable for the recent un-expectedly bloody attention given to me recently. It wasn't really something which is really pleasing but I suppose I have no alternatives but to face all these stuff bravely and strongly...

Misunderstanding, have being involved in one which rather put me at a extreme awkward position. Hmmm, didn't expected it to involve quite a handful of people in unit also, though nobody told me who are the ones and the names but I suppose, I can guess and expect... Though I have made things clear to one of the messenger (sorry, to have caused such trouble), I hope this is going to be the last time I have to made such clarifications... Because seriously, each time I clarify, the awkwardness is really burning me...

Seriously, didn't expect such misunderstanding too. I suppose I have to really watch my behavior and what I do le. I have told myself to keep a watch of what I do or say le, even if it has to do with others or regards to any matter. Of course, to be honest, I do have the urge to just call off the event which I was initially planning for Christmas, though it has not being finalized or etc, but I do feel like calling off everything...

Dun ask me why do I feel like doing so, but I am just afraid that the un-expected misunderstanding will keep on going if it's going to involve me and the party involved. I am glad that I have even clarify the matter with the party involved, and of course, I really hope this whole misunderstanding won't affect the friendship with the party involved or even with anyone else within the unit. And of course, to save that person from un-necessary awkwardness and pondering of questions, I dun tink it's appropriate of me revealing names here.

Another matter, with regards to the very basic trust which I think I ought to have. Somehow, I dun think I am having the very basic trust which I deserve... I know that this trust will have to be earned, but somehow, I suppose the crack in the relationship is stil there. I can't deny but the crack in the wound that has being caused by the past incidents is still there. We may have reconciled but none of us can deny that we have yet get over those incidents.

In many people's eyes, we seems to have got back to how we used to be, but I know very well that, we didn't. We appear to be very loving and caring to each other, but deep inside, I know that those are not true. Can say that those are just a mask to cover up all the cracks in the relationship. I have no idea what I am suppose to do to heal up this relationship, but seriously, it takes 2 hands to clap. I know that in certain areas, I am still not as accountability as supposing to be, but one thing I can be honest with people reading this blog entry.

There's no way I can be open up to accountability to people whom have hurt me deeply inside and though I appears to be okay with all these, I am seriously not okay with any of it inside. I am still searching for the root problem of this cracked relationship but I believe, all I can do now is to surrendering all to God... God is the healer, and I know that He will heal the pain inside my heart and caused by this relationship...

Of course, seriously I really didn't expect this person to be spreading salt on my wounds when I am already very badly hurt and I thought she would know... Yet, she choose to give me another blow through sms when she know that I have no wish to receive another blow from anyone else...

Am glad that still, Li Ping and someone else is with me when I am seriously dealing with these blows within that night... There's no way, I can give another 2nd chance, because I have really been forgiving for enough chances... Giving 2nd chances has always been something which I find it hard to do, ever since, I have to accept a repeated betrayals, since then, I told myself that I will not allow myself to be hurt again by a lies or betrayals.

Since then, thus, I find it hard to forgive people who will in turn hurt me or betray my trust... I know that for alot of areas, I have done wrong but I am really protecting myself and separating myself from the past mistakes. I dun wish to return to my past, thus, please dun force me to that extend whereby I can do anything which is against my own wishes and intention.

Right now, I am at an major life cross-road which I have to make a few of the major decisions which will in turn affect my career, future and even the rest of my life. Whatever that I decide right now, will determine how my future will be like and what my career will be and even my dreams... Business, Music, Fashion, these 3 major areas have been what I wanna excel in, and of course, I am not intending to give up any of the areas.

And of course, coming up, I will be studying up on Business after I have settled myself down or perhaps gain abilities to be handling Business and Music at the same time. Perhaps this would means I will have lesser time for myself, but I believe my loved ones will support me and most importantly, the person who have been with me all along... I know that staying by my side, enduring everything silently has been quite hard for this person, I know all that this person have done for me and I really appreciate all...

Maturity, something which "you" have been telling me and we have been discussing about this, after I showed "you" the SMS from my students... I believe we should really handle this whole matter in a mature manner, for the past few years, we have not really been mature in handling matters even for this relationship.

19 years old, both of us have turned 19 years old le, I believe it's time whereby we should really be mature in handling this matter. Trust, I know this is one of the problems between us, perhaps I am really been too senstive but I hope as time goes by, this trust will ultimately be there between us... As time goes by, we will definitely build up this trust...

New Responsibilties V.S New Identity =)?

2008-05-03T02:04:00.002+08:00

Recently started a new chapter of my life, with a brand new identity and new responsibilites. Changes are really painful like what Ace told me, but changes are brought into our lives to enable us to breakthrough and to grow... Though it seriously wasn't easy for me to handle these changes, but am thankful that God has been faithful enough to pull me through and strengthen me when I am shivering with fear.

I used to think that death isn't somthing which is fearful, but after the recent experiences of near escape from death, I realized it's really scary. Just at that moment, if I didn't persisted, maybe I will be happier right now because I will be free, I will be with Jesus but that would means I will be separated from my loved ones which I still dun bear to leave yet. Through this escape from death, I will treasure the people around me even more preciously because they are God's greatest gifts to me.

Heart of problem is the problem with heart, I love this sentence because it shows me what exactly goes wrong when things are done wrongly in my life. I used to be very persistent in pursuing my own rights and of course, my freedom. I dun like to be tied down and maybe this is one bad reason why I was never faithful in any of my past relationships until I was badly and deeply hurt by someone.

Someone asked me a great question recently, "Did Wan Ting give you birthday wishes? Did she celebrate with you?" What should I answer this question with? She celebrated with me with her ruthless and ignorance. I am sure she remember my birthday, because it was written in her personal planner and calendar but of course, expected the ignorance. Yes, I am quite upset bcux I didn't receive her birthday wishes but what the Love which I have received that day has far exceeded the pain I have got from her.

Esplanade Rooftop, my favorite hideouts, a place which I will go when I am upset, angry, tired of life, fed up or happy. Have never expected to have a great night with my loved ones there on my birthday. Previous night, spent it with someone precious to me. It was a very memorable night and though it was short but it was long enough to make me remember forever. And of course, Leanne's birthday song to me, surprised me too. That kind of smile, is the kind of smile which I didn't see for a long tym... That night is definitely a great night for most of us,though Wan Ting wasn't with me.

Right now, am facing choices of life. 2 years later, there is going to be a major decision which I have to make. How the rest of my life is going to be will depends on that very day when I have to make that decision. At the same time, am going to inherite my Dad's inheritance which I am not excited about. Not excited because I dun want to be controlled or make any decisions from there with Money. Maybe some of those which are near me would be excited about this inheritance but how I am going to use this inheritance, I am in fact halfway planning it.

Part of it will goes into my Mum, I know she is not having a easy time to bring us up. She told me alot of stuff which seriously shows me that all these money which I am going to inherite, each cent of it are earned by my Dad's sacrifices and sweat and blood. She dun want me to repeat her mistake and thus wants me to start planning it early. Business, I have being informed recently that my uncle wants me to help out in his company when I am old enough to handle major stuff. Which means, I will have to get myself involved in Business industry when I am 21.

I am only 19 but the stuff which I am handling and planning is already till 21 years old. I know all these plannings and decisions is not going to be fixed but I dun want to start planning when it's too late. I have experienced the last minute preparations and planning for some major stuff in my life, I dun want to repeat my mistake. It's time for me to really have some serious thoughts about my life and future. In fact, I am even thinking about my career prospect le, which seems to ridiculous.

I know that reality and dreams, there's always a difference but "Dream Big" and I believe God will help me through. I have been called, I heard His calling and I will definitely respond to the Call... I am very excited about the future, to re-discover God's will and Plan for me. Just had a short chat with Leanne and got inspired by her spirit. Despite the fact that she have to juggle with alot of stuff, regardless is her students' academic, the packed tuition schedule, church ministry and etc, she is excited about how God has called her to serve and I do believe that she will really have a great time with God moulding her yet using her to serve others.

Right now is the Mid Year Examinations for Students and Freshman Harvest Period, though I am not being kept as busy as her, but I do understand the kind of busy schedule and feeling. I believe she can pull through because God is with her. Life can be really demanding at times, but all these are never impossible with God. He won't put us through trials which we can't handle and pass through...

Therefore, though this period may be tiring for me, I believe God will mould me into someone useful of His Call. And I shall make use of my life to glorify God and to love all those around me.

Long tym no see...

2008-05-03T01:28:00.002+08:00

It has been sum tym since my birthday has passed... Had a really great and memorable birthday with my CG & Unit Gals over at Esplanade Rooftop... Didn't expected it of cux bt was really touched...

Life has been going through alot of changes and adaptions... New identity,new roles & duties, new decisions to make and new responsibilities, not forgetting new challenges. It seriously wasn't easy for me to handle this new role and responsibilities, but I believe God has His reasons.

I did my best in loving the people around me, but somehow, I will always end up hurting sum without realizing... Perhaps, earlier bcux of my stubborness and perfectionist tantrum, I brought sum sort of unhappiness into the people's lives around me. Love isn't a simple task to accomplish. Alot of people think that I am not loving enough or I dun love enough, but what does it means for me to show that I love someone? To die for that person? That's the only thing which I have yet done for anyone.

Love is what God all about, out of Love, He sent His one and only Son, Jesus to die for us on the Cross. What does this Cross means to me? It means more than a symbol, but it resembles the forgiveness, love and grace from God and it means more than anything to me. If anyone were to ask me, if I would give up my life for Christ, my answer will be "Yes" without hesitations. Maybe I have promised someone that I won't die or leave without her consent but for such, I believe she will understand too...

Though she didn't say, I know that actually she minds it when I spend time on those sermon notes, reading God's words and etc, but because she dun wish to force or stop me, thus, she choose to be silent about it. Instead of nagging and persecuting me like what my Mum is doing. Persecutions is part and partial of Christianity Life, God didn't promise a smooth-sailing life but He promise to carry us through with His loving Hands and Heart for us.

Life is short and brittle, no one knows what will happen to us the very next moment. Recently, I just had an close shave escape from death, and through this incident, I saw and realized who are the ones who care for me. And most importantly, I will treasure my life even more now. Thus, no worries that I will do silly stuff to hurt myself again because I will live a life to glorify and honor Him. My body is God's temple, I won't damage it because I love myself for whom God has created me to be.

Ace & Alvin, it's their birthday... =)

2008-04-19T01:02:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday, Ace & Alvin!

Dun know what to say, but really want to affirm both of you is that, both of your has really play a great role in my life. Ace, you lead me into a higher level of discipline, from you, I found the meaning of "Joy" and the right attitude of leadership. Alvin, though in between of our secondary school life, alot of misunderstanding happen between us, but you showed me the true colors of Mankinds and most of all, we went to experience Clubbing for the very first time in our life together with the rest.

It's going to be a great day. I know it, because I have quite a beautifully tight schedule. 1pm, to be meeting the Chalet Committee at ISLE Cafe and 4.30pm, will be meeting the cute birthday girl, Ace for discussion. 5.30pm, to meet CG for service. =)

The day before which is yesterday, alot of things happened to me. Somehow I dun know whether M did it on purpose, she is with her stead and yet she dragged me along, using C.Y as an excuse. And end up, she even try to match make me and C.Y which is so ridiculous. I can't reject it face-to-face because it would embarrass C.Y. But still, I hate it, because I hate it when people match make me without my consent because I simply do not need to match made with anyone. Love can't be forced... And I am sorry to say that I have only realized it at this point.

A girl, by the name, Wan Ting, who have a name called "Leeanne" and seriously, I dun noe why she spelled it in such manner. She taught me that Love can't be forced. Thanks, but I dun appreciate it. I dun hate her, I am not angry with her, I am not bearing grudges from her, but I can't forget what she have done to me. I believe if she is reading this, she will be scolding me for publishing her name in my blog, I will be responsible for what I said here. And of course, if it's not true, I wouldn't publish it here.

Everyone make mistakes isn't i? But will them realize it? And that's why, honesty is very important. I made alot of stupid mistakes, I dun deny that even till now, I am still doing mistakes. But simply, all the past mistakes shouldn't be determining my future, isn't it?

Birthday, a day to celebrate of our birth and now, I dun know who will I be celebrating with? Of course, I really hope to celebrate with my loved ones and the special ones...

MVP - Most Valuable Player

2008-04-17T15:07:00.002+08:00

It has always being an honorable achievements to be awarded as MVP of the Match. Personally for me, I have only got this honorable title for only once and it was when I was 18 years old and it happens last year. It was an crazy week for me because I led an team of great members through different matches of Floorball, Soccer and Basketball. Something which that little girl expected, I hurt myself in the floorball match, when my feet got swollen like an trotter. When I got awarded the MVP, I asked myself, have I done my best in this match? And of course, I presented the MVP trophy to someone whom I respected most, my coach who have left Singapore and is now settling down at Perth with his family.

Since then, I stop touching Sports even till now, I believe I have lost touch of the Basketball and even the basic skills and tactic for Basketball. Floorball has always being something I excel in, same thing, I have lost touch of it too ever since I last played in the Match. To me, to defeat someone whom I detest, the easiest and best way is to defeat that person through Basketball Match. But I realized now my passion is not Basketball anymore, but Dance. I challenge people and settle all misunderstandings through Dance. Like what is being showed in "Step Up 2", they compete with each other with their dance skills to decide who is stronger and to defeat people they detest.

Similarly, I am using such tactic instead of the initial Basketball Match because my passion is in Dance now. I can sacrifice my time and sleep to practice Dance, but I can't do so for Basketball. Alot of times, I really ask myself where is my passion exactly, Fashion, Photography, Foods & Beverage, Business or Music? One cannot be too greedy, and I know I can only concentrate on one area. Like what I told my shepherd, I will focus entirely on Music for now, after I achieve what I aim to, I will move on to Fashion. China is a great place for me to establish my Fashion Kingdom because honestly speaking, the people there has really poor fashion sense.

For my future, I have no idea but at least for now, I am dead sure that Music is all I ever want to focus on now. As for whether my passion is on Dance or Basketball, I will still be setting up the Music Workshop and the Basketball Team.

My day today is rather amazing. I hurt someone without realizing and only realize it after reflecting on what I have done today. Knowing that it will hurt her when I mention another girl (further more is someone who is interested in me), I was on the phone with this specific girl, M when I meet her up. To worsen the situation, the girl called me here and there, when I was with her, though she didn't say anything much but from the way she spoke to me and her behavior, I know she is hurt inside, just that she dun want to tell me.

I know her for 6 years, she have being stubborn for 6 years too, stubborn in the area whereby she will not want to tell me that she is hurt and would always use a smile to hide everything to herself. And of course, this will only shows me how selfish I am for not being sensitive enough to realize what have I done. As for why I am with her in the first place, not much specific reason.

Something worsen my day was my shepherd. Somehow, she like to play a game with us and which is MIA. Of course, I dun blame her because I understand how she feels but I believe there is better ways of resolving everything than being out of contact. Alot of times, we often step on each other's toes, is either she do something that upset me or I do something that upset her. Seriously, to be honest, I dun understand what on Earth is she thinking and feeling too. Maybe we really have alot in difference but one thing for sure that I dun understand is that, (forget it, I shall not mention here).

I gave her chance of course, because I know that no one is perfect and that everyone will make mistakes and we grow from our mistakes. No one is to condemn one another because we are all sinners but why still is she escaping? It's not the one who failed her's fault, nor the shepherd's fault for not comforting her but the greatest enemy in her world is herself. She is condemning herself and she is moving on with her mistakes. I forgave her and I can of course forgive her this time round again, but so what if I forgive her? Would she be able to move on and know where she should work on?

It's true that she is my shepherd and I should be encouraging and supporting her along, but what makes sum people to think that I am not doing so? Whatever that I can help her in, I have done them all even assisting her to look out for Hui Yin and for myself, I make sure I dun misbehave. I understand that there are people who sow discord between me and my shepherd, told her stuff that I dun respect her thus, I dun account to her but is that the truth? The reason why I dun bother to clear this misunderstanding because I believe God know what I am doing and He know who is right and wrong. At His timing, He will punish the evil ones and these people are those who go around to spread rumors, gossips, sow discord and to slander and reward those who do things of His Will...

Whatever I am doing, I believe I will live my life of His will and I will glorify Him and bring people around me to His righteous Court. And last but not least, my shepherd.

Jasmine, if you are reading this entry, I really hope you will pull yourself up soon. You are my shepherd, I know it isn't easy for you to handle the kind of pain that you are enduring now. But I believe you are able to pass through this trial that God has given you. Like what Hong Koon, Yoke Ling and Li Ping like to tell me, God will not gives us trial which we can't passed through. Alot of times, people will fail us, but it's okay because we know that God will never fail us, isn't it? God gives us sheeps, for us to learn from their mistakes, to correct them, to love them, to guide them and to lead them.

It is definitely expected that sheeps will misbehave, do something wrong or fail us, but are we going to fall and stumble when they do so? If it is suppose to be this way, then why did God bother to give us Sheeps? To see His leaders fall and stumble? No, God is a loving Father of ours, He gives us trials to strengthen us, He gives us Sheeps to encourage us and to learn and to guide people. I used to be a shepherd before I transfer over, in fact, I used to be a CL. I know how it fails when your people fail you. The CG I used to be leading is around 12 girls, and they are all studying in Schools like Victoria JC, Anderson JC, Raffles Girls School, all "branded" schools while I was just studying in NAFA.

I am only a 3 months Christian when I took over the CG as CL, I was very frightened initially when I took over because I doubt my ability to lead. But later on, Pastor Joyce spoke to me, she told me, why should I doubt myself? Since God called me and entrust the CG to me, it proves that He have His plans for me and I should have faith in Him and His plans. Since then, I did my best in leading them. Alot of times, is either this or that girl will give me problems like, BGR, there was once when half of my girls turned away from God and I was very depressed. But I didn't fall because I know that I can't fall, if I fall, what is going to happen to the other half?

I am not trying to say that you can't fall because you still have to lead me. It is normal for even leaders to stumble and fall but you should learn something from the fall. Do you want to know how I eventually brought the other half back? It's through Love. I didn't force them, or to keep pestering them. I will always leave a note at their blog, MSN or even to the extend of their doorstep even when they stay in different areas like, Bedok, Tampinese, Hougang, Chua Chu Kang and Pasir Ris. I wil always encourage them, and I told them, that I believe one day, they will eventually come back to God.

Love is a very powerful thing, it can build up a person and it can destroy a person too. You witness how Wan Ting nearly destroy me completely but thanks to you, Leanne and Li Ping, I am still intact and still standing strong and firm in God's court. It was a struggle for me to give up my title in LYnC (ex-church youth ministry) to come over to Hope and start all over again, but I still came because of Love. Over here, through this CG, I felt loved and I saw what Love is all about. Maybe alot of people wonder if I come over for the sake of Wan Ting or not, I dun deny, she is part of the reason but she is not the main reason. It's the people whom made me know what God's grace and Love is about and it's here where I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with God.

In case you wanna know what happen when I told my CG and my Pastor that I wanna come over to Hope Church, I shall tell you here. Of course, they were sad about my departure but they know that I am leaving for God's sake. I leave to grow up stronger in Christ, I leave to foster my bonds with God and I leave for God's purpose. The last time when I went for the Service, everyone cried and prayed for me. I was very touched when my ex-shepherd told me this, "LYnC will always be opening a door for you, it will always be a refuge which you can turn to and we will always be here for you." And just previously, a few days ago, I chat with my ex-shepherd and she told me that she have left the ministry and is serving in Adults le. After chatting with a few of my girls, then I know that there has been alot of restructuring. Pastor Joyce is no longer leading the Youth Ministry but a new Pastor whom I forgotten the name. And most of the members are rather unstable due to sudden restructuring.

To be honest, even after I left the Church, I was still in contact with them. I would meet the girls up and I would even teach them the teachings that I learnt here and they will share their day with me. It's just like another form of "shepherding," at first, I was really afraid that it may be wrong. But later, when I see their growth and changes in their life, I know that it may be wrong in some sense but it's a good thing that I have change people's lives with God's will and with the stuff that I have learnt.

Therefore, Jasmine, be strong and remember, you have contributed to the changes in my life, though alot of times, our decisions dun meet but still, one thing will never change, you are my shepherd and you did teach me alot. I dun and wun force you. When you are ready to open up yourself, tell me, I will help you. Dun be afraid to tell me your emotions and problems, I have experienced something worst le...

Remember, no matter what happen, grow from your mistakes and move on. I will always be there to support and help you. Be strong.

Mattew 18: 10-14

Birthday Programs (Updated) + Announcements

2008-04-17T01:09:00.004+08:00

26th of April,

1.30pm - Meet at Somerset Station
1.45pm - Will make our way to Cineleisure KBOX
2pm-5.15pm - Singing & Fellowship (Each person to prepare at least $30)
5.15pm- Make our way to Cuppage Plaza
5.30pm - Should Reach Nexus
8pm - Dinner + Celebrations
9+pm - Night Walk + Fellowship
11.40pm/12am - Movie (Superhero or smth else?)
2am - Dismissal, for those who wants to stay on, will have programs (Clubbing [Maybe]) and for those who wants to go home, please kindly settle own transportations. (*Not responsible for anyone who is not able to go home with transportation)

A few things to take note:

Sabotage is welcome but please do not involved Durians or Prawns because I seriously dun eat these. And please do not touch my hair, face is okay, if you want to draw something but not applying cosmetics. Flour is okay, but not with eggs. Water is welcome but not warm water. Please do not expect me to wear skirts or etc because I will not. Fear Factor, though I initiate this game during the Chalet and I am okay to play this game but with the full participation of the rest plus excluding Durians and Prawns.

Kisses & Hugs are welcome but not to my lips (Hong Koon, please take note).

Announcement to those who are interested in the Music Worshop.

For those who have seen the bulletine in Friendster, yes, I included Basketball but I have decided to focus on Music Workshop first. Basically, this Music Workshop, will be based on Music Theory, Skills - Dance & Singing. There will definitely be fun and joy. Registerations will start on my birthday. If you are interested, please kindly prepare a copy of your monthly schedule + days and time you are able to commit. Venue so far is being fixed at Istana Park. Changes will be updated. Kindly register with me personally or through your leaders. This is only open up to Sisters only, due to the consideration that they may be shy to dance or sing with brothers around.

Regardless you have any Music background or not, as long as you love Music, wanna pick up some skills on Music, and wanna strengthen your body, please do join us. No one is going to judge your singing/dance because no one is perfect.

For basketball wise, I am still under constructions for this but I promise to update on this area ASAP. Would like to focus on the Music Workshop first. Thanks. Any enquires, please do e-mail, MSN msg, SMS/Call (Late Reply will be due to Class Commitments) or speak to me personally before or after service.

What am I suppose to do?

2008-04-16T23:48:00.002+08:00

Alot of stuff have been happening to me or in my world since the day I came back from the recent chalet... Let's talk about some stuff that happen today.

Amazingly, a guy by the name of Mr. Ooi, made the later day of mine lyk hell. He totally destruct my day when I was just trying to bring myself to peace. No need to wonder, this person is my stepfather. I have never seen anyone who is so unreasonable and petty. Just because my mum came home late as she was helping my Sis to take care of my nephew, he threw temper like as though my Mum did something gravely wrong... Which I think is really dumb...

We had some sort of have some arguments and verbal harsh exchange, I can't stand anyone who insult my Mum or say anything bad/harsh about her. We quarreled and I suppose he lost the argument and that's why he then left and wen to my step-grandmother's house. Seriously, I really wonder why such a guy exists in this world... True enough, a hungry man is a angry man, but never did I expect such petty and unreasonable guy exists and have to be my stepfather...

Of course, this seriously reflects a question to me. What kind of family I hope to build up and start in future? Would I want to have a family of friends staying together and living together, growing old together and walking this life journey and spiritual race together? Or would I be adpoting a child and bringing the child up, cultivating a good descendant of this world? Or both? I have my own dreams and as Leanne encourage us, dream big and keep dreaming...

My dreams is to have a house in Vienna, to be surrounded by Musicians, and the beautiful and mystery Music History and Arts Culture. It do not need to be a grand mansion but just a house enough for me to live. And to spend my days, composing Music, designing Bags, Shoes, Dresses and all types of Clothings and even to establishing my own Fashion Label. Regardless how heavy the price it is, this is my dream of life and I really hope to fulfill this dream before I leave this world to meet God...

Music has always being a necessities in my life, and never did I expected myself to develop a interest for Fashion too. Especially knowing the fact that I s**ks in Drawing, thus, the more, I can't accept the fact that I am interested in Fashion. And yes, I suppose after I pursue my interest in Music, I will pursue Fashion. I believe it's going to be tough because I can't draw well but I will definitely do my very best and leave myself not even a corner for regrets.

However, one of my concerns now is my family. Would I be able to go all out to pursue my dreams and not committing as much as I am now to the Family? It all started with a word, "Promise," I promise my late Dad that I will guard, protect, take care of this family well. This family is the reason why I have to be strong and no matter what, I have to guarding everyone of this family from Mr. Ooi. I dun care whatever bullshit business he do outside the family, but it definitely is my concern if he try to play a joke on my family and especially with their safety.

Not forgetting about my commitments in Church, I made a promise to myself and my leaders that I will rise up and not just for the sake of my leaders, I want to shine among everyone. Maybe in alot of people's eyes, I am still young and ignorant in Christ but, all I want to say is, maybe I didn't join Hope Church longer than anyone whom I know so far in Church, but like what that has being taught. Spiritual maturity do not relies on Spiritual Age, one can be 10 years Christian but still the level of Maturity is still at the day of Conversion.

I believe that I am able to do so, because I have being called and most importantly, God has called me to be. I can see myself leading and I believe that God has called me to be a leader. Maybe right now, I have alot of areas which I need to improve on, espcially my patience. ALot of times, I realized I will be very worried that things may not goes as according to what I plan and want, but till now then I realize, these worries are just extra burdens that I have for myself. I suppose I was badly influence by that little girl, perfectionist - someone who expect everything to be perfect, regardless is studies, or any sort of stuff in my life.

And that's why I will tend to get impatient when things are nt going according to my plans, e.g. during the recent Chalet. Alot of things didn't goes according to what I wanted too, but I didn't give up because I believe this is just part of God's trial for me. I believe I need to change in this area, it's good to seek perfection standard in everything I do, but too cautious in such areas, do tire people whom I work with too, and may also cause stress in a few areas too. I believe by God's grace, He will strengthen me through the people around me, and through the different trials and opportunities that He is going to expose to me.

Soon or later, I believe I will be able to be a leader who is shining among the crowd, I will be the one leading instead of the one following, I will be the one guiding instead of following blindly. To be a Leader who love the people, who guide the people, to help the people, to take care of the people and to lead them well is what I want.

My birthday wish, is a foolish one but I know it's very tough for me to fulfill it. I want to just be at the Singapore Flyer with the person whom I want to... And of course, I have alot of birthday wish.

1st, my Sis and her family to be happy, safe and healthy.
2nd, my nephew to grow up strongly, healthy and happy
3rd, my closed and loved ones to be happy and healthy
4th, to move on to a higher level of standards in my leadership, music and arts skills
5th, to fulfill the people whom I care 's dreams and to be by their side always, regardless day or night, rain or shine.

Savior, My God is Mighty to Save...

2008-04-16T11:26:00.002+08:00

Everyone needs compassion

A love that's never failing

Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness

A kindness of a Savior

The hope of nationsSavior

He can move the mountains

My God is Mighty to

is Mighty to save

ForeverAuthor of

rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me

All my fears and failures

Fill my life

give my life to follow

Everything I believe in

Now I surrender

Shine your light and let the whole world see

We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus

It took me so long to realize that I do love the Lord Savior of my life. Each time when I fall, He is always there to catch me, to pick me up and to walk that painful and torturous path with me... I will live to bring you praise... I will live my life of a Child of yours, to honor you and to love you...

All these while, through all the trials that I have faced so far, God has simply proved and shown me that people do fail us but He will never fail us. His promise is forever so faithful and He will never forsake us, no matter what happen and what have we done wrong, He is forever so loving to forgive us.

Recently, I must really admit that I have done alot of wrong things and even when I have done them, I didn't confess and repent... It was till I went to Nexus, standing there, singing Praise & Worship, listening to the prayers and sermon, then I realized that God is calling me, He is knocking on the door of my heart... He is seeking me, and feeling damm guilty and upset about what I have done wrong, I confess everything and repented from them...

Life is like a Merry-Go-Round

2008-04-15T16:53:00.002+08:00

I am turning 19 in a few more weeks, I can't help but really ask myself so far, for my past 19 years of life, what have I been doing? I am spiritually 1 year old, and of course, I really wonder have I been growing for this one year or have I just being spending my life with my own vision, pretending to be a Christian and not living my life as a Christian.

I have seen numerous people who attend Church service, and of course, these people claim and declare to be Christian but actually deep inside, they are just hypocrites who put up a fake mask. And these people, always like to hide among the crowds, and even Church. Such people have their own greed and sinful desires. Yet in front of others, they hide themselves and will always deny their sinful thoughts and behavior.

Alot of times, I ask myself who am I and who God is to me. I am a sinner, a child who have fallen short of God's standard. In the past, before I come to know Christ, I have done many numerous and endless mistakes, but knowing that God's grace is forever enough for me, enough for me to start my life anew and enough for me get over the past. Starting my life anew in Christ, is the greatest Love I have ever received.

All these while, I met alot of new people in my life, some of them condemn me with my past mistakes and some accepted my past and help me to move on, starting everything anew. So what is a true friend? A true friend is someone who accept your past and background, yet dun condemn you wth them but help you to get over them and start everything anew to move on. I have met all types of people, some put up a fake mask in front of me and pretend to be kind and loving but behind my back, slander me, gossip about me and scold me...

And these people include even someone whom I have know for 4 years, seriously, I know alot of people wonder why I will make sure myself stop trusting that person if that person betray my trust for 3 times. 3 chances is all I ever give, the reason is very simple, even a friend who claim to be a great buddy of you, always like to say those mushy stuff to you and tell you how much that person treasure you as a buddy, similarly, how mushy those words she said in front of you, can be how sour, how ridiculous and how crappy behind you.

For my past 18 years before coming to faith of life, I felt that I have wasted my life away... Never did I realize, the greatest mistakes I have made is entrusting myself to the wrong type of people. I followed the wrong the group and eventually lead myself into destructions lifestyle. But thank God for a little girl, she brought me to Christ and thus, here I am, serving in Hope Church.

Alot of times, I do have struggles, on whether my love for someone or even my Love and Faithfulness for God. I am curious to find out how much I am willing to do and give for the sake of my Love. And most of all, even now, knowing that I want to just focus on one, my heart is no longer as obedient as it is suppose to be...

And from now, how am I going to lead the rest of my life?I want to just live a life that will glorify God and live my life to the fullest... Yes, I once gave up on my life because I didn't see the vision that God wants me to see, and because the person whom is rather important to me, choose to deny me in front of her friends. Though I said before, being lover in name is not important to me, because what I care about is the fact in reality...

I had an bad and deep fall sum time ago, it was a very painful fall.... I really thought that I couldn't pick myself up again but God shows that it's possible... Leanne, someone whom I know on 1st of January, 12.28am during the X2 Year End event, she influence me alot for alot of areas. Leadership, vision of life, love for people even when they fail us and alot more... Alot of times, when I feel like giving up and just withdraw myself from everything, God would always encourage me through her. And just like what she wrote on an card for me on my Baptism, "God knows how to send ppl to spur me!"

Thanks, I appreciate all of your love...

2008-04-14T20:30:00.002+08:00

My previous post for today is kind of emo, thus, I dun wish to make this post emo too...

寂寞时我会看着你写的信

这是让我努力走下去的原因

一点一滴随信纸勾出回忆

请相信你的心我永远都会珍惜

难过时你鼓励我继续往前行

在感动时你也会陪着我流泪

我们之间有一种奇妙的感应

请相信我愿意陪着你不会离去

i'll never gonna say goodbye

就算我们曾经距离多么遥远

答应过不会忘记这约定

i'll never gonna say goodbye

生命变的如此灿烂

因为你存在只要有爱就有未来

总在离别前那一刻忍住哭泣

将这份美丽藏在心底

dear 我好想告诉你在短短的时间里能把我的一切

说给你听我渴望也希望作你生活的重心因为有了你我才能支持下去

你知不知道其实我也想了解你的一切你的生日你的兴趣还有你的新发型

我想说的我想做的都是为了你

每次见到你都是愉快的心情

仿佛广阔世界只剩了你我

都可以在这些日子里有快乐也有哭泣

希望你从这一秒开始到永远都不会忘记哼着温暖的旋律 for you

This song is a special song which I want to dedicate to a few person whom the name list is too long for me to mention... Everyone, regardless of age, duration of knowing me, whether you belong to Hope Church or not, race, gender, I really want to tell all those who have known me since I am start my life anew... Whether you are my student, band mates, my fellow instructors, my working partners, my trainer/mentor, my friends, cousins, sisters, brothers, I just want to tell all of your that I love your all...

I am not someone who is rather verbal in expressing my feelings, and appreciations, though I may seems abit talkative at times, but I am very close with regards to expressing myself... Those who know me well, will know that I tend to express my feelings and appreciations through songs or music or dance... Asking me to affirm people is like a Mission Impossible but I managed to breakthrough in this area during Arete Camp during the 2nd night when I gather all the girls and have a very badly prepared/planned "Dedications Night"

During my Spiritual Birthday's celebrations on 7th of April at Downtown, the 2nd night of the Chalet which I am involved in the Committee, I got affirm by people whom I didn't expected, people like Joleen, Kelvin and James... Somehow through this Chalet, I got closer and understand a few of our brothers better... Kelvin and Paul are great e.g. Before this chalet, I dun tend to talk to them because I dun know what to talk about, but during this Chalet, we starts to chat more and hang around more oftently...

Kelvin, is a brother whom I can be very honestly affirm and acknowledge that I like his voice, his singing is so far, among all the brothers I have known in Hope Church, is real and have the correct singing method and attitude... Singing is definitely his gifting from God... I look forward to the day when I will in the Worship Ministry wit him, be leading P/W with him on stage... He is a great singer...

Paul wise, I know him and got closer with him because he was working with me for Games and he has been helping me alot in areas like preparing foods for the rest, and to carry stuff and to make suggestions in alot of areas... He is a nice guy to talk to, hang around with, rather interesting too... He seems to know alot of things, yup, just a guy who seems knowledgable and fun...

Through the Chalet, I seen and think through alot... I experience alot of different emotions during that few days... I learnt alot of stuff especially in planning, arranging events, and how to handle the sudden changes in different circumstances, know how to lead people correctly, and lead the event well... Perhaps I didn't discipline everything well, and I am not patient enough but I believe God will strengthen me in this area...

Last of all, I wanted to extend my thanks and appreciation to all those who have helpled me through, encourage, support me through, whether you are from my CG, Unit or Church or School or wherever, I really appreciate each of your presence in my life... Please forgive me if I am abit slow or offensive in certain areas... With love, tolerate my flaws bah... I will change them with God's grace and strength in me...

Birthday - What does it means to me?

2008-04-14T19:10:00.002+08:00

Birthday, honestly do not mean anything much to me but a year older physically... The meaning and the eagerness is long lost when my Dad left me in the year 2001... Before his departure in my life, I will always look forward for each birthday that he would celebrate for me.... I never fails to be waiting patiently to know what he would get for me, and surprisingly, he would always get the stuff I want but never tell him, for me...

Since then, I have never got a memorable birthday till last year when I met this little girl whom till now, I have no idea what to do about her... I gave her an nice name called "Mrs. Norbit" after we watched the very 1st movie, Norbit... I called her that, because she behave very similarly like the female lead... As fierce as her, as unreasonable as her and as demanding as her...

Last year birthday, she celebrated with me... We had our first dinner together at the Swensens of Marina Square... I even still kept the receipt with me, I still remember very clearly how that day passed... We went to Far East, Esplanade and Marina Square... It's her first time going Marina Square... We had a great time together, and bought alot of stuff too... Though everything bought that day was hers, and she felt bad about it but I dun mind because I have her companion...

However, that's last year... I even remembered her telling me that she will cry if i were to go MIA one day... This year, I have no idea if she still even remember my birthday or not...

This year round, I am going to celebrate my birthday with my CG, unit friends and maybe some other outside friends bah.... Alot of people ask me, what do I want to do for my birthday, seriously, I want to do alot of stuff for my birthday... I want to watch movie, I want to sing, I want to club, i want to drink, I want to play at the beach, I want to just have fun till the end of it... But how would it be possible?

Carousel, Ferris Wheel is what I like but I have no intention to spend my birthday there... Birthday no longer mean anything to me... I lost my Dad after he last celebrated for me, made me ate Durian Cake with my Mum knowing that I dun eat Durian... Made me so touched when I received the present... And for the girl, I lost her after she celebrated with me, who else am I going to lose???

I can feel your touch...

2008-04-13T15:07:00.002+08:00

Father Lord,

You are faithful to me, despite the times when I fail you, when I turn away from you and when I rebel against you. You carried me through the journey when I was tired and weary, you encouraged me through people around me and this wonderful verse,

" Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD wil renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40: 28 - 31

Alot of times, I draw back because I face alot of trials and problems and most of them are definitely hindering me from focusing on God. I wanted to give up at alot of times, but always, at the very verge of giving up, He shows me His Love and His faithfulness by sending people to me, to encourage me, to speak to me and to seek the probems inside me. He is forever faithful in keeping His promise to me.

Each time when I see no hope and light out of the problem I am stuck in, he will show that blink of light into my world of darkness. I was taught that Church is my place of refuge and true enough, each time when I feel that I am being cast out of the world, when everyone seems to have turn their back against me, whenever I return back to Church for service, I feel that love that God has promise, and the family that He have given me.

I know at certain times, I turn to convenant friends instead of immediate family in Christ but please kindly stop having the idea that I am serving Man instead of God... I have enough of repeating myself to clarify about everything... I am serving God and I know what I am doing... Having spiritual buddy is not for anything, but because I feel that our friendship is not just based on Christ but being built up on alot of common areas and the amount of common areas that we both like... I know it is not necessary to have a spritual buddy to have a successful spiritual walk, but let me repeat myself once and for all, I chose Li Ping as my spiritual buddy because she is really a good friend who understand me, who share alot of common interest and thinkings with me... That simple, it's not for the sake of my spiritual walk or anything... So stop commenting on me having spiritual buddy or accountability... I know what I am doing...

Wedding...

2008-04-11T12:08:00.003+08:00

"Wedding" has been the series which I have been watching lately and I really learnt alot through this series... Most importantly, I suppose I learnt that Love works in a vert mericulous manner... 2 person could have poles difference apart background, preferences and lifestyle, but they could be an perfect match for each other. God know us well because He is our Creator, He have created someone out there for us and all these takes time to bring us together with that special one out there.

In this show, Jiang Na-Ra and Ryu Shi-Won came from completely different background, they have different lifestyle, preferences, thinking and vision of life. But through time, compromise and sacrifices, love starts to bloom between them. Even when in between, when they found out the secrets that each other has been hiding, they put up an show together in order not to worry those who have been worrying for them.

The kind of love they have for each other and how much they are willing to tolerate of each other flaws and past, it's very encouraging.

And back to myself, all I can say is, though I am eager to have that kind of relationship that has been showed in the series, but regardless how I tried, all I get was just the kind of painful love and not of such. I have fallen wrongly in love with the wrong person, and this eventually leads to tragedy now, whereby whether to end or not, it will cause painful memories.

Unlike others, our love story couldn't bloom happiness though we both tried, I have seen her effort and her contributions and though she is no longer the little girl whom I loved and know, I know that she have never forgot all that I have done for her. And honestly, though she is not the person whom I first love in my life, but sadly she is the person who changed me completely, I become who I am now because of her.

To me, the greatest stage of Love is when you are willing to change yourself completely just for this person, regardless it is your habit or your characters... When you just wanna do everything with her, sleep, eat, drink, do homework, study together, when you wanna listen to what she listen, wanna read what she read, wanna feel what she feel, wanna see what she see, wanna believe in whatever she believe, wanna protect her when she is scared, wanna bring her to doctor and willingly hope that the person to be sick is you, wanna bring her to all the beautiful places, wanna fulfill all her dreams, wanna share all your joy with her and carry your sorrow and if allow to, her sorrow too alone and when you just hope that the 1st and last person you see daily is her...

This is my prospect of Love. I used to just be a barbaric gang member, I was so used to that kind of life till I see no mistakes in it until she nagged at me, quarreled with me not once but most of the times because of my lifestyle. Alot of areas, we couldn't compromise at all, she prefer bright colors while I prefer dark colors, she prefer shopping malls while I prefer quiet places like Esplanade, she prefer fastfoods but I prefer steaks and healthier foods, she prefer hanging out with friends while I prefer to just hang out with her alone, she prefer apples while I prefer strawberry, she prefer bathing once a day while I prefer 4 times, she prefer to wear clothes which are more of kiddy to youngster while I prefer mature and artistic clothings, she prefer to eat stuff while doing homework or studying while I prefer to drinking lemonade with honey...

All these shows our differences in preferences, I tried to compromise to hers but seems like no matter how much I tried, it still dun work. Compromising is not going bring us to anywhere, and she have definitely prove to me that 1st compromise will eventually lead to endless compromise... I give in once, and now she expect me to give in always... And she have never bother to step into my world to know what I want and need, and what kind of relationship I wish to have... Everything that happen inside the relationship has to be according to her preferences...

Perhaps she think I am very controlling but I seriously just hope that she will spend some time with me regardless how busy she is... Just meeting me around an hour a day, to share about our day and problems, to do homework together etc, tt's what I want but she have shown me that Man will fail us but God will never fail us. Because each time she hurt me, I will always realize that God has been beside me to guard me, to be with me and to carry me through the painful moments... Maybe it seems silly but I will learn about God's love for me through all those times when she hurt me and fail me...

Birthday...

2008-04-10T20:18:00.003+08:00

Hmmm...

Receive alot of questions about my birthday... E.g. How I want my birthday to be like? Wad kind of presents I like and want to receive?

Like what I told a little girl before, I dun expect expensive gifts because I dun look at gifts of how much they are worth or cost... I look at gifts through how much the person put in the thoughts and effort...

Whether the gifts is something I like/want/need or not, I look at the thoughts but not the gifts.

How I want my birthday to be like? I do not need a grand celebration, I just want to spend my birthday with my loved ones. Since my Dad's departure from my life, I no longer had any memorable birthday celebration except for last year, when I spent it with someone special. As for this year, I really just want to spend with someone special.

It is not necessary to be a mass celebrations whereby everyone come together to celebrate with me. I prefer 1-to-1 or a small group by a small group too. I normally prefer 1-to-1 because that's when I will feel comfortable, but I am okay with anything if my CG or Unit Friends (hope I am not too thick-skinned) want to celebrate with me...

I hope to celebrate 1-to-1 with Jasmine (my dear shepherd), Leanne (bt quite impossible due to her busy schedule), B.L and my friends... If really have no idea what I like, rely on your understanding towards me... I dun nid anything, I accept all gifts and thoughts...

Check my friendster out if you dun know what kind of stuff I like.

I dun wanna know...

2008-04-10T18:19:00.003+08:00

Intro:I just can't believe this man,
This is another night of these thoughts,
Can't get this out of my head
Somebody said they saw you,
The person you were kissing wasn't me
And I would never ask you
I just kept it to myself

[chorus]I don't want to know
If your playin' me
Keep it on the low
Cuz my heart can't take it anymore
And if you're creepin'
Please don't let it show
Ooooh baby I don't wanna know

(verse 2)I think about it when I hold you
When lookin' in your eyes I can't believe
I don't need to know the truth
Baby, keep it to yourself

[chorus]I don't want to know
If your playin' me
Keep it on the low
Cuz my heart can't take it anymore
And if you're creepin'
Please don't let it show
Ooooh baby I don't wanna know

(background)/ Bridge
Does he touch you better then me (Touch you better then me)
Does he watch you fall asleep (Watch you fall asleep)
Does he show you love this way
And the things you do to me (do to me baby)
If you're better off that way (Better off that way)
Baby all that I can say (All that I can say)
GO on and do your thing and don't come back to me(Stay away from me Baby)
I don't wann know
where you whereabouts of how you movin'
I know when you in the house of when you crusin'
It's been proven' my love you abusin'
I can't understand how a man got you choosin
Undecided I came and provided my, My undivded
You came and denied it (why)
Don't even try it, I know why you lyin'
Don't even do that, I know why you cryin'(stop cryin')
Im not applyin no pressure, I just want to let you know
That I don't wanna let you go
And I don't wanna let you leave
Can't say i didn't let you breath
Gave you extra cheese (c'mon)
Put you in the SUV
You wanted ice so I made you freeze
Made you hot like the west indies
Now it's time you invest in me
Cuz if not then it's best you leaveHolla Yeah

[chorus] repeat 3xI don't want to know
If your playin' meKeep it on the low
Cuz my heart can't take it anymore
And if you're creepin'
Please don't let it show
Ooooh baby I don't wanna know

Seriously, I really dun wanna know if she is out with another guy or not. Whatever kind of relations between them, I dun want to know. I got cheated 3 times in my previous relationship and that kind of feelings simply s***ks, I dun wish to go through it again... Especially when you caught the person you love lying to you and with another lover behind your back.

Knowing that this feeling is wrong, but still, I am having such feelings always and this is very torturing for me... Many people think I am experienced because my history of relationship are colorful but who would really bother to know what is inside me... I am a very possessive and sensitive lover, and because of my possessiveness, I have tire alot of people out.

However sometime, I really ask myself, have I been too good to this little girl or am I still not good enough to her? I gave her everything she wants, everything she needs and everything she would wanna have. But why is it that she is still like this? I have no idea if she is demanding or etc but all along, I willingly allow myself to be order around.

As for this little girl, I seriously dun know what to say or do le... I realize even if I am jealous, angry or etc, she wouldn't know and care also. So why not I just put this focus on something which is much important bah. I am serving God and not Man, so I dun wish and dun wanna allow such matters to distract me again le. Perhaps it's hard for me to get over this whole incident, persuading myself to jux put this matter aside...

As for her, whether she really did something unfaithful or not, I dun wanna know le. As for the relationship wise, she can deny all she wants in front of man, because this just shows that she is still after all serving man instead of God. She mind what people says and think about her... And most importantly, it is being stated in the Bible, God dun lyk lying tongues... She can lie to all people by all means but I am sure God will show the truth one day... By then, I am sure she will still face the judgment that she fears...

I guess I made the wrong assumption...

2008-04-09T19:02:00.002+08:00

Did I really think too much? Or am I really too sensitive? Haix... Seriously, I dun wanna noe about what is going on le... After thinking through alot of things, I realized even if I am very agitated about this whole matter, it's not going to make the whole matter go anywhere also...

I'm really tired, physically and mentally but I seems to be quite troubled over too much stuff... Patience has been something I am lacking of, no matter is in my personal life or my spiritual leadership skills... Maybe I am potential to be a leader, but I believe I am still required to go through more training and guidance from my leaders... There is no perfect leaders, I believe I am still further off from the standards...

I wouldn't want to lead a group which will in turn cause them to backslide, I want my group, my future group to be a group which soar and not fall... If my group would fall, I rather I dun rise up as leader because I dun want to mislead anyone...

Another 17 days, would b my birthday... To be honest, I am excited but I dun dare and dun noe wad would happen that day... I am excited but I dun noe wad will happen on tt day?

Why did you break my trust when I did my best in trusting you?

2008-04-09T10:53:00.002+08:00

最后的风度(罗志祥)
没有人介入所有人觉得你该满足我把心血全都付出你为何想哭为你作主让你受到我的保护可是你像受苦到底是谁难以相处我给你幸福你问我什么才是幸福这个问题反而让我把你看个清楚你怕束缚我的爱没能把你驯服你没有退路那倒不如爽快结束就让你见识我的风度你离开我要不要庆祝我不怕爱的残酷反正我很想跳舞我最喜欢挑战孤独我也爱放下包袱没有谁我也不舍得哭 hu 我~我不在乎你觉得痛苦我倒不愿意为爱受苦只有这样我才做到对你的背叛宽恕想你幸福想不到分手你才幸福是谁的错误我不认输我忍得住就让你见识我的风度你离开我要不要庆祝我不怕爱的残酷反正我很想跳舞我最喜欢挑战孤独我也爱放下包袱没有谁我也不舍得哭 hu 我没有空在乎就让你见识我的风度我忍痛温柔的祝福你会一生都记住我要你铭心刻骨我最喜欢挑战孤独我也爱放下了包袱没有谁没难度我最怕哭 ah~

爱要爱得投入却不在乎 ah~

I feel betrayed... Someone who keep emphasizing that she will be faithful, won't betray my trust or do anything behind my back... I forgave her for the 1st time when I passed her mp3 before I went off for Arete Camp, I saw her with another guy... I persuaded myself to believe that they are just classmates and there isn't anything going on with them... She always like to tell me this, "If you love me then trust me" but seriously, I dun noe what to do right now...

Once again, I know that she is alone with this guy again and they went to make her specs together... I know that she is going the Vision 768 to make specs but she didn't tell me that she is going with this guy... Am I too senstive? Or perhaps I should really find out who this guy is and what kind of relations they are before I decide on anything? I dun wish to allow myself to do anything out of rash but seriously I really dun wish any of these to be true...

Whether this guy is really her new love or not, I hope I won't bear any grudges towards her because I know how much this is going to affect me. I jux had my spiritual birthday celebrations 2 nights ago, I still remember what those loved ones affirm me with and what I promise them... I dun wish to fall aback because of anything and anyone le.. I had one great and painful fall due to Cassie's departure, I dun wish to fall lyk this again... I know all these are wrong and I should get over her, I will be very persistent and determined in this.

She is a CL, I hope I can believe that she know what she is doing and I hope she is doing everything right in God's will. Meanwhile, I will do my part in getting over that wrong love towards her. I just wanna focus on my growth in Christ, my promise to Jasmine, X.Z and Leanne

continue frm previous post

2008-04-08T13:04:00.002+08:00

Upon sending her off, Ace, Kenneth and me went back to the Chalet. Ace went to find her friends, and Kenneth went to settle the other stuff while I went back to check on the girls. Until 1.45 then I told Kelvin that 2.30 will be lights off, cause there are some who need to rest. Just then, we have some kind of minor arguments with Kenneth. Kelvin and I are very persistent about the safety of the girls and thus, eventually Ace made a suggestion whereby we both side think is okay. Guys who wanna sleep will enter the Chalet, if not, no one is allow to enter the room.

I am very insists of asking every girl to rest because I dun want what happened during the Arete Camp to happen again, whereby all become so restless and couldn't focus. In addition, I am the event planner, I know what their program are for the next day, I dun want any of the girls to faint or etc... Maybe I was being too protective but I dun want anything to happen to the girls.

Here comes the 2nd day...

Woke up at 6 plus after dozing off around 5 smth, after a monkey open the door so loudly... Brought the girls to Mac, went to have breakfast and slack around. Somehow through this chalet stay, I got my vision of a sister even clearer but never mind, I shall not mention names here. Around 12 smth, Li Ping got back and I meet her and Paul for the Games Briefing and final Meeting. Was very helpless when I know that more than half of the people are going Wild Wild Wet, but there wasn't anything I can say because it's their decisions. After knowing there is only roughly around 10 person joining the games.

I was very helplessly lost, I know that God was testing me and I know that there is definitely a way out. Just then, I decided to just hold a BBQ since they wanted to celebrate a sister (visitor)'s birthday and I can also bring those who wanna play to the supermarket and play a game with them over there. I brought my Games Committee people (Paul and Li Ping) to the White Sands NTUC first. I went around with a trolley to get the foods and stuff for the BBQ, while Paul and Li Ping went to get the list of things whereby they are to let the guys and girls team to get.

Around 3 plus, the girls team reach the Supermarket and the guys too after I called Kelvin and he told me that they are on the way out. I led the girls team while Paul led the guys team, hmmm, though the game was quite lame but I really hope that they enjoyed the game. During the game, I passed my wallet to Li Ping and asked her to push the trolley to pay for those foods stuff and drinks then get back to the destination point.

After both teams got their stuff, they came back to the destination point, and the results is the guys lose the game... They are to do an forfeit decided from the girls team which is they have to jump lyk a Chinese Vampire in a row to the main entrance... Initially, they have to dance "Dun Cha" but they were very shy... So James made this suggestions...

The whole BBQ started off at around 4 smth, the games committee went back straight after we got the stuff back from the games... We took a cab back because there is seriously too many stuff and too heavy... We bought 5 packets of Otah (total 100 sticks), 3 packets of Chicken Wings, 2 bottles of Marinate (Teriyaki & Red Wine + Garlic), 1 bottle of Red Wine, Containers and etc... The BBQ started off, and X.Z came earliest among the guests...

While I was barbequing the foods together with Kelvin who stood beside me and keep bickering with me and Zhen De and Li Ping across... And we all sabotage Xiu Zhen, we put all the foods we are done cooking onto her plate... And just then, I receive an SMS from Joleen "Hey gal.. Happy 1st spiritual birthday! :)" I was very surprised and thought I saw the wrong name... Later on, I started having strange questions like, do u like Oreo or Chocolate and later, I really thought they just order my birthday cake... Later on, when Joleen reach, I asked her how she know it's my spiritual birthday, she told me because she is psychic...

We celebrated the Miao Hui's birthday then they went off... Just then, everyone ask me to go to the table and I went off... Just then, they said James had something for me, and they started singing the "Birthday Song" to me and Joleen passed me the birthday cake which I was completely surprised and stunned and do not know how to react... They made me to make wishes and must say out one, but seriously, I really do not know what are my wishes... So later on, I just made a wish whereby I want to rise up...

Later on, I cut the cake and Hui Yin, Joleen (whom I have been waiting for a long tym to hear her affirm me-to be honest), Kelvin, James, X.Z, Jasmine and L.P affirm me... I am quite encouraged by their affirmation and honestly, I didn't expected all these... Only regret is that Leanne wasn't around, she have to teach tuition till 10pm and by the time she come over is already rather late plus she is not well... Thus, I suppose it's only better that she go home and rest early instead of rushing over... But nevertheless, the sabotage of Fear Factor plan is still around and left fulfilled...

Hmmm... Rather worried for her also, and I really hope that her flu is recovering instead of other... Will definitely keep her in prayers... And also Yoke Ling... Really thanks alot for all the efforts for this birthday celebrations... Especially thanks to Joleen who went to bought the cake... No wonder, I was still wondering why is the DMM coming to the BBQ suddenly, at first, I thought it was just attending an event and since they were suppose to have DMM meeting and I am here at the Chalet being one of the Committee... But was really encouraged by their attendance...

And now that I am back home nest, I am really tired yet still need to attend to some stuff... Ace's birthday is coming, and her birthday happenly to falls on 19th of April, same as a person whom my ex timer me with and this person is none other than Alvin Lee Bing Ru... Hmmm... wondering what shall I get for her... Got quite close to her since the Chalet also... Used to be quite afraid of speaking to her, but due to some coincidence, we spoke to each other and I found her a very approachable leader and is quite a nice person to speak to too...

It's a enjoyable and memorable yet tiring night...

2008-04-08T00:36:00.002+08:00

Just came back from an memorable Chalet. Sunday afternoon, brought a girl to doctor before taking a Cab down to Ang Mo Kio to fetch Li Ping then move on to Sengkang to meet Vincent to help him carry some stuff down to Downtown. Upon reaching, Li Ping and I had a discussion on the Games plans while Joel, Jia Sheng and Chen Wei just sat there to play and sing on their own. Vincent and Zhen Hui went to settle the other guys (their visitors). It was fun, Joel sang along with the the MP3, it was high and fun...

Later on, when we started preparing for all the BBQ stuff, the sisters started coming in. We started the BBQ as planned and everything goes well. Something happens in between but quite senstive so I shall no reveal here. Later on, our Miss Leanne finally reaches because she overslept and miss the bustop till Changi Airport. Can't blame her also, I suppose because it's due to her flu and she is not well thus she feels tired easily. But nevertheless, she bullied me lyk mad when she reaches the Chalet.

First, she keep talking and talking until I made her to go into the room and she just walk lyk a blur sotong with a sense of directions. Later on, when she wanted to pass me the money for the Chalet, I told her I paid for her already and she stuff the money into my collar from the back. And from there, the whole night here and there, we were playing catching... Even had an short wrestling at the bed when she bit me... But it's alright because I didn't feel any pain at all, even her struggles, aiyo... Is so damm weak...

Later on, we got tired of the wrestling, she just took the money and she keep pushing it to me and I push it back to her. And of course, I realize that she is scared of being tickled also because she struggled quite violently. We went out to eat, and she drank, I pour hers into mine because I didn't want her to drink and of course with a reason, because she is not well. No matter what she do and say, I just keep stopping her to drink but eventually, I know she did drank secretly because she asked someone to pour for her beneath the table, so that I can't see because I was at the pit barbequing for the rest. So in estimation, I drank qutie a amount bah, but I am dead sure, I am not drunk.

I drank her share and mine, drank an additional bottle of Barcadi, which is like quite nothing to me but although I feel abit giddy, I know what I am doing and where I am. I may seems to be drunk, but I am not. Standing in front of the pit with all the heat hitting on my face, naturally, my face will be red. After Leanne ate her share, we went to the room and she went in first bcux I was cooking... When I went in, she was already sitting next to my bag and of course, by then, I really didn't expected much because I didn't know that she noe which is my bag.

I rest there, then she pulled the movable bed out and dragged me on it. I passed her the jacket that I bought for her, she took out and told me it's nice then asked me whose is it... I told her it's for her and she asked for what, and I told her because I always see her in the same jacket so wanted to wear smth new. She was quite glad about the gift bah. She went off around 2 plus, Ace and I sent her off.

*Will Update asap-I am tired and dozing off le.*

Stressful Times...

2008-04-04T21:22:00.002+08:00

Rite now, I am going through one of the most difficult points of my life. Somehow something is wrong with me but I have no idea what is wrong with me. Anyone who are really observant, will realize my temper and patience got very bad lately. I have no idea what has gone wrong with me, even towards someone whom I have never dared to throw tantrum at, I showed attitude towards that person.

I hate myself alot! I dun lyk how I behave now and I dun lyk my own attitude!

Insults...

2008-04-04T18:37:00.002+08:00

I suppose I am really a gread baddie in the past, I regret alot about my past but there's no turning point. I dun know whether I am condemning myself or wad but alot of times, I feel so bad about myself especially about the stuff that I have done in my life.

7th of April marks the day I come to faith, time flies, 1 year le. I am a turning 1 year old in Christ and this is definitely something interesting but I dun know whether I feel excited about it or not. I came to faith after I was being psycho to go Church by a little girl who change my life completely and is now hiding in Youth Ministry of Hope. Through her, I see how God works on me and brought me to His arms and I am very thankful especially to have this girl in my life once again.

I learnt that everyone will face rejections, even Jesus faced when He came down to Earth to the people. It wasn't easy for Him but He trust that He should overcome evil with Love. And overcome evil with Love has being my biggest principle of life right now. Somehow, upon facing certain people, I find it hard to apply this principle. An person whom I mention in the previous entry, B, somehow, I seriously think that there's some problem with us. I tried to mend the relations between us, but the bondings between us has really caused alot of problems.

I guess if departure is the only solution for both of us, all I can do for her is to leave her before she leave me. At least, it will bring her lesser misery and she won't go through tat kind of struggles again. I know leaving me years ago, she had alot of struggles, and now, I know very well that she is having struggles about to tell me her feelings or not. Perhaps I am wrong in some areas, especially indecisive and flickering mindset but I have never meant to hurt anyone.

I suppose and I can really see myself being badly affected in alot of areas since Cassie's death, my temper got very bad, my patience got the minimum limit and just a little thing, if slightly provoked, I will just explode and start showing attitude and hurting people even my loved ones with my harshness. So far, quite alot of people has being hurt by my tantrum, Jasmine, Li Ping (at times) and some other friends, I really wanna apologize. I am sorry but I just couldn't control myself.

I dun like it too when I hurt people especially my loved ones, I hate myself for being like this but I just find it hard to control myself. Maybe is because I am under extreme stress, burdens, lack of rest and I am sick...

I have to go out a short while. Continue again later...

The pain is still there... I realize I am really a flirt baddie...

2008-04-04T16:23:00.003+08:00

说再见别说永远再见不会是永远
说爱我别说承诺爱我不需要承诺
不后退就让它心碎宁愿孤独的滋味
不被了解的人最可悲反正爱不爱都有罪
要走也要擦干眼泪
别问爱过多少人在一起的人
只问爱你有几分
别问太多的伤痕如果不懂伤有多深
别问最爱我的人伤我有多深
现实总是太残忍我早已付出了灵魂

People come and leave in our life. Whether we like it anot, they will come into our life and leave us eventually one day. All along I have seriously thought that I have get over my Dad's death because I no longer dwell about it but through Cassie's death, it triggers everything back once again. And made me realize that I have all along been deceiving myself, I choose to escape and avoid the issue and decieve myself when I felt the pain but I have never once get over it.

"Stairway to Heaven" is the Korean Series which changed me quite alot with regards to Love and is an series which I used to remember a person in my life. This person, I dun noe whether she mind if I reveal her name here or not, but just in case, dis person is none other than B and is someone who went down to Admiralty Mac with me a few nights ago to meet Xiu Zhen, Hong Koon, Li Ping and Jasmine. Let me explain why...

Everything memorable happens when I am stuck in between her and another ex, J. The song, especially, "Miss You" the lyrics will always touches me and will always trigger off the pain of missing this person. This person, although she is nt the 1st love of my life but is the 1st relationship which started off officially and is someone who showed me the meaning of loving someone. She is someone whom is rather important and influence me alot of stuff. And this series and this song just simply never fails to remind me of her and our story.

I really didn't expected myself to be her 1st love, and it's really very surprising. And somehow, the bonds between us, have never been severed even as we went separate ways these few years. The farmiliar feeling is still there, but I suppose it's quite out of question for both of us to get back together. The bonds is still there but everything has just become past and history.

I dun deny that this relationship with her did hurt me quite badly espcially when she left without saying goodbye but never mind, at least there aren't any grudges between us.

And for now, as I am trying to get over Cassie's departure from my life, I am determined to get out of my Dad's death together with Cassie's... It is not going to be easy, I may be abit abnormal now but I will get over everything and eventually move out of everything... Meanwhile, my attitude may be mad, my behavior and etc may be abnormal, but bear with me for the time being, I will be okie after venting everything out. As for now, the mask is there and I dun know when I will remove this mask from my face...

Pretence...

2008-04-03T13:50:00.002+08:00

http://profile.imeem.com/S8hpUMd/music/W-cCvqzF/jolin_jia_zhuang/

Dis song has been the song which Cassie has been listening to lately, I have no idea if she want to return because of Love or because of some other stuff.

It wasn't easy for me these few days especially to cope with this incident but thank God for a few people in my life, Leanne, Li Ping, Jasmine (who was dere with me when I got the news), Hong Koon, Xiu Zhen and Bao Ling who eventually learnt the news and stayed by my side too. I had wanted to leave the camp by then, but I asked myself, "Why am I sacrificing my opportunity to go Beijing with my team to come this camp?" And of course, knowing the answer I choose to stay behind despite the burning pain inside and how hard I am trying to maintain cool.

That day wasn't a easy day for me, especially during the teaching, I have no idea how should I concentrate because my mind was on Cassie. It was wrong of me to be doing so, but the news of her death is just too sudden and too distracting. Someone whom I have been speaking to, whom I have been bickering with here and there, whom have always been there to tolerate with my tantrum is now lying there, motionless and cold forever...

I tried to convince myself, tried to persuade myself, tried to counsel myself, tried to get myself out but why is it that this maze seems so long and the path is just never-ending. I have no idea how am I going to get myself out, perhaps with God leading my hands out or carrying me on His back because I am really tired...

Jux managed to recover from Flu before camp reaches, and now after Camp has ended and this coming weekend having Chalet, my flu is back once again. Looking at the Herbal Tea which Li Ping never fails to buy for me when I am sick, the sweet which Leanne bought, I just dun feel like consuming them. I know if I want to recover fast, I have to finish drinking it and of course with Leanne's sweets, but I dun feel like consuming them now. Leanne took a sip of the herbal tea during Theme Night, and she experience the bitterness of the herbal tea by then. She couldn't take the bitterness, and wanted me to faster recover if not, she will have to keep on drinking it to make me drink.

Was touched by Leanne's action when she drank the sip, to make me drink though the tea was really bitter beyond words description. Chalet is this coming Sunday, so far, none of my CG girls are going, I guess probably due to the re-opening of school or work. Am in-charge of Games with Li Ping and so far, still under discussions for Game. Haix... I suppose burying myself with work is one of the ways which I can use to distract myself from thinking of Cassie. It wasn't easy to cope with the loss of an loved ones, especially one whom you feel bad about and one who have contributed alot to your life.

From today onwards, she will live in my memory bank forever and forever there will always be a corner in my heart, carrying her best wishes with me. I have chose to keep all the stuff which will reminds me of her, her presents to me all at her room instead of mine. It's nt because I wish to sever all ties with her but I just wish to just keep everything to our past and story which have ended today.

I am still wearing a mask in front of people, I believe one day, God will remove this mask from me and I will eventually get over everything and move on from here. This is a bad and great fall, but thank God, I am still in God's will upon defeating the temptations. And now, my humorous is to hide my pain, there is this phrase, 'zhi wo cui mian" which can greatly describte what I am doing now. Knowing that this mask wun last long, I still choose to hide myself. Leanne and Li Ping told me to be real, there's no need to hide my emotions in front of them and God but still, I can't bring myself to just burst out in tears in front of them.

When I eventually cried during the Theme Night, I told Hong Koon that I wished Leanne and Yoke Ling would be there to hug me but still, I am thankful that she was there with me. This mask is tough to remove, and I believe God will take it away from me as time goes by and I will eventually be the real me in front of people around me... It's tough to walk on, let me recover before I move on...

Don't Say Goodbye...

2008-04-03T11:46:00.001+08:00

Today I am sending off someone dearly to me, it was really a very painful experiences for me... Through her journal, I realized she dedicated "不公平" to me and the lyrics really shatters my heart...

走了那麼遠　發現你不在身邊獨自走過了什麼　自己都不了解未來的藍圖應該有你　不該只剩嘆息　只是偶爾淚流不停堅強的理由　只是自己騙自己你眼中的恐懼　說什麼都多餘付出的一切值不值得　永遠不會有答案只有天知道我有多麼愛你一顆心屬於一個人　在愛情裡什麼算公平而當傷已傷了深　是不是催眠了自己一顆心屬於我自己　愛情裡找不到公平而當你最後選擇了逃避　我學會不公平

I seriously didn't know that I put her through such pain... I chose to escape, because I let her down and I dun wish to drag on the relationship. Maybe I didn't handle the relationship well, but seriously, I was still young and ignorant by then.

"Do Something" by Britney Spears has been the song which she got me crazy over her and now that she is gone, this song plays repeatedly inside my mind. Though during the relationship, we wasn't really able to be together like couple whereby spend time together but she will always compromise to my timing. She work at night in club, thus, daytime is her resting time but she choose to sacrifice her sleep, just to accompany me. During that relationship, I spend all my nights in club to enjoy myself with her while she is at work, or to wait for her.

And now that I have send her off, that kind of memories are just like chains on me, it hurts alot but I know I have to get over everything. "Bleeding Love" is the very last song she dedicated to me. She is really silly... The funeral was especially memorable. It was after I arrange for all her funeral etc, then I realize it really wasn't ready to prepare for an funeral. I gave her an decorations of pink and white rose, pink (her favorite color) and white is my favorite. She told me this before, "though it seems quite impossible, but if there's a day when you will marry me, I want our wedding to be decorated with pink and white roses."

This isn't an wedding but her funeral, knowing that I can't fulfill this dream of hers, this is all I can do for her. Love songs are played, and I made it seems like an wedding than an funeral, this is all I can do for her lastly and I know very well that she wouldn't want her funeral to look like one. Since I know her, she will never failed to amaze me, she dun like to do things normally, even her dressings, all are in abnormal style because she wants to be different from others. Therefore, I suppose this is one of the abnormal things that I can do for her.

I am glad that her Mum and Sister are on my side, and of course, I will continue to take care of them as promise... Though till now, her Mum still refuse to believe that Cassie is gone, but it's alright, slowly as time goes by, I will work together hand in hand with her sister, Candy to help her Mum accept Cassie's death. It's nt going to be a easy journey to finish and walk on, but nothing is impossible with God. Like what Leanne has said, maybe this would be a good opportunity for me to bring them to faith and let them know who God is.

And of course, today as I send Cassie off, it marks the end of the story between me and her and it's time for me to really start everything anew... It may not be easy but I suppose time will heal all wounds...

Cassie-Leave me well, be happy... I am sorry...

2008-04-02T16:45:00.002+08:00

This entry is especially for Cassie, someone whom have left me on 30th of March afternoon without saying goodbye. She left me with no chance to apologize to her, it's too late for regrets and for any nonsense because she is gone for good.

Cassie,

I hope you are happy at this moment, though I didn't managed to fulfill your last wish for you, I will always remember your love for me. Though it's really too late for me to even apologize but rite now, there's no turning point le. Time can't change back, and we can't go back to the past anymore. What I remember now of you, is that cheerful, caring, understanding, playful and loving girl and I know that I will be remembering this side of you till the end of time.

Though we can no longer be together, I believe you will understand my reason de. Perhaps like what the others say, it's all too late but what matters is that both of us know that we do mean something to each other. Maybe I didn't say out but you do plays a important part of my life. I really appreciate all the love and patience that you have gave me, and I really treasure our memories.

Goodbye, I will live on strongly and happily de.... Though it's nt easy to accept your departure, but I believe God has bring you away from me for a reason. All I can do for you is the funeral arrangements, I hope you like it whether you can see it or not. Accepting your death is not a options for me but a must for me. I will live on for the sake of you, I will live on well...

Tym heal all wounds, but will it carry away the pain?

2008-04-02T10:31:00.000+08:00

I am taught that God will heal all wounds, and I know with faith, God will heal all my wounds. Last night, went to Admiralty Macdonald to meet Jasmine, Li Ping, Hong Koon and Xiu Zhen with Bao Ling. It was rather weird, when I went down there, they kept laughing and even crack a joke, telling me that Xiu Zhen is my shepherd which is a April Fool's Day joke. They find it funny but somehow I dun. And later, they kept on laughing about some stuff I guess I missed out, and it's my 1st time to see Xiu Zhen to laugh until so madly but it's definitely great to laugh than cry bah.

They told me alot of stuff, which to be honest, I have really tried to apply them to myself but I suppose, I still can't really absorb in. I know they meant good and I know they wanna help me. Leanne spoke to me after I got home, we chat on MSN and she told me alot too. I really know that God will never put us through trials which we can't get through, I know He have His own reasons to put me through this and I know I should have faith in Him to show His purpose. Perhaps He want me to testify, to get through and then help people who is also facing such pain.

He want to strengthen and build me up, but anyone out there know how tough it is to really get over and move on. I know that it's too late for be remorseful, regret and to apologize because that will not bring her back, but still, it's normal to feel remorseful, regret or to apologize bah because I have emotions. Though all these loved ones told me not to blame myself, lyk what Leanne said, she have to be responsible for her own life. But one thing, I can't deny that I contribute to the factors which pushes her to this 1-way route. I know I have to get out of this to move on, in order to continue to grow and soar.

My promise towards Leanne, to grow in Christ lyk a Cactus, to withstand all circumstances and extremes, have I kept to this promise? Why is it that I am still so badly affected by this incident and I seems to have forgotten about this promise. Cactus, I gave her a pen of Cactus and I had a Cactus on my table, which is given to me by Hong Koon. All these should remind me always, but why am I still like this? On the theme night itself, I affirm Leanne that I will definitely keep to the promise made to her on her birthday, but why is it that I am still struggling?

If I have faith, I shouldn't be struggling and just surrender all to God but why am I still struggling? Have I really just turn a deaf ear against to what Hong Koon, Li Ping, Jasmine, Xiu Zhen and Leanne said? What should I do? I gave myself a deadline, I must get myself out of this whole incident by that day. I dun wish to dwell, I dun wish to continue such life in sorrow and pain and guilt. But one thing I can't deny, I really can't forget what I have done to her, to be cruel and harsh to her when she needed me and I can't forget what I have read in her computer dairy. I may not be the ultmate person to cause her death, but I contributed to her death...

When you are gone and it's too late to say sorry...

2008-04-01T15:47:00.000+08:00

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okayI miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okI miss you
We were made for each other Out here forever I know we were Yeah, yeah
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me Yeah
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

Lyrics from 'When You Are Gone"

Someone is gone... From my life... Someone whom loved me dearly, someone whom have always been there for me, someone whom have always endured with all the pain that I gave her and someone whom always do things for me silently behind my back...

I am a murderer, I killed her indirectly... I dint expected her to be so silly, she commit suicide after I rejected her on 22nd of March before I went for my Service and I got a call after my dinner with my Unit Girls that she has been hospitalized. By the time I reached hospital, her sister told me tt she is in coma and doctor want her loved ones to talk to her, to encourage her and to support her to wake up and to get through... I spoke to her, and I know she heard me because she cried and there was some response... But still, she didn't wake up...

And finally, eventually, she left me eternally on 30th of March afternoon, when I wasn't by her side... She left this world... And I just read all her journal entries in her computer, my heart shatters... She hid so much from me, she suffered alone in darkness and I happily dun noe wad's gg on, thought that she was just being crazy... It's too late, no matter what I wanna tell her, it's all too late...

I dun understand, what is so good about me? Why must she love me to the extend of being such foolish to die for me just to show me how much she love me? I was harsh, cruel and bad to her, when she request to patch back with me and not sparing a thought for her, I shatter her love... I wanted so much to just tell her I am sorry, but it's all too late... When she was in coma, i did and said all that I can... But still, she still left this world...

And now, what else can I do? Everything is too late... There's no turning back... What done cannot be undone... I know I have to get over her death, have to pull myself up strong, so that I can help her family and do what I can do for her but I really cant... I pretended and tried to be happy but I failed... Using a smile to cover up my pain and tears is not something within my abilities, I tried to bury myself with work, with church stuff and even my band practices but all these doesn't work... Images of those memories still come flashing...

So what if I feel remorseful, guilty and regretful? So what if I apologize? She is gone, gone forever and will never return and time will never return back to the same again. What done cannot be undone. Each time I see her mum, I am so filled with guilt, but there's nothing I can do. I am preparing her funeral on behalf of her family, because right now, her mum still can't accept her death and her sister have to look after her mum. And I am being given the treatment like as though I am her spouse on the funeral because her family and relatives know about the kind of relations we once had...

I know that God have His purpose for putting me through all these, but seriously, putting up a smile to hide all my tears and pain is something which I can't apply the same thing to this incident... It wasn't easy for me to get over my Dad's death and now, here comes another death into my life... And it's a death which is caused by my selfishness, harshness and cruelty... I wish and i really hope that time could reverse back but it's impossible, she is gone and this is a fact that I have to accept... Whether I like it or not, she is gone...

I never meant to hurt her, I break her heart when I reject her because I dun wish to destory her future with me, I am not a good person to be with, and I dun deserve her love. She is a nice girl, she deserve someone better and not me. If it's possible, I really wanna tell her that I am willing to do anything and everything for as long as she comes back... Whatever it takes, I really hope to see her smile and hear her laughter again...

I know I have to step out of all these, but seriously, I need time. It's not easy to get over a death of your loved ones and especially someone whom u once being together with, loved deeply and someone whom have done so much for you... Words can't describe how much I wanna tell her that I am sorry for all that I have done and said, there isn't any more romance love between us rite now, but still, I can't deny that there's still some feelings between me and her...

I should have read her blog in her comp earlier... Maybe i still won't patch with her, but I will be able to handle better... I have never expected myself to be so important to someone. I know she love me but I didn't expect her to use her death to show me how much she love me... She left behind de not only is pain, tears but regrets too because regrets is all that is filling me up to the brim now...

And now, just when I am in the mid of her funeral, another ex of mine which I dun wish to mention her name is threatening me with her life too. Why? Why do people dun treasure their life and will always like to threaten me with their life? What am I suppose to do? Am I really that charming or something? Why are my ex returning to me to ask for patch? Why bother to say that you realized my importance and presence in your life when I am already disappointed and dun wanna tot about the past relationship anymore? Why bother to tell me that you love me when you hurt me? And why bother to only regret when it's too late and you use your life to tell me that you love me?

I have lost 1 life, I dun wish to cause another death anymore. Stop and dun threaten me with death anymore, if this goes on, I think I will really go bersek! Life is precious and I have learnt my lesson for hurting myself in the past, everyday and everywhere, there will be people struggling to live on, why can't these people learn the importance of life?

I am really very tired le, please stop using death to make me return to you. If you love me, then dun force me and dun restrict me down with your life. If you love me, then respect me and set me free. If you love me, dun torture me. If you love me, live happily and strong because no one can't live without anyone in this world. Each of us are complete in Christ and God is our biggest and only neccessities in life. Nothing and no one else. It took me a long time to get this logic into my life and now that I understand it, all these happens to me.

M, if you are reading this, forgive me that I didn't tell you about Cassie's death and how Cassie is related to me. It's nt that I dun want to tell you but you know that you a vat of vinegar, a little stuff and you will jux kick a fuss out of it. I dun understand y are you following her steps, using your own life to threaten me. But seriously, I really dun wish anything to happen to you. I saw you yesterday, and I saw all the wounds you have gave yourself because of me, I really wanna tell you that you are too silly. Sorry, that I rejected your kiss, I dun wish to give you false hope and it's really over for that romance relationship. Hug is all I can give you... Sorry...

God, are u working on me?

2008-03-29T12:41:00.000+08:00

2nd Day of the Arete Camp, I woke up at 7am, snooze the alarm and wake up only at 7.30am then Xiu Zhen asked me to wake the rest of the CG up because she have to go off le. I woke the rest up, went to Downtown with Hong Koon and came back.

Went for the workshop on "Temptations" and it was on Youth getting involved in Pre-Marital Sex. Though it wasn't quite applicable for me, but I believe God have His own reasons for bringing me into that workshop. Whatever He wants me to be there for, I shall entrust myself completely to Him without any doubts.

And now, I am blogggin before I set off with my CG for Golden Mile Complex.

Arete Camp (Day 1)

2008-03-29T00:31:00.000+08:00

Wow! Today is the 1st day of our Arete Camp! It's great! I was late due to some stupid stuff, have to host a band footdrills test. Reach the Golden Mile Complex at around 2 plus. When I reach there, they were close to having teaching, Leanne was briefing the camp. Soon, Pastor Jasmine started the teaching. It was a great teaching, "A Sanctified Life" and I have learnt really alot. Repentance, Shuwb which means to turn back and retreat from mistakes and sins. Guilt is just when you escape from the eye of God and even leaders, to prevent punishment and judgment.

A few verses which really touches my heart

"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"

Mattew 16:26

What does this verse means? Or how does this verse applies to me? In fact, alot of times, I will ask myself what is the reason why am I striving or working so hard in Music area. Am I really after fame? Am I after my passion? Or am I just doing something for the sake of creating out a name of myself in this world. Alot of times, I will relfect on my motives before making sure that I won't do anything that doesn't glorfy God. Because so what if I created a name out of this world, having fame, but what I have in soul is just a empty shell.

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

Mattew 26: 41

Temptations is everywhere, even rite now in this camp.

I am tired but...

2008-03-27T00:53:00.000+08:00

Jux finish reading Leanne's Blog. Realize quite a few stuff, wow, hers is really real mature and kind of adult format whereby mine still abit childish... Haha... I am still YOUNG... =p

What is life all about? Is it all about pursuing Fame, Career, Money, Romance, Pleasure or Title Shot? Life is brittle, upon facing death, we are nothing but just dust which will be swept across helplessly. Whether you are Christian or not, no one can escape from death. Recently, I had an ex by the name, Cassie has been admitted into hospital and in fact until now, she is still in coma. I have no idea what to do, to make her condition improve. I know I am the reason why she is lying there, but other than loving her in the way she want me to, I can do all the other stuff for her.

Life is been given to us by God, He created us in His image but all of us have fallen short of the perfect standard and we sinned against Him. Even when we failed Him, when we turned our back against Him, He still loves us and still bring us back to Him. No one on Earth loves us as much as God do, Jesus is God's greatest present to His children, us. A perfect man, Jesus died on the Cross to redeem us from our sins, the punishment which is death. Why did he done so? It's out of Love.

Love, some are selfish when it comes to Love and that includes me. Not wanting to share with anyone, alot of time, I hurt the person whom I love and who love me. And because of this reason, I didn't want to get into relationship but still, I got into one after another. I didn't know what was my destination in the relationship, I claim and I always tell the person whom I am in a relationship in with, I love them but do I really love them as much as I am suppose to or shall I ask how much do I know about Love?

Alot of times, I will always tell a particular person in my life, that I am willing to sacrifice everything even God just to show this person how much I love. But after some time, I realize that was a very stupid thing to say because I dun know what is Love at all. Love is not when you said that you are willing to sacrifice everything, but Love is when you know that you sacrifice something to make the person you love happier and not adding to the person's trouble, unfortunates or etc...

Love is when you contribute endlessly without complaining that you are not getting anything back in return. Love is when you are willing to sacrifice your time and just give all your attention to it. And because I love, I am here, helping and leading a team of people for Deco for my unit. It's a great chance to learn, interact, self-test and even to experience something different. I have never tried to do something patiently with my hands because I find it irritating and that's why I am not a Art Student but I managed to trim myself to sit down with my people and crack our skulls together to create a "perfect" props.

In fact, I feel very honored to be given the chance to be overseeing the girls for the deco because I never expected it but still, I am very thankful that mostly coorperate with me. And though, right now, we are still not complete but we are just a few steps to our destination of completing all that requires to be done. I suppose and I believe that our props may not be great but will assist the drama to win and outshine the rest. We shall be the highlights for the Talent Night.

Since I can't help by contributing in the Choir due to an flu which came at the very damm wrong timing, which have badly affected my singing. And I am currently still deaf on my left, though it doesn't affect my daily life much but still, it bothers me alot. I am touched by all the love, care, concern, understanding given by my team these few days. As I was juggling my time, travelling around, going to the hospital and here and there, sometime would even be late to meet them, but still, they forgive me and help me to ensure the props are being done smoothly.

I am very proud of my team of people, though we have fun and sometime do delay abit of the time for the completion but still, when it's time to be serious about work, I am very glad that they all done a great job in helping me to finish all these props. It wasn't easy but with the perfect teamwork, understanding and not forgetting the prayers by our loved ones and dear brothers and sisters, we managed to cope through.

I am tired, still recovering from my flu and I hope to recover asap because I dun wanna to go camp with my nose like this. But still, because I love this unit of mine, this care group of mine, I wanna contribute something which is within my ability to do so, I wanna help Yoke Ling with something which I can, to help her share the workload and encouraging her.

Yoke Ling, dun thanks me, thank God for bringing me to you bah. You were there for me when I was down too, you didn't give up on me when I gave up on myself and you gave me lots of useful advices. To me, you are just like a great friend whom I know that you will always and forever stand by me, and running this race with me. You are a great nice, caring and kind girl, I am glad that God have bring you to His court to serve Him with His giftings to you. You are definitely a talented Artist to me. Be looking forward to more great remarkable workpiece from you. :)

Though this race may not be easy, I always like to tell myself and my loved ones that God will make a way when there seems to be no way. True enough, just when I thought that Joyce and I will never be talking, in a same lift and kind of on good terms, God shows me that it is possible and it happen on 22nd of March.

I took the same lift with her, she indirectly speaks to me in the lift (dun wanna explain in details cause it's quite silly) and kind of keep thanking each other. I realize she wasn't as bad as what I thought and indeed, I admit that I am slowly accepting her, changing my views of her and knowing that she is a leader who is worth me learning from. She is quite a remarkable person in Youth Ministry, I heard about her excellent leadership reputations and I have witness them myself. Of course, I do hope that through Hong Koon, Joyce and I will be on good terms instead of the awkward terms in the past.

And of course, for a few stuff with regards to my personal life. I have no more wish to clarify anything which I think there's no point doing so. Therefore, whatever those rumors says or slanderers who like to go around to slander about me, I dun wanna care anymore because I know that God knows the truth and one day, He will return justice to me because He loves me. For better or worse, I know that for sure, no matter what happens in my life, God will be with me always because He loves me...

I am pissed and tired...

2008-03-26T00:55:00.000+08:00

Why is it that 2 Human Beings can really find it hard to communicate with each other at times? And mostly when we are trying to clarify something, the more we try to clarify, things will get worsen at alot of times. I dun understand why is it so hard to communicate with each other or to even understand each other heart to heart and not judging by anger or what you simply think at that very moment.

Had a long day today, were late due to some stuff in Hospital, my ex, Cassie is still in coma, condition, not much improvements but I believe she will wake up soon...

Reached Bras Basah late because of the delay, the Mac which I went with Denise to had a great talk about my relationships. I still rmb every single details of that day. =)

Everything was still okay and the most memorable was when I was stuck in City Hall with my girls, not knowing whether to go AMK or to go C.W but end up, we still went C.W to Stephen's house. Wow, he stay next to my God-Daddy's house, which is juxt next blk, not unit... We spent 3 hours plus to finish a Cross which we are rather proud of... And for the left over props, we have to do our very best and I believe with the team, I am able to finish everything by deadline...

DI mux outshine all the other units, we must win and definitely we will... With all the preparations that have made, all the hard work, and prayers, I believe we will have rather flying colors results... Results is not important but what matters most is the process, the bondings we have with each other, the teamwork and the lessons learnt... Therefore, I just wanna say, I treasure this very 1st assignment since I join DI, to take charge of the Deco with Stephen, I feel proud of this whole team and especially the Cross. Though the journey and process of completing it wasn't really easy but thank God, we managed to pull through with all the teasings, laughter and playing...

I learnt alot through this whole assignment, though now is only half complete and another half must die die complete by tomorrow, I believe by God's grace, I shall be able to finish all of them with my great team... And let's hope the process will be smoother and we will produce remarkable props for the drama team and with every single one who play a part in this whole performances, we shall outshine the rest.

And just to clarify something, because the time left for the finishing of props is just 1 day, I have decided to just invite a few Sisters to my house to complete the leftover undone props. If you are not chosen or invited, please do not feel that we are kicking you aside or etc. My house is not a big one, and in fact, we will be doing the stuff inside my room. Because right now, I shifted a 1-seat sofa into my room, thus, I can't afford to have too many people in my room. Beside, from what I can observe today, it's not really conducive with too many people working on 1 stuff at the same time.

I know everyone want to do a part for the props, but from what I can observe today, I know who are the ones who really contribute and who are the ones who just kind of being forced. I made myself clear during the meeting that I dun and won't force people to attend if they dun intend to, all they need, is just to inform me. I won't mention names but I see the effort which we all really put in, in completing the Cross. I am proud, very, to say that I play a part in completing this. I will reflect on my part, on whether I have been leading this team well or what are the areas which I need to grow in. I know I was late and this isn't something good but I sincerly apologize and it won't repeat again because in fact, I hate to be late.

And of course, I welcome all suggestions, feedbacks and etc. It's my 1st time leading a team in dis church, it's a good experiences and I learnt alot. I know I still have alot of areas to breakthrough and grow in, I will do my best of course, to soar the very best and with God, I know it's possible.

What am I suppose to do to help dis sleeping beauty?

2008-03-25T07:55:00.000+08:00

I realize it's always too late to wake up and know that you have done something wrong or you have passed by something which may results you to regret for the rest of your life... And this is something which have recently happen to me...

I had an ex, by the name of Cassie (short) and I knew her when I was 16 on a Christmas night at Boat Quay together with a group of secondary school friends and even when I am with another ex by the name of Jacelyn. She used to be a girl full of joy and despite the fact that her life was in a mess at that time, she is always full of joy, courage and will inspire me to move on even when I was feeling down. She is always there for me, when I am troubled and tired but never once am I there when she needed me.

Even after we got together, I failed her times again and have only disappoint and hurt her but she will always forgive me and continue to stay by my side to love me. Maybe in alot of people's eyes, she is just a girl who work in those indecent places thus, that makes her indecent too but I have never thought of her like this before. To me, she is no difference with other girls, and I knew that she is someone who love herself and will protect herself. Though I always got sensitive about her job, I knew that eventually, I still have to accept her and everything about her including her job.

She did all that she can to compromise as according to my wish, force herself to go places with me which I knew she dun like, watch movies with me which she dun understand, listen to music which make her doze off yet she still accompany me through all these because she wanna spend time with me. When I am sick, injured, she will always be there by my side to take care of me, endure with all my bad tantrums and no matter how badly or harsh I treated her, nothing could stop her from coming near to me.

We broke up because I went into another relationship with someone else whom I dun wanna mention, and I am the one at fault. Even so, throughout these recent years and months, she have never leave my side for far and will always be at nearby. She know every move of mine and even my recent relationship details which I dun understand why and how she knew. And just on 22nd of March, I eventually lead her to suicide and I really didn't know what have happened to her till I met her sister at hospital.

She was wheel chair bounded due to an accident, she gave up on her life and only hope is that I would return to her, to be there for her, to encourage her, support her and be with her. I didn't know all these, and now she is in coma due to excessive dosage of sleeping pills mixed with drugs and alcohol. What am I suppose to do? It breaks my heart to see her lying there, someone who used to be full of joy, always jumping and dancing around is now lying on the bed motionless... Doctor is unable to conclude whether she is fine or not unless she get out of this coma...

Haix... It seems like and will be a long process to her full recovery, and I really wonder how am I suppose to help her through if she refuse to get herself out of this coma... It has been the 4th day since she got hospitalized and got into coma... I am going tired and weary despite it's only 4 days... My eye bags are getting heavier and worsen alot daily... My flu awhile got better and awhile torture me like mad and I seriously wish to recover asap...

One thing for sure, one day she do not recover, I will not be able to laugh with joy and be at ease... I am responsible for her though I have never thought that she would be so silly to just commit suicide just because I gave her cold shoulder, be harsh to her or keep rejecting her for her request to return to my side... Like what Hong Koon said, it's not worth... Whether is it worth doing so for the sake of me or etc, she is too foolish le...

I dun deny that I still remember those times I had with her, but it's all past and now, my focus is just on my CG, Unit, School, Bands, Choir, Family, Health, Friends (Close), God and of course, to be honest, the girl whom I still can't withdraw out of my heart. Whether it is in whatever form of relations, one thing that nobody can deny is that we are all God's creations and in one family of Christ. As for my relations with Cassie, whatever it will be, I just want her to get out of this coma soon, the rest, we shall just talk after she recover...

This is a life, I have witness how brittle life was, and I know how precious 1 life is to God, I dun wish to just give up on a life like this. And that's why I find myself damm stupid beyond words description to slid my wrist over a "Btihc" who toyed with my feelings, deceive me with her tears and promises. And it's because of her, I become damm sensitive and indirectly hurt a little girl who just want a shoulder to rest on, a arms to be in when she's hurt and someone to be there for her when she needs...

If only time would be turn back, would everything still be at this state for me?

Despite all these misfortunates, I am still glad to be in this CG of mine. Though earlier, I was having some minor misunderstandings, but like what Xiu Zhen said, it takes 2 hands to clap, maybe I should also reflect on myself. Whatever it is, it's all past and I believe through this coming camp, the bondings me and my CG will definitely get closer. And I just wanna affirm my shepherd, no matter how close I am to my spiritual bud, no matter what had happened or may happen, you will always be my shepherd and someone whom I will always treasure in my life. Dun misunderstand when I turn to Leanne, it's different, she is more than a leader to me, but a friend whom I can rest on, and is just a very close friend who is close to my heart and so close till I will always affirm of the promise I had with her, our shared vision.

You and this CG will always be in my heart, and be the one of the most important factors in my life which keeps me going when I am weary and tired. CG is my refuge other than church because I know that whatever that will happen or I may have done wrong in some areas, my CG will always be there for me... And for this, I really appreciate everyone of those who are inside my CG... Whether it is you, my current shepherd who will always protect me and comfort me when I am hurt... Yoke Ling (Lao Ma) whom will give me advices when I am lost, support me when I am discouraged... Hui Yin whom brought me to this CG... Jol whom will always bicker with me, whom I will like to tickle and whom will never fails to bring a smile to my face... Xiu Zhen whom I will always respect, trust and learn from... Even those whom I didn't mention here, all of your are precious to me and this is what I wanna affirm each of you...

It's a long way since my new beginning of new life...

2008-03-19T07:53:00.000+08:00

Isn't it a small world? Or too dramatic? We got baptized on the same day, same venue BUT not same time... But still, I am rather glad for her that she would still get baptized despite the fact that if her paretns were to know, she gonna face persecutions... Until now, I still can't forget how that moment feels when I was being baptized... It was drizzling quite heavily too, the water cold and my heart was racing inside...

Upon reaching the pool, I was wondering where is Leanne because I believe she must have been involved too and I hope that she would withness my baptism too. Just then, she appear in front of me, inside the pool with the Label same as my grouping... I was like kind of fainting... I was very nervous, and I believe it was due to the nearing of my new start... I went down the pool, approach Leanne with her arm stretching towards me...

She smile at me, and that warm up my heart... I was asked the 3 important questions, then Leanne prayed for me... Her voice was surrounding my head, I could hear her really loudly and clearly (nt because she is just praying beside me, by my ears)... I was touched by her prayers... And here it is, the important moment, I went down the icy cold water and came up with a brand new start... The first person I saw upon opening my eyes was Leanne, she was smiling to me and she said "Congrats" to me...

On this day itself, I met a great friend and this person is in turn my spiritual bud now, Li Ping... God really works on us in such special way till we both really just can't help but being amazed by the amount of similarities in us... No worries, Li Ping is one of the greatest blessings in my life, no matter what, I believe we will stand strong to each other and help each other overcome whatever that is obstructing our own spiritual growth... We made a promise to soar together up high in God's will and I shall not forget it...

Coming up, hmmm... finally made a very "brave?" decision, meet up with Leanne on 13th of March... Suppose to watch "Step Up 2" but we ended up talking about some problems... Li Ping started first and I shall not share what she said due to it's her personal matters... Then Leanne speak to me privately after she left... Woo! My heart really thumpt out man! That's the most heart racing dinner which I ever have in my life... We ordered the same thing, just that the beverage was different? Hers is Hot Milk Tea while mine is Ice Lemon Tea...

That was definitely a memorable night, it's my first time seeing her with such casual clothings, sweet pink top elbow length and a black shorts with black heels... Hmmm... Of course, I am still wondering when would we be able to watch my movie, "Step Up 2" but I believe soon... I believe she have been quite busy cause I could always see her stoning here and there which is when she is either thinking about something or she is resting... Such a wonderful person... And I am really glad, thankful that she is here in my life...

Hmmm... And now, it's time to share a very frightening and memorable moment in my life... I was lost in a industrial park which I have never been to in my entire whole life... And it was during 14th of March, just a day of my most beautiful day in my life... I was suppose to go Jacob's Place and I am lost somehow... As for the details, I won't mention because it's kind of stumbling... But I really wanna thank God for Abigail, without her appearing at that crucial moment, I am sure I won't make it there to Jacob's Place...

Leanne came late and was chosen to be the one to play the wacko game... Haha... It's really very amusing to watch her play, she kept screaming and of course, I was very emotionally affected by the incident before I reach... But upon seeing her, I just can't help smiling... And after the game, we have our own fellowship... I went to rest on the mattress with Li Ping and Hong Koon, came to talk to us, play with us and of course not forgetting with Felicia too...

My CG was sitting on the Sofa whole night through... They were having fun chatting away... Leanne sat beside Xiu Zhen that night.. Though they were chatting, but could see her stoning here and there... Lols... Just then, James asks us to go to the front to watch sum DVDs... As the show, was really not my type, we switch and watch "House of Wax"... I sat just next to the sofa and was leaning against it while Leanne is just sitting behind my back...

She asked me what show we were watching and knowing she is afraid of watching horror or scary movie, I told her, it's better for her not to watch or she will be scared... But surprisingly, she watched before... I passed her the cushion which I was hugging because I think she would want something to hug and true enough, she hug the cushion... She was awhile chatting and awhile watching and awhile stoning...

That night was made memorable because of her... And of course, I will forgive whatever that is wrong that night but seriously, I have yet get over this incident and I really need time... But still, I am right now rather busy with alot of stuff so please understand if I get abit moody or impatient... I will control myself for the time being... And not forgetting to surrender all to God and let Him take charge of my life... Hopefully through this entry, all will know what happen to me...

Music or God?

2008-02-28T16:16:00.000+08:00

I have no idea if Music or God is more important to me rite now? I can't afford to sacrifice Music or God but right now, seems like Music is taking up more time in my life than for God... Music and God, both are taking up alot of my life rite now...

Slowly, I am getting used to life without someone... I didn't expect myself to be so emotionally independent without that person in my life... I believe God must be working in my life le... However, that doesn't mean I have forgotten anyone from my life...

My baby nephew is going to be born into this world soon! I dun know whether I am suppose to excited or what... But nevertheless I am looking forward to meeting my nephew... Lols...

Dun quite know what am I suppose to say... "Happy Birthday, Nyssa!"

I am sorry...

2008-02-26T15:46:00.000+08:00

I have decided to forgive someone whom I have took a long time to understand and even to put myself in her shoes... Not wanting to mention about that incident anymore since it's already past... Just to clarify once again, Jing Er is just a normal friend to me, nothing more than that.

Arete Camp is coming but I am sorry, I am not going because I will be leaving Singapore on 23rd of Singapore. I will be flying to Beijing for a Musical Exchange Competition. Thus, my apologize, I won't be going for the camp although I really wanted to go. But no worries, I won't forget to grow in Christ even when I am over there...

Finally... Bt I am still bursting...

2008-02-20T07:41:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I believe I went through really thrilling roller coaster ride in my heart... First, was when I know I will be meeting Xiu Zhen and Jasmine later at night... Which turns out to just be having supper together and also some chatting... Nothing more than that... And of course before I went to meet them, another thing happen. I received a call unexpectedly from someone and I really thought I was dreaming... But soon, I know I am not because I saw her right in front of me at my door and inside my room. Hmmm, it was really something out of my expectations, especially when I was doing my stuff and suddenly this strange unknown call come appearing on my phone screen.

We did some usual stuff and of course she was not well, thus, this is also one of my worries now. I dun know why but each time she is unwell, Woot, my heart will go crazy and I will have endless worries and sleepless nights le. LOLs. Alright, better stop here because this is nothing more which I can or wanna say le.

Bursting? Hmmm, yup, I am still bursting and in fact, worsening. However, I dun intend to say the reasons here because I just want to keep it to myself and other than to Jasmine and to another girl whom I can't mention her name, to protect her identity. Dun worry about me, for those who are preparing to get their phones to call/sms me, I won't answer or reply, so dun waste your bill... I am still intact and fine... I believe God will bless me through because He have blessed me with alot of great people like Jasmine and CG, Leanne, DI unit, Priscillia and many more...

I will still be alive... And I will pull myself through all these... I will rise and I will soar up high with God because I have Him with me...

I dun wanna talk about the past anymore... Please spare me...

2008-02-17T13:42:00.000+08:00

It has been a long time since I last updated my blog... Have really gone through alot... It has been a very tiring period for me... CNY, has been quite a irritating one but rather peaceful one. I had alot of breakthrough... First, I finally visited my Dad's side de relatives after 2 years and I managed to speak to them for the very first time since my Dad's death... Yes, I hated them and I will always be like a mute even when I was still visiting them... This time round was really different... Everyone treat me like Alien and especially, my twins cause she is giving birth real soon... Everyone changed...

And what really worries me is my Grandpa's health. I dun know how to describe his condition but right now, he is one of my great worries... There's nothing I can do for him but pray for his recovery... Next, I made my very first attempt in wearing skinnys... All along, I hate to wear tight fitting stuff, and asking me to wear such thing, to me, it's disgusting but I wore it... On my CNY's service... Received quite a handful of good comments... Seems like I must really wear more skinnys le...

Haix... But at same time, I am really stressed up... And I believe that God is really speaking to me through Pastor Jeff... Yesterday's sermon was "Handling Stressful Times" and I was really touched...

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD wil renew their strength. They will sor on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:29-31

These verses really touched my soul... Yes, I should trust in God and rest on Him. With faith in God, I will soar like eagles, finish running the race strongly with my Unit, CG and this church.

Back to yesterday's stuff. It was really a day full of tests. I had 4 visitors and I really couldn't handle them all by myself. The 2 guys-Chu Jie and Kim Leng reached Somerset at near to 2.45pm, I went to meet them first then got James to come over to assist me. Before there during Shepherding, I really had a great disturbance and my mood went through ups and downs... First, Joline called me and told me that Jing Er is feeling sad over why didn't I sms or call her for so long... I was reluctant to call her but was being forced to do so. I called her and she is okay, and as she was alone at home, I asked her out and invite her to join me at service.

Soon, I received a call from a girl whom I later realized is Joyce (Nicole's friend) and she told me that Jing Er is cutting herself and drinking beer. Both Jasmine and I was stunned and lost. Just as I was really feeling quite fed up, I have to stressed over how to handle that 2 guys. And when I am about to go crazy, Xiu Zhen advised to hand the guys over to James and I did so. Joyce called me then and told me that they will still be coming to Church.

As the guys reached first, I went to meet up with them and I brought them to Plaza Singapura with Jasmine and Yoke Ling... They were really a headache and I had a hard time babysitting them... After James reached, we rushed back to Centrepoint. And as my girls reached le, I have no spare time to stroll with the guys, and asked James to help take care of them... After meeting up with my girls, I brought them to meet up with Jasmine and Yoke Ling.

Jing Er drove me mad when I realized she is all along sniffing glue from her house till there, I smashed her can and I nearly slapped her for that. I am angry but simply because I dun like people who abuse themselves and do such foolish thing when she is only 16 this year. She did something out of my expectations, hugged me outside the OG next to Centrepoint and I was feeling really awkward about it... Jasmine and Yoke Ling saw and they were observing all along...

