Ace & Alvin, it's their birthday... =)

Happy Birthday, Ace & Alvin!

Dun know what to say, but really want to affirm both of you is that, both of your has really play a great role in my life. Ace, you lead me into a higher level of discipline, from you, I found the meaning of "Joy" and the right attitude of leadership. Alvin, though in between of our secondary school life, alot of misunderstanding happen between us, but you showed me the true colors of Mankinds and most of all, we went to experience Clubbing for the very first time in our life together with the rest.

It's going to be a great day. I know it, because I have quite a beautifully tight schedule. 1pm, to be meeting the Chalet Committee at ISLE Cafe and 4.30pm, will be meeting the cute birthday girl, Ace for discussion. 5.30pm, to meet CG for service. =)

The day before which is yesterday, alot of things happened to me. Somehow I dun know whether M did it on purpose, she is with her stead and yet she dragged me along, using C.Y as an excuse. And end up, she even try to match make me and C.Y which is so ridiculous. I can't reject it face-to-face because it would embarrass C.Y. But still, I hate it, because I hate it when people match make me without my consent because I simply do not need to match made with anyone. Love can't be forced... And I am sorry to say that I have only realized it at this point.

A girl, by the name, Wan Ting, who have a name called "Leeanne" and seriously, I dun noe why she spelled it in such manner. She taught me that Love can't be forced. Thanks, but I dun appreciate it. I dun hate her, I am not angry with her, I am not bearing grudges from her, but I can't forget what she have done to me. I believe if she is reading this, she will be scolding me for publishing her name in my blog, I will be responsible for what I said here. And of course, if it's not true, I wouldn't publish it here.

Everyone make mistakes isn't i? But will them realize it? And that's why, honesty is very important. I made alot of stupid mistakes, I dun deny that even till now, I am still doing mistakes. But simply, all the past mistakes shouldn't be determining my future, isn't it?

Birthday, a day to celebrate of our birth and now, I dun know who will I be celebrating with? Of course, I really hope to celebrate with my loved ones and the special ones...

MVP - Most Valuable Player

It has always being an honorable achievements to be awarded as MVP of the Match. Personally for me, I have only got this honorable title for only once and it was when I was 18 years old and it happens last year. It was an crazy week for me because I led an team of great members through different matches of Floorball, Soccer and Basketball. Something which that little girl expected, I hurt myself in the floorball match, when my feet got swollen like an trotter. When I got awarded the MVP, I asked myself, have I done my best in this match? And of course, I presented the MVP trophy to someone whom I respected most, my coach who have left Singapore and is now settling down at Perth with his family.

Since then, I stop touching Sports even till now, I believe I have lost touch of the Basketball and even the basic skills and tactic for Basketball. Floorball has always being something I excel in, same thing, I have lost touch of it too ever since I last played in the Match. To me, to defeat someone whom I detest, the easiest and best way is to defeat that person through Basketball Match. But I realized now my passion is not Basketball anymore, but Dance. I challenge people and settle all misunderstandings through Dance. Like what is being showed in "Step Up 2", they compete with each other with their dance skills to decide who is stronger and to defeat people they detest.

Similarly, I am using such tactic instead of the initial Basketball Match because my passion is in Dance now. I can sacrifice my time and sleep to practice Dance, but I can't do so for Basketball. Alot of times, I really ask myself where is my passion exactly, Fashion, Photography, Foods & Beverage, Business or Music? One cannot be too greedy, and I know I can only concentrate on one area. Like what I told my shepherd, I will focus entirely on Music for now, after I achieve what I aim to, I will move on to Fashion. China is a great place for me to establish my Fashion Kingdom because honestly speaking, the people there has really poor fashion sense.

For my future, I have no idea but at least for now, I am dead sure that Music is all I ever want to focus on now. As for whether my passion is on Dance or Basketball, I will still be setting up the Music Workshop and the Basketball Team.

My day today is rather amazing. I hurt someone without realizing and only realize it after reflecting on what I have done today. Knowing that it will hurt her when I mention another girl (further more is someone who is interested in me), I was on the phone with this specific girl, M when I meet her up. To worsen the situation, the girl called me here and there, when I was with her, though she didn't say anything much but from the way she spoke to me and her behavior, I know she is hurt inside, just that she dun want to tell me.

I know her for 6 years, she have being stubborn for 6 years too, stubborn in the area whereby she will not want to tell me that she is hurt and would always use a smile to hide everything to herself. And of course, this will only shows me how selfish I am for not being sensitive enough to realize what have I done. As for why I am with her in the first place, not much specific reason.

Something worsen my day was my shepherd. Somehow, she like to play a game with us and which is MIA. Of course, I dun blame her because I understand how she feels but I believe there is better ways of resolving everything than being out of contact. Alot of times, we often step on each other's toes, is either she do something that upset me or I do something that upset her. Seriously, to be honest, I dun understand what on Earth is she thinking and feeling too. Maybe we really have alot in difference but one thing for sure that I dun understand is that, (forget it, I shall not mention here).

I gave her chance of course, because I know that no one is perfect and that everyone will make mistakes and we grow from our mistakes. No one is to condemn one another because we are all sinners but why still is she escaping? It's not the one who failed her's fault, nