I will learn to make decisions for myself...

Alot of stuff have really happened in my life recently... Had my first shepherding with H.L yesterday, it was really a very fruitful session. Leadership, I knew it was tough and challenging but never did I expect it to be so much deeper than what I thought. The qualities, characteristics which a leader should have, is indeed important, because it do affects the people whom the leader lead. I have gave myself a challenge, to be a leader like how Jesus whom minister to people, spreading the words of God and showing God's love through his actions.

Spiritual life, I have to be responsible for myself, no matter what kind of decisions I make, I will have to bear the consequences for myself. I have got alot of challenges recently, whether in spiritual life, family life or even my relationship.

Family life, I have actually thought of moving out but as I thought about it, it is really not as easy as what I thought. I have to thought of what will happen to my mum too, because I have to protect my mum from that jerk whom I really find it hard to love. However, it's a challenge to me, no matter how hard it is, I have to love the people around me. "Relationship is the basis for Discipleship," and when Jesus was with us 2000+ years ago, people failed him too but still he love the people.

No matter how bad he is, how much mistakes he have made, he is still a lost soul whom matters to God. Definitely, everyone will make mistakes, no one is perfect and I am not in the position to judge him either because ultimately only God have the rights to judge all of us. And no matter what he do, he will have to account to God for all that he have done in his life time.

Relationship, I am confused and stuck with the kind of decisions I should make. Knowing that letting go of the relationship, may be painful but perhaps she will be happier but still I find it hard because each time when I want to let go, something will definitely happen and it's something bad. Recently, I realized I am not as patient as before towards her, I could get angry over trivial matters, get abit impatient when she starts to drag abit or make me wait for some time. I have no idea why am I like this, but I know that absolutely, it is not because the love has faded away.

I am at the cross road, where I have to choose the kind of path I want to lead with her. The kind of vision I see, I guess is much clearer and I know what I want, inclusive the kind of situation we will be, 3 years or 5 years down the streets. We have very different kind of visions about life or even romance, preferences are like north and south pole. Music is my life while game is her life. After all these while, I guess she have showed me further where do I stand in her heart. I am hurt but I won't hide... I know that ultimately, I still have to decide for the kind of future we will both get involved in...

I am amazed by how I could touch someone's heart with this blog of mine...

"Felicia, I am really impressed by how much I could touch your heart with what I have written here. But I am still very thankful to God that He have brought us together in such miraculous way, I believe this is part of His plan for me to bring you back to Him through my story. Life is hard, and being at such young age when we are still exploring and we have to deal with alot of temptations, it is really not easy right? God, He understands what we are going through because Jesus came down to suffer all that we are suffering, bt He have gave up. I know that it's really tough for us to persists on at times, especially when dealing with letting go of memories and making the decision to let go of certain stuff, but it is possible for as long as you made the decision, God will help you through."

I am really amazed at how God has used me in bringing Felicia back, though the process took place at quite late, I am surprised that God has worked in our lives. My frienship level with Felicia is at quite a average stage, we don't hang out together or know each other well to the extend whereby we will talk about anything under the stars. To me, she resembles another friend of mine, Joyce Tan who happens to be the shepherd of Wan Ting (someone who affected my life thoroughly). She is someone whom I think is rather loyal to friends, emotional and is definitely a great team player.

I felt abit confused when she said that my life story is quite similar to hers in some aspect, because all these while, I thought my life story is something which God has put lots of tests which I am really thankful that I have managed to pass through. I am not as strong as what anyone have thought, I am just being strengthen through God. If I am able to do things without God, I wouldn't be here on Earth. No matter how strong I am, I am simply nothing compared to dust when God is in place. I am God's creation, His proudest creation ever, my life wouldn't be made possible without his mercy and grace.

His love, touches my heart through an girl whom I thought I was being used, because of her, I know who is Jesus and God's presence in my life. Because of her, I was being given further strength to overcome my family's persecution and objections to cross the border to be in Christ. And as time goes by, his love has touches my heart and as I know and learnt more about him, I know that no one else in this world would love me to the extend of giving up his precious just to save an sinner who dun deserve it at all like me. He taught me who Satan is, and how scary and ugly sins could be, and how they could actually bring us apart from God and destroy us completely.

No matter is when I am studying, practicing my dance steps, vocals with my team mates, or even now that when I am dating in my relationship, when I had quarrles or even some emotional breakdowns, I am really glad that I have Him in my life. When I had quarrels with my partner, when I really realized that I can't communicate, I really realized without him, I really can't move on. All these things wouldn't be possible without him, and it is Him who will ultimately gives me strength when I am weak, courage when I am scared to move on, and the determination to persists on when I am on the verge of giving up.

And today I discover a new song, "Alive in You" by Hillsong, the music is great, especially the guitar introduction, as attractive as usual. What touches me is the lyrics, it's catchy and it is really a perfect combination with the music.

In Jesus, I am alive and being fresnen up to a new being of God's creation. With him, I am alive and no longer that dead zombie who is covered in sins and the price of blood on my hands. I guess, as my sins are being washed by His mercy and His power, I am really glad to have a new start and to have a clear cut to my past. On 2nd of March, a person came into my life and this person clean me thoroughly, he brought me out from the grave of dirty sins and give me a clean new chance to have a new life, and this is GOD!

I have never regret coming into Christ, my only regret is that I didn't get to know Him early. I will never say that I am tired of God or I learnt too much of His words. I want to know Him more, I want to be with Him till eternally and I just want His love to be over with me always.