Music or God?

I have no idea if Music or God is more important to me rite now? I can't afford to sacrifice Music or God but right now, seems like Music is taking up more time in my life than for God... Music and God, both are taking up alot of my life rite now...

Slowly, I am getting used to life without someone... I didn't expect myself to be so emotionally independent without that person in my life... I believe God must be working in my life le... However, that doesn't mean I have forgotten anyone from my life...

My baby nephew is going to be born into this world soon! I dun know whether I am suppose to excited or what... But nevertheless I am looking forward to meeting my nephew... Lols...

Dun quite know what am I suppose to say... "Happy Birthday, Nyssa!"

I am sorry...

I have decided to forgive someone whom I have took a long time to understand and even to put myself in her shoes... Not wanting to mention about that incident anymore since it's already past... Just to clarify once again, Jing Er is just a normal friend to me, nothing more than that.

Arete Camp is coming but I am sorry, I am not going because I will be leaving Singapore on 23rd of Singapore. I will be flying to Beijing for a Musical Exchange Competition. Thus, my apologize, I won't be going for the camp although I really wanted to go. But no worries, I won't forget to grow in Christ even when I am over there...

Finally... Bt I am still bursting...

Yesterday I believe I went through really thrilling roller coaster ride in my heart... First, was when I know I will be meeting Xiu Zhen and Jasmine later at night... Which turns out to just be having supper together and also some chatting... Nothing more than that... And of course before I went to meet them, another thing happen. I received a call unexpectedly from someone and I really thought I was dreaming... But soon, I know I am not because I saw her right in front of me at my door and inside my room. Hmmm, it was really something out of my expectations, especially when I was doing my stuff and suddenly this strange unknown call come appearing on my phone screen.

We did some usual stuff and of course she was not well, thus, this is also one of my worries now. I dun know why but each time she is unwell, Woot, my heart will go crazy and I will have endless worries and sleepless nights le. LOLs. Alright, better stop here because this is nothing more which I can or wanna say le.

Bursting? Hmmm, yup, I am still bursting and in fact, worsening. However, I dun intend to say the reasons here because I just want to keep it to myself and other than to Jasmine and to another girl whom I can't mention her name, to protect her identity. Dun worry about me, for those who are preparing to get their phones to call/sms me, I won't answer or reply, so dun waste your bill... I am still intact and fine... I believe God will bless me through because He have blessed me with alot of great people like Jasmine and CG, Leanne, DI unit, Priscillia and many more...

I will still be alive... And I will pull myself through all these... I will rise and I will soar up high with God because I have Him with me...

I dun wanna talk about the past anymore... Please spare me...

It has been a long time since I last updated my blog... Have really gone through alot... It has been a very tiring period for me... CNY, has been quite a irritating one but rather peaceful one. I had alot of breakthrough... First, I finally visited my Dad's side de relatives after 2 years and I managed to speak to them for the very first time since my Dad's death... Yes, I hated them and I will always be like a mute even when I was still visiting them... This time round was really different... Everyone treat me like Alien and especially, my twins cause she is giving birth real soon... Everyone changed...

And what really worries me is my Grandpa's health. I dun know how to describe his condition but right now, he is one of my great worries... There's nothing I can do for him but pray for his recovery... Next, I made my very first attempt in wearing skinnys... All along, I hate to wear tight fitting stuff, and asking me to wear such thing, to me, it's disgusting but I wore it... On my CNY's service... Received quite a handful of good comments... Seems like I must really wear more skinnys le...

Haix... But at same time, I am really stressed up... And I believe that God is really speaking to me through Pastor Jeff... Yesterday's sermon was "Handling Stressful Times" and I was really touched...

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD wil renew their strength. They will sor on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:29-31

These verses really touched my soul... Yes, I should trust in God and rest on Him. With faith in God, I will soar like eagles, finish running the race strongly with my Unit, CG and this church.

Back to yesterday's stuff. It was really a day full of tests. I had 4 visitors and I really couldn't handle them all by myself. The 2 guys-Chu Jie and Kim Leng reached Somerset at near to 2.45pm, I went to meet them first then got James to come over to assist me. Before there during Shepherding, I really had a great disturbance and my mood went through ups and downs... First, Joline called me and told me that Jing Er is feeling sad over why didn't I sms or call her for so long... I was reluctant to call her but was being forced to do so. I called her and she is okay, and as she was alone at home, I asked her out and invite her to join me at service.

Soon, I received a call from a girl whom I later realized is Joyce (Nicole's friend) and she told me that Jing Er is cutting herself and drinking beer. Both Jasmine and I was stunned and lost. Just as I was really feeling quite fed up, I have to stressed over how to handle that 2 guys. And when I am about to go crazy, Xiu Zhen advised to hand the guys over to James and I did so. Joyce called me then and told me that they will still be coming to Church.

As the guys reached first, I went to meet up with them and I brought them to Plaza Singapura with Jasmine and Yoke Ling... They were really a headache and I had a hard time babysitting them... After James reached, we rushed back to Centrepoint. And as my girls reached le, I have no spare time to stroll with the guys, and asked James to help take care of them... After meeting up with my girls, I brought them to meet up with Jasmine and Yoke Ling.

Jing Er drove me mad when I realized she is all along sniffing glue from her house till there, I smashed her can and I nearly slapped her for that. I am angry but simply because I dun like people who abuse themselves and do such foolish thing when she is only 16 this year. She did something out of my expectations, hugged me outside the OG next to Centrepoint and I was feeling really awkward about it... Jasmine and Yoke Ling saw and they were observing all along...

During service, James sat with my guys pretty behind from me... While I sat with my girls... They were very tired and especially for Jing Er, she seems to have wander off to an alien land... She was always at daze... And this worries me because I dun know what is wrong with her... And after everything ended, we went to Cineleisure to have our dinner... They both sat another table... I spoke to Xiu Zhen and she said alot of encouraging and supportive things to me, I am really glad that she have high hopes on me and I am capable of achieving something in her eyes... Thank God for her...

After that short conversation with her, I went off with my girls and while on train, Jing Er did something really crazy... She just suddenly asked me if she can hugged me and before I can respond, she pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly... I couldn't struggle out because I dun know the way out... And with people staring at us, she continue to hug me when I am feeling damm awkward... I wanted to use all my strength to struggle out but as she was like going to cry, thus, I just let her to rest on me...

Whew... Seriously, I really hope she dun like me because she is just a sister to me... "Jasmine, Priscillia, Rebecca, Lao Ma, Xiu Zhen and u, dun worry, I will keep a distance away from her and I won't give her false hopes or do anything that will let her get the wrong idea." I am serious in being faithful and I won't do anything wrong with her...

Something which is bothering me right now is... Talking things out face-to-face in front of my leaders and her shepherd, Joyce... Haix... "Joyce" this name has really been playing quite a marvellous role in my life man... I dun wish to talk about that silly relationship anymore... I really dun wish... I dun wish her to lose anything, especially the trust of her dearest shepherd when I know that her shepherd matters alot to her... I have done enough damage to her life, I dun wish to give her any more problems... Just let everything ends here, can we?

The fact that I dun wish to mention is also because I have nothing much to say about it anymore... No matter is what have gone wrong, it takes 2 hands to clap... I know my mistakes and I believe deep inside her heart, she do feel bad about her own mistakes... But can we just stop discussing about it? I just want to focus on nothing but my spiritual growth, I want to rise up as leader, my studies and my band... Nothing else... Dun wanna talk about anything or anyone else...

You were my everything...

Haix... I used to be a silly fool who foolishly thought that Love is the greatest needs in my life, and because of such thought, I led a extreme destructive life... Romance used to plays a great role, I have no idea whether it is due to my own stupid thoughts of because of peer pressure, I couldn't stand myself being single for more than 2 months... And thus, I got myself into alot of meaningless relationship and which time, I am the one who start it and end it too... I have never realized I hurt them before, not even once, until someone came into my life...

And it is also through this person, I start coming to Church and of course found my faith... Everything seems like a dream... After coming to Hope Church Singapore, then I realize Romance Love is not going to last but True Love is going to last forever... Romantic, this has always been one of the verb being used on me to describe me by my friends, but never once have I ever found myself romantic... In fact, I believe I will hate myself if I am really romantic...

It is really foolish to think that the person whom you think now is your true love is going to love you forever... Even me, 18 right now, going to 19 years old in a few months, but I am really still young although I really fear to move on to 20... I dun like people to think that I am experienced when they know how many relationships I have been in, yes, I have been in 23 relationships but I have only loved 4 times inclusive of the recent one....

Please dun condemn me with my past mistakes... I hate it alot... I dun like how it feels at all, I have start my life anew, I am born once again in a new family of Christ with a new life... I really wish to start my new anew... I dun care how the Satanic Force keep come tempting me to go astray from God... I dun want to go astray... I wanna soar with God! I wanna rise up to God's hands! I wanna raise the banner high and say that I belong to God! I wanna go to the ends of Earth to serve God! I wanna run strong and remain faithful with my CG, Unit and Church! I wanna defeat all Satanic Temptations!

Whoever out there is curious about my past, ask me straight and I will tell you whatever that you wanna know about my past... I am willing and brave enough to face my past mistakes because I know I have God's strength and I know I have done wrong... I have repented and I have God's grace... I won't take His grace for granted because I love Him... I am happy to be in this family of Christ... I will treasure all my ties with my CG and of course with all brothers and sisters...

No one and nothing on Earth can replace my focus on God... I dun wanna love anyone else but God... I dun wanna allow myself to be carried away by that short and fragile romance... I dun wanna be distracted again... I dun wanna lose any chances to get a step closer to God... I dun wanna sing any love songs to anyone on Earth, but I wanna sing all love songs to God... I dun wanna be ordered around by anyone but by God alone... I dun wanna be a puppet or slave of Romance but of God... I belong to no one else but God...

I own no one and no one own me, because I belong to God alone... No one shall replace God's place in my heart... No one shall pull me away from God... No one and nothing can part me and God... I am not going to leave God at any costs or means... I am willing to die for God, willing to lose everything and everyone for God... With God, I dun need anything and anyone to complete me because I am complete in Christ...

Woa~ CNY is coming!!!

Woa! I am feeling rather excited, happy, fruitful yet quite tired and lost too... Of cux, I guess the greatest thing that have been happening in my life is the fact tt I have grow!!! To be honest, I really didn't notice my growth bcux I have been paying too much attention on alot of stuff that is surrounding me lyk there's no tomorrow... Spiritually, I guess I can taste and feel the fruits of being spiritually active, curious and excited about God...

Each tym when Saturday is cuming, I will be extreme excited because I am curious about what is going to be taught during Sermon, what praise and worship songs are we going to sing, am I going to feel the hug from God again and I want to do nothing but praise and worship Him... He has seriously and definitely become the most important factor of my life... He is my Lover, my Daddy and my Best Friend of all... He understand me, loves me, protect me, guide me, and has always been there with me...

Saturday had X2 meeting... Hmmm... "How to maintain a spiritually rewarding year?"

2 questions that Leanne mention before going into the topic which I think is really interesting and I believe most people will never ask themselves these...

-Is money determining your status or God is determining your status?
-Why do we do the things we do?

1) Recognize the voice of Doubt
My thoughts of this are actually quite simple. I admit I do have doubts on God, wondering if He really like what the Bible or sermon says, wondering if He really love me and of course, when will He come again?

Like Leanne said, when we doubt God, we are shutting our heart from God... Doubts may not be evil but may draw us away from God. His words should be the foundation and manual of our life. Dun blame God when bad things happen, repent and move on, that's how maturity grow. I believe this sentence really should be told to a specific person which I dun wish to mention name...

We should always read God's words daily, no matter busy or not, tired or not, happy or not, it is through God's words then we find our meaning of life, and how to move on with our life when bad things happen, and when good things happen, we will learn how to handle our joy and not allowing ourselves to be carried far too away with them...

2) Recognize a life is define by what others think of us.

Instead of saying "I can't," say "I am willing to try," how often would we face situation whereby we think that we can't do what have been expected from us or what we have been told to do? Nearly daily right? Personally for me, there are more times whereby I will give up by thinking that I can't than thinking that I am willing to try because I am always stumbled by the circumstances that is happening...

And of course, maybe I am foolish, I will take in bad comments than taking in good comments... Especially from a specific person, perhaps she is condemning me with my past mistakes, instead of helping me to move on, she persecute me with my past... Of course, I foolishly allow myself to be persecute by my past mistakes by her, because I trust her more than I trust myself or anyone else around me...

I guess it's really time for me to let go of my past, it's time for me to move on in order to grow up spiritually instead of growing old... I dun want to grow OLD but I want to grow up! I dun want to think about my past anymore, I dun want to repeat those bad memories and especially my mistakes... I do know my mistakes, I confessed them to God and that specific person, God forgiven me and accepted me, but how about that person? She dun like people to talk about the past but yet she like to remind me of my past mistakes and condemn me with them...

3) Recognize running on empty
Once we lose the passion for God, it's hard for us to move on. Feed our faith and starve our doubt. Perhaps at times, when we are being carried away by circumstances, we often forgot about our foundations and of course to build up and strengthen our foundations instead of replacing our foundation of God with Sins and Temptations...

Oftenly we are running on empty, not moving anywhere spiritually and yet we foolishly think we are, just because we are attending sermon, CG and prayer meeting... This is definitely a serious thing which we have to observe in our daily lives...

CNY...

This is my very first CNY as a Christian and I am definitely feeling very exciting about it... This year round, not only my family and friends, I have my CG, my Spiritual Family celebrating with me... Hmmm... I guess not only Leanne bah, I feel loved too, by my CG, my Shepherd and of course, the whole DI family... They are great to me, help me to adapt and of course, brought alot of joy into my life... Seriously, I have become a much happier person since coming over, though I have backslided from St. Andrew Cathedral, but that doesn't mean I backslided from God and of course, I have never forgotten any of the memories that I have with LYnC...

I know that wherever I am, whatever that happen to me, Denise, my dearest ex-cell leader and of course, the very 1st person who makes me feel that my presence on Earth is being treasured... She is just like a light which God have brought to me to guide me and lead me on... I was touched by what Denise said to me when I told her that I have decided to stay in Hope Church Singapore... She said, no matter what may happen, always remember that there is always a home, LYnC (Princess Warriors) will always be there for me...

I miss them dearly... Keep saying that I want to visit them but I keep missing the chances to do so... Perhaps, I should really work harder on planning of my time... I dun wish to neglect anyone and anything in my life... I know how it feels to be neglected or sacrificed in daily schedule, I dun want anyone to experience it... I believe I am able to do it... Because I am a proudly declared Child of God! With God, nothing is impossible! Amen!

my head...

It has been long since I update my blog... Alot of things have been happening... But most importantly, my forehead injured... Due to an Car Accident... Nothing serious... However, it's through this matter, I know who care for me most and who are the ones who are just putting up mask to hide themselves from me...

Surprisingly, Leanne was the first person to react... And of course, I was glad to receive her phone call, quite surprising... But very touched also... Her voice kind of comfort me and ease the pain quite alot... And I felt rather better after hearing her voice and her concern... And not forgetting my shepherd too... She is worrying me... Keep viomitting... Dun know how am I suppose to help her also... Ask her to see doc but I am sure she is too lazy to do so... And worst thing is, I missed my Relationship Seminar... If not, I would have been able to see Leanne also because she went...

Hmmm... Somehow, Leanne has become my role model... I admire her for alot of areas but if I were to name them out specifically, I am sorry, I really dun know how to describe or explain... I just realize and hope to learn as much things as I can from her, and I know that she is definitely someone who will never forsake me, will forgive me, support and encourage me like my dear shepherd...

Sch wise, has been very tiring... Lectures, Studio has been my daily life conqueror... However, thank God for Xiu Zhen and Yoke Ling, they sort of understand my stress and will give me encouraging verse or their special form of encouragement... I am really very thankful to be in this CG... I appreciate all the concern, help and love from them... And of course, no matter what happen to me or my life, I know that God will make a way out of no way...

Hopefully, everything will get better... :)