It's really tym for me to move on... Time is running out for me...

Perhaps one must really realize the importance of life when they are near to experiencing or near to the risk of losing it...

After the recent trip to Myanmar, I got so close to the difference between life & death, the kind of pain of witnessing lives departing from your sight is really a very heartening feeling. Though the trip was short, it was long enough for me to truly experience the importance of life.

I saw children crying over the loss of their parents, and adults shedding tears over the separation from their loved ones. This definitely makes me wanna treasure all opportunities to spend time with my family and loved ones too.

Recently, had alot of thoughts going through my mind. However, can say that I have seen through alot. Life is definitely not just about Romance but about Dreams and the kind of life God has want us to lead. Just went to my friendster, and happen to see a very harsh comment left behind by Jing Er. This shows me the ruthless that mankind can get upon not getting the one that they, she is a girl whom I have recently rejected. Perhaps it was my stupid acts and speech that has given her hopes to get together with me, but definitely I have never wanted to fool her.

Never mind, I won't let that comments to stumble me. I dun wanna care so much about how others think about me anymore, because life is definitely not just about living my life for others, to pleased them but to glorify God. All along, I have been really being damm concerned about how others look at me, think of me and even to depend on me. It's time to stop and end everything here once and for all, to truly put God as the centre of my life instead of depending on myself alone.

WIth my strength alone, I really can't take control of matters which are going out of hand. But with God,nothing is impossible,and I believe God put all these matters into my life with a purpose. I will breakthrough of all my weaknesses and truly, all the stupid things that I have done, will have to end now.

Loved ones, I must treasure, but those lost ones, if possible, I will get them into my life but if not, I will not force things but just let things goes as according to God's plans. I believe no one else can destroy me and I shall not let anyone to destroy me. God, I shall surrender fully to you and let you take charge of my life.

It's long and I am flying...

So much have happened recently... But I am glad that I have my loved ones by my side, especially after reading the recent news on all the natural disasters etc, it really triggers me to treasure all the chances to be with my loved ones... No one know what will happen next in future, but I believe God allow all these to happen for a reason...

Yesterday, received the most painful present in my entire life, a love dairy by Cassie. Really didn't expected it, a diary full of pictures of places we went together, foods/drinks we consumed, pictures of us, details of the relationship and even some little love confessions which she wanted to tell me by those times but was shy to do so.... There was a letter by the end, and she wants me to forget her and move on with my life with a smile...

After so much, she proved to me that I am not a good lover, but yet she affirm me that I am one. If I am one, she wouldn't have depart from this world. Of course, lyk what is being mentioned, God allow it to happen for a purpose. Though I dun know what's the purpose, but I believe God will show me the purpose and guide me through.

Of course, I have found the precious loved ones in my life, and I am really thankful for all the precious loved ones in my life. Each of them are dearest to me, I am not going to mention names to prevent outbreak of jealousy, but I believe they know it in their heart that they mean something to me.

Last night had a long night of waiting but it was worth it, because I had a great talk with them (A&L&L) and also Hui Ling when we shared Cab. God really shows Himself to me through these people to inspire me, to encourage me to rise up. I won't just say it verbally or make any affirmation that I will rise up, I will show it through my actions.

I believe most wanna know the reason why I wanna go Myanmar and Sichuan, despite knowing the dangers that I may face over there. It's because I have cost a life to be gone from this world because of my selfishness and cruelty, I wanna use my life to save lifes. I may not be able to do stuff which professionals are capable of doing but definitely, I wanna do a part too. This pair of hands of mine, being given to me by God, I will save lives and help people with it.

I dun know what I will see over there, but definitely I will face all of it with a heart of God. Of course, I really dun bear to leave my loved ones for long, I dun bear, and that's why I instructed, no one is to send me off... I dun wish to leave with a heart not bearing to leave, my decisions are final and I will definitely leave for Myanmar.

Miracles, am expecting to witness and experience them, with faith, I believe God will saves the people... As for my life, alot of ups and downs, but am really glad to have companion of someone dearly to me, (sorry, can't mention name) "you are always there for me, always the first one to worry for me, always the one to wipe my tears away, always the one to cheer me up and always the one to melt my heart."

It's a big tragedy...

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/ap/20080507/tap-as-gen-myanmar-cyclone-20th-ld-write-d3b07b8.html



read the news...



An ruthless storms cruelly swept across the country and destroyed more than thousands of lives and the death rates, believed to be still rising up. Seriously, God is really real and His words stand still and firm despite all these storms, natural disasters sweeping across the Nations. This is a great time for sowing, but yet, this is a really painful incident because alot of people are sufferrings out there and they really need our help.



Compared to them, people living locally are really much more fortunate. Surrounded by neighbouring countries islands, Singapore will not be swept across by Tsunami or any major storms. But seriously, this doesn't means that we should not take precaution, anything can happen and nobody knows when is the end of the world. It could be the next moment, it could be next day, next week, next month or next year.



Perhaps, this incident will be another opportunity for businessman to earn money, but what we are suppose to do to lessen these people sufferrings? I believe there's definitely something every one of us can do a part for them, whether it's through prayers or financially. And personally for me, I might be going over with my school volunteer's group to do a part. It's all under discussion. Because we have been facing alot of bad feedbacks like, the situations over there are dangerous and the circumstances there are not stable yet...

Hmmm, but I shall see...

I am rather tired about clarifying myself.

I am not sure if I should be rejoicing or feel honorable for the recent un-expectedly bloody attention given to me recently. It wasn't really something which is really pleasing but I suppose I have no alternatives but to face all these stuff bravely and strongly...

Misunderstanding, have being involved in one which rather put me at a extreme awkward position. Hmmm, didn't expected it to involve quite a handful of people in unit also, though nobody told me who are the ones and the names but I suppose, I can guess and expect... Though I have made things clear to one of the messenger (sorry, to have caused such trouble), I hope this is going to be the last time I have to made such clarifications... Because seriously, each time I clarify, the awkwardness is really burning me...

Seriously, didn't expect such misunderstanding too. I suppose I have to really watch my behavior and what I do le. I have told myself to keep a watch of what I do or say le, even if it has to do with others or regards to any matter. Of course, to be honest, I do have the urge to just call off the event which I was initially planning for Christmas, though it has not being finalized or etc, but I do feel like calling off everything...

Dun ask me why do I feel like doing so, but I am just afraid that the un-expected misunderstanding will keep on going if it's going to involve me and the party involved. I am glad that I have even clarify the matter with the party involved, and of course, I really hope this whole misunderstanding won't affect the friendship with the party involved or even with anyone else within the unit. And of course, to save that person from un-necessary awkwardness and pondering of questions, I dun tink it's appropriate of me revealing names here.

Another matter, with regards to the very basic trust which I think I ought to have. Somehow, I dun think I am having the very basic trust which I deserve... I know that this trust will have to be earned, but somehow, I suppose the crack in the relationship is stil there. I can't deny but the crack in the wound that has being caused by the past incidents is still there. We may have reconciled but none of us can deny that we have yet get over those incidents.

In many people's eyes, we seems to have got back to how we used to be, but I know very well that, we didn't. We appear to be very loving and caring to each other, but deep inside, I know that those are not true. Can say that those are just a mask to cover up all the cracks in the relationship. I have no idea what I am suppose to do to heal up this relationship, but seriously, it takes 2 hands to clap. I know that in certain areas, I am still not as accountability as supposing to be, but one thing I can be honest with people reading this blog entry.

There's no way I can be open up to accountability to people whom have hurt me deeply inside and though I appears to be okay with all these, I am seriously not okay with any of it inside. I am still searching for the root problem of this cracked relationship but I believe, all I can do now is to surrendering all to God... God is the healer, and I know that He will heal the pain inside my heart and caused by this relationship...

Of course, seriously I really didn't expect this person to be spreading salt on my wounds when I am already very badly hurt and I thought she would know... Yet, she choose to give me another blow through sms when she know that I have no wish to receive another blow from anyone else...

Am glad that still, Li Ping and someone else is with me when I am seriously dealing with these blows within that night... There's no way, I can give another 2nd chance, because I have really been forgiving for enough chances... Giving 2nd chances has always been something which I find it hard to do, ever since, I have to accept a repeated betrayals, since then, I told myself that I will not allow myself to be hurt again by a lies or betrayals.

Since then, thus, I find it hard to forgive people who will in turn hurt me or betray my trust... I know that for alot of areas, I have done wrong but I am really protecting myself and separating myself from the past mistakes. I dun wish to return to my past, thus, please dun force me to that extend whereby I can do anything which is against my own wishes and intention.

Right now, I am at an major life cross-road which I have to make a few of the major decisions which will in turn affect my career, future and even the rest of my life. Whatever that I decide right now, will determine how my future will be like and what my career will be and even my dreams... Business, Music, Fashion, these 3 major areas have been what I wanna excel in, and of course, I am not intending to give up any of the areas.

And of course, coming up, I will be studying up on Business after I have settled myself down or perhaps gain abilities to be handling Business and Music at the same time. Perhaps this would means I will have lesser time for myself, but I believe my loved ones will support me and most importantly, the person who have been with me all along... I know that staying by my side, enduring everything silently has been quite hard for this person, I know all that this person have done for me and I really appreciate all...

Maturity, something which "you" have been telling me and we have been discussing about this, after I showed "you" the SMS from my students... I believe we should really handle this whole matter in a mature manner, for the past few years, we have not really been mature in handling matters even for this relationship.

19 years old, both of us have turned 19 years old le, I believe it's time whereby we should really be mature in handling this matter. Trust, I know this is one of the problems between us, perhaps I am really been too senstive but I hope as time goes by, this trust will ultimately be there between us... As time goes by, we will definitely build up this trust...

New Responsibilties V.S New Identity =)?

Recently started a new chapter of my life, with a brand new identity and new responsibilites. Changes are really painful like what Ace told me, but changes are brought into our lives to enable us to breakthrough and to grow... Though it seriously wasn't easy for me to handle these changes, but am thankful that God has been faithful enough to pull me through and strengthen me when I am shivering with fear.

I used to think that death isn't somthing which is fearful, but after the recent experiences of near escape from death, I realized it's really scary. Just at that moment, if I didn't persisted, maybe I will be happier right now because I will be free, I will be with Jesus but that would means I will be separated from my loved ones which I still dun bear to leave yet. Through this escape from death, I will treasure the people around me even more preciously because they are God's greatest gifts to me.

Heart of problem is the problem with heart, I love this sentence because it shows me what exactly goes wrong when things are done wrongly in my life. I used to be very persistent in pursuing my own rights and of course, my freedom. I dun like to be tied down and maybe this is one bad reason why I was never faithful in any of my past relationships until I was badly and deeply hurt by someone.

Someone asked me a great question recently, "Did Wan Ting give you birthday wishes? Did she celebrate with you?" What should I answer this question with? She celebrated with me with her ruthless and ignorance. I am sure she remember my birthday, because it was written in her personal planner and calendar but of course, expected the ignorance. Yes, I am quite upset bcux I didn't receive her birthday wishes but what the Love which I have received that day has far exceeded the pain I have got from her.

Esplanade Rooftop, my favorite hideouts, a place which I will go when I am upset, angry, tired of life, fed up or happy. Have never expected to have a great night with my loved ones there on my birthday. Previous night, spent it with someone precious to me. It was a very memorable night and though it was short but it was long enough to make me remember forever. And of course, Leanne's birthday song to me, surprised me too. That kind of smile, is the kind of smile which I didn't see for a long tym... That night is definitely a great night for most of us,though Wan Ting wasn't with me.

Right now, am facing choices of life. 2 years later, there is going to be a major decision which I have to make. How the rest of my life is going to be will depends on that very day when I have to make that decision. At the same time, am going to inherite my Dad's inheritance which I am not excited about. Not excited because I dun want to be controlled or make any decisions from there with Money. Maybe some of those which are near me would be excited about this inheritance but how I am going to use this inheritance, I am in fact halfway planning it.

Part of it will goes into my Mum, I know she is not having a easy time to bring us up. She told me alot of stuff which seriously shows me that all these money which I am going to inherite, each cent of it are earned by my Dad's sacrifices and sweat and blood. She dun want me to repeat her mistake and thus wants me to start planning it early. Business, I have being informed recently that my uncle wants me to help out in his company when I am old enough to handle major stuff. Which means, I will have to get myself involved in Business industry when I am 21.

I am only 19 but the stuff which I am handling and planning is already till 21 years old. I know all these plannings and decisions is not going to be fixed but I dun want to start planning when it's too late. I have experienced the last minute preparations and planning for some major stuff in my life, I dun want to repeat my mistake. It's time for me to really have some serious thoughts about my life and future. In fact, I am even thinking about my career prospect le, which seems to ridiculous.

I know that reality and dreams, there's always a difference but "Dream Big" and I believe God will help me through. I have been called, I heard His calling and I will definitely respond to the Call... I am very excited about the future, to re-discover God's will and Plan for me. Just had a short chat with Leanne and got inspired by her spirit. Despite the fact that she have to juggle with alot of stuff, regardless is her students' academic, the packed tuition schedule, church ministry and etc, she is excited about how God has called her to serve and I do believe that she will really have a great time with God moulding her yet using her to serve others.

Right now is the Mid Year Examinations for Students and Freshman Harvest Period, though I am not being kept as busy as her, but I do understand the kind of busy schedule and feeling. I believe she can pull through because God is with her. Life can be really demanding at times, but all these are never impossible with God. He won't put us through trials which we can't handle and pass through...

Therefore, though this period may be tiring for me, I believe God will mould me into someone useful of His Call. And I shall make use of my life to glorify God and to love all those around me.

Long tym no see...

It has been sum tym since my birthday has passed... Had a really great and memorable birthday with my CG & Unit Gals over at Esplanade Rooftop... Didn't expected it of cux bt was really touched...

Life has been going through alot of changes and adaptions... New identity,new roles & duties, new decisions to make and new responsibilities, not forgetting new challenges. It seriously wasn't easy for me to handle this new role and responsibilities, but I believe God has His reasons.

I did my best in loving the people around me, but somehow, I will always end up hurting sum without realizing... Perhaps, earlier bcux of my stubborness and perfectionist tantrum, I brought sum sort of unhappiness into the people's lives around me. Love isn't a simple task to accomplish. Alot of people think that I am not loving enough or I dun love enough, but what does it means for me to show that I love someone? To die for that person? That's the only thing which I have yet done for anyone.

Love is what God all about, out of Love, He sent His one and only Son, Jesus to die for us on the Cross. What does this Cross means to me? It means more than a symbol, but it resembles the forgiveness, love and grace from God and it means more than anything to me. If anyone were to ask me, if I would give up my life for Christ, my answer will be "Yes" without hesitations. Maybe I have promised someone that I won't die or leave without her consent but for such, I believe she will understand too...

Though she didn't say, I know that actually she minds it when I spend time on those sermon notes, reading God's words and etc, but because she dun wish to force or stop me, thus, she choose to be silent about it. Instead of nagging and persecuting me like what my Mum is doing. Persecutions is part and partial of Christianity Life, God didn't promise a smooth-sailing life but He promise to carry us through with His loving Hands and Heart for us.

Life is short and brittle, no one knows what will happen to us the very next moment. Recently, I just had an close shave escape from death, and through this incident, I saw and realized who are the ones who care for me. And most importantly, I will treasure my life even more now. Thus, no worries that I will do silly stuff to hurt myself again because I will live a life to glorify and honor Him. My body is God's temple, I won't damage it because I love myself for whom God has created me to be.