During service, James sat with my guys pretty behind from me... While I sat with my girls... They were very tired and especially for Jing Er, she seems to have wander off to an alien land... She was always at daze... And this worries me because I dun know what is wrong with her... And after everything ended, we went to Cineleisure to have our dinner... They both sat another table... I spoke to Xiu Zhen and she said alot of encouraging and supportive things to me, I am really glad that she have high hopes on me and I am capable of achieving something in her eyes... Thank God for her...

After that short conversation with her, I went off with my girls and while on train, Jing Er did something really crazy... She just suddenly asked me if she can hugged me and before I can respond, she pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly... I couldn't struggle out because I dun know the way out... And with people staring at us, she continue to hug me when I am feeling damm awkward... I wanted to use all my strength to struggle out but as she was like going to cry, thus, I just let her to rest on me...

Whew... Seriously, I really hope she dun like me because she is just a sister to me... "Jasmine, Priscillia, Rebecca, Lao Ma, Xiu Zhen and u, dun worry, I will keep a distance away from her and I won't give her false hopes or do anything that will let her get the wrong idea." I am serious in being faithful and I won't do anything wrong with her...

Something which is bothering me right now is... Talking things out face-to-face in front of my leaders and her shepherd, Joyce... Haix... "Joyce" this name has really been playing quite a marvellous role in my life man... I dun wish to talk about that silly relationship anymore... I really dun wish... I dun wish her to lose anything, especially the trust of her dearest shepherd when I know that her shepherd matters alot to her... I have done enough damage to her life, I dun wish to give her any more problems... Just let everything ends here, can we?

The fact that I dun wish to mention is also because I have nothing much to say about it anymore... No matter is what have gone wrong, it takes 2 hands to clap... I know my mistakes and I believe deep inside her heart, she do feel bad about her own mistakes... But can we just stop discussing about it? I just want to focus on nothing but my spiritual growth, I want to rise up as leader, my studies and my band... Nothing else... Dun wanna talk about anything or anyone else...

You were my everything...

2008-02-05T14:12:00.000+08:00

Haix... I used to be a silly fool who foolishly thought that Love is the greatest needs in my life, and because of such thought, I led a extreme destructive life... Romance used to plays a great role, I have no idea whether it is due to my own stupid thoughts of because of peer pressure, I couldn't stand myself being single for more than 2 months... And thus, I got myself into alot of meaningless relationship and which time, I am the one who start it and end it too... I have never realized I hurt them before, not even once, until someone came into my life...

And it is also through this person, I start coming to Church and of course found my faith... Everything seems like a dream... After coming to Hope Church Singapore, then I realize Romance Love is not going to last but True Love is going to last forever... Romantic, this has always been one of the verb being used on me to describe me by my friends, but never once have I ever found myself romantic... In fact, I believe I will hate myself if I am really romantic...

It is really foolish to think that the person whom you think now is your true love is going to love you forever... Even me, 18 right now, going to 19 years old in a few months, but I am really still young although I really fear to move on to 20... I dun like people to think that I am experienced when they know how many relationships I have been in, yes, I have been in 23 relationships but I have only loved 4 times inclusive of the recent one....

Please dun condemn me with my past mistakes... I hate it alot... I dun like how it feels at all, I have start my life anew, I am born once again in a new family of Christ with a new life... I really wish to start my new anew... I dun care how the Satanic Force keep come tempting me to go astray from God... I dun want to go astray... I wanna soar with God! I wanna rise up to God's hands! I wanna raise the banner high and say that I belong to God! I wanna go to the ends of Earth to serve God! I wanna run strong and remain faithful with my CG, Unit and Church! I wanna defeat all Satanic Temptations!

Whoever out there is curious about my past, ask me straight and I will tell you whatever that you wanna know about my past... I am willing and brave enough to face my past mistakes because I know I have God's strength and I know I have done wrong... I have repented and I have God's grace... I won't take His grace for granted because I love Him... I am happy to be in this family of Christ... I will treasure all my ties with my CG and of course with all brothers and sisters...

No one and nothing on Earth can replace my focus on God... I dun wanna love anyone else but God... I dun wanna allow myself to be carried away by that short and fragile romance... I dun wanna be distracted again... I dun wanna lose any chances to get a step closer to God... I dun wanna sing any love songs to anyone on Earth, but I wanna sing all love songs to God... I dun wanna be ordered around by anyone but by God alone... I dun wanna be a puppet or slave of Romance but of God... I belong to no one else but God...

I own no one and no one own me, because I belong to God alone... No one shall replace God's place in my heart... No one shall pull me away from God... No one and nothing can part me and God... I am not going to leave God at any costs or means... I am willing to die for God, willing to lose everything and everyone for God... With God, I dun need anything and anyone to complete me because I am complete in Christ...

Woa~ CNY is coming!!!

2008-02-04T08:04:00.000+08:00

Woa! I am feeling rather excited, happy, fruitful yet quite tired and lost too... Of cux, I guess the greatest thing that have been happening in my life is the fact tt I have grow!!! To be honest, I really didn't notice my growth bcux I have been paying too much attention on alot of stuff that is surrounding me lyk there's no tomorrow... Spiritually, I guess I can taste and feel the fruits of being spiritually active, curious and excited about God...

Each tym when Saturday is cuming, I will be extreme excited because I am curious about what is going to be taught during Sermon, what praise and worship songs are we going to sing, am I going to feel the hug from God again and I want to do nothing but praise and worship Him... He has seriously and definitely become the most important factor of my life... He is my Lover, my Daddy and my Best Friend of all... He understand me, loves me, protect me, guide me, and has always been there with me...

Saturday had X2 meeting... Hmmm... "How to maintain a spiritually rewarding year?"

2 questions that Leanne mention before going into the topic which I think is really interesting and I believe most people will never ask themselves these...

-Is money determining your status or God is determining your status?
-Why do we do the things we do?

1) Recognize the voice of Doubt
My thoughts of this are actually quite simple. I admit I do have doubts on God, wondering if He really like what the Bible or sermon says, wondering if He really love me and of course, when will He come again?

Like Leanne said, when we doubt God, we are shutting our heart from God... Doubts may not be evil but may draw us away from God. His words should be the foundation and manual of our life. Dun blame God when bad things happen, repent and move on, that's how maturity grow. I believe this sentence really should be told to a specific person which I dun wish to mention name...

We should always read God's words daily, no matter busy or not, tired or not, happy or not, it is through God's words then we find our meaning of life, and how to move on with our life when bad things happen, and when good things happen, we will learn how to handle our joy and not allowing ourselves to be carried far too away with them...

2) Recognize a life is define by what others think of us.

Instead of saying "I can't," say "I am willing to try," how often would we face situation whereby we think that we can't do what have been expected from us or what we have been told to do? Nearly daily right? Personally for me, there are more times whereby I will give up by thinking that I can't than thinking that I am willing to try because I am always stumbled by the circumstances that is happening...

And of course, maybe I am foolish, I will take in bad comments than taking in good comments... Especially from a specific person, perhaps she is condemning me with my past mistakes, instead of helping me to move on, she persecute me with my past... Of course, I foolishly allow myself to be persecute by my past mistakes by her, because I trust her more than I trust myself or anyone else around me...

I guess it's really time for me to let go of my past, it's time for me to move on in order to grow up spiritually instead of growing old... I dun want to grow OLD but I want to grow up! I dun want to think about my past anymore, I dun want to repeat those bad memories and especially my mistakes... I do know my mistakes, I confessed them to God and that specific person, God forgiven me and accepted me, but how about that person? She dun like people to talk about the past but yet she like to remind me of my past mistakes and condemn me with them...

3) Recognize running on empty
Once we lose the passion for God, it's hard for us to move on. Feed our faith and starve our doubt. Perhaps at times, when we are being carried away by circumstances, we often forgot about our foundations and of course to build up and strengthen our foundations instead of replacing our foundation of God with Sins and Temptations...

Oftenly we are running on empty, not moving anywhere spiritually and yet we foolishly think we are, just because we are attending sermon, CG and prayer meeting... This is definitely a serious thing which we have to observe in our daily lives...

CNY...

This is my very first CNY as a Christian and I am definitely feeling very exciting about it... This year round, not only my family and friends, I have my CG, my Spiritual Family celebrating with me... Hmmm... I guess not only Leanne bah, I feel loved too, by my CG, my Shepherd and of course, the whole DI family... They are great to me, help me to adapt and of course, brought alot of joy into my life... Seriously, I have become a much happier person since coming over, though I have backslided from St. Andrew Cathedral, but that doesn't mean I backslided from God and of course, I have never forgotten any of the memories that I have with LYnC...

I know that wherever I am, whatever that happen to me, Denise, my dearest ex-cell leader and of course, the very 1st person who makes me feel that my presence on Earth is being treasured... She is just like a light which God have brought to me to guide me and lead me on... I was touched by what Denise said to me when I told her that I have decided to stay in Hope Church Singapore... She said, no matter what may happen, always remember that there is always a home, LYnC (Princess Warriors) will always be there for me...

I miss them dearly... Keep saying that I want to visit them but I keep missing the chances to do so... Perhaps, I should really work harder on planning of my time... I dun wish to neglect anyone and anything in my life... I know how it feels to be neglected or sacrificed in daily schedule, I dun want anyone to experience it... I believe I am able to do it... Because I am a proudly declared Child of God! With God, nothing is impossible! Amen!

my head...

2008-02-01T22:21:00.000+08:00

It has been long since I update my blog... Alot of things have been happening... But most importantly, my forehead injured... Due to an Car Accident... Nothing serious... However, it's through this matter, I know who care for me most and who are the ones who are just putting up mask to hide themselves from me...

Surprisingly, Leanne was the first person to react... And of course, I was glad to receive her phone call, quite surprising... But very touched also... Her voice kind of comfort me and ease the pain quite alot... And I felt rather better after hearing her voice and her concern... And not forgetting my shepherd too... She is worrying me... Keep viomitting... Dun know how am I suppose to help her also... Ask her to see doc but I am sure she is too lazy to do so... And worst thing is, I missed my Relationship Seminar... If not, I would have been able to see Leanne also because she went...

Hmmm... Somehow, Leanne has become my role model... I admire her for alot of areas but if I were to name them out specifically, I am sorry, I really dun know how to describe or explain... I just realize and hope to learn as much things as I can from her, and I know that she is definitely someone who will never forsake me, will forgive me, support and encourage me like my dear shepherd...

Sch wise, has been very tiring... Lectures, Studio has been my daily life conqueror... However, thank God for Xiu Zhen and Yoke Ling, they sort of understand my stress and will give me encouraging verse or their special form of encouragement... I am really very thankful to be in this CG... I appreciate all the concern, help and love from them... And of course, no matter what happen to me or my life, I know that God will make a way out of no way...

Hopefully, everything will get better... :)

NEW START/NEW LIFE/NEW ATTITUDE/NEW YEAR & NEW HEART

2008-01-22T16:04:00.000+08:00

Dun scold me for those who are going to... I just want to start everything anew... Not going to mention anything that has to do with Miss Heartless but I am going to mention all my experiences with God, growth in Christ, spiritual race progress and of course, if unfortunately, problems erupt, I will of course record them here too... Hmmm... This blog is going to be special ya, because I am not going to give anyone other than my CG and people who are special to me... Thus, anyone who is reading this, it means you are special to me... But of course, this is my secret hide-out where I will reveal my feelings, thoughts and some personal experiences, so if it's offensive in any manner, I apologize first...

Alright, let me just start this whole brand new blog by speaking about my new year resolutions... Hmmm... I have 10 before yesterday and why before yesterday, I will explain later...

1) Outreach to at least 10 people and bringing at least 3 people to Christ
2) Bring my Backslided Sheeps back to Christ
3) Serve God in Worship Ministry with my Vocals
4) Widen my knowledge in God's words and teaching
5) Widen my vocal range
6) To foster my bonds with CG & DI
7) To soar and excel in God's way
8) To surrender all to God
9) To put God as the centre in my life
10) Share Christ with my Family

Hmmm... Interesting especially for the vocal range because I have a strong burning passion in Vocal and currently studying about projecting Vocals in the right manner with the right organs...

As for my very new resolutions among my new year resolutions, woa, sound complicated isn't it? Hmmm... It is to cultivate the character of a Cactus and grow up strong and healthy with Christ... With God, I believe and know nothing is impossible... Although at this point of time, alot of problems are surrounding me, but I gotta open up my eyes of heart and let God guide me through and light up my life... God is all I ever want to be with, all I ever trust wholeheartedly because I know He will never forsake me, never lie to me, never hurt me, never betray me and never take me for granted...

Perhaps is because I have faced rather a handful of betrayals from my friends and even people whom I once loved, they betrayed my trust until now, I can't trust them despite I know the fact that I shouldn't condemn people down with the past if I dun wish to be condemn... Despite I said that I dun want to mention Miss Heartless, I guess I must really say that she have jolly well condemn me greatly with my past mistakes... I have done my best in proving to everyone that I have changed, I dun care how those ignorants ones using another kind of expressions to look at me, but I care about how she sees me... Of course, ultimately, I really only bother how God look at me because He doesn't look at my ugly appearance but my heart...

Not judging, but some people have very beautiful appearance but their heart is really ugly and these people are truly the ones whom I have been dealing with... Somehow, I am always being deceived by their appearance but now, after being badly deceived by someone who used to be the one whom I used to believe in alot because she is the one who got me to Church, gave me the determination, encouragement and support to come and stay in Faith, she helped me through during my very painful initial period in Christ because I was struggling with Family Persecutions... She stood by my side to see me throught...

Alright, enough, dun wanna talk about her anymore...

Hmmm... For this whole coming 4 weeks, DI and CG will be outreaching intensively and I will be busy with my Academic plus rehearsals... It has been a very tiring period for me but looks like everything will still be going for quite some time before it will comes to an end... I have no idea how much longer can I push myself through... I made a promise to Leanne that I will run and grow strong in Christ like a Cactus, I will definitely keep to this promise... Especially since, I have made her my role model, I want to learn and I definitely have alot to learn from her... She is definitely a leader whom I will forever look upon to...

As for me, no matter how busy I am with my Academic Commitments or Rehearsals, I will not forget to serve God and I will serve Him wherever I go by spreading His gospel to people around me and of course to be a Witness whom will glorify His name... I want to influence people around me and bring them to Faith... Though this race with Christ may be tough, obstacles, trials of faith is definitely going to pop out here and there, I won't allow myself to fall or stumble... And even when I fall, I will pick myself up with the deep faith I have for God and get braver and stronger after each fall... After each fall, I will definitely learn something precious and seen clearly the people around me... Especially their true colors...

After going through so much, I have truly seen through the people around me... I know who are the ones who truly care for me, the ones who will always be there to support and encourage me and of course, who are the ones who appears to be caring and sweet but when I fall, they will just turn their back against me... But when they have problems, they will come seeking for my help... I will continue to help them as much as I can, because serving people is definitely a enjoying activity and I hope that they will see how God have changes me and of course works in me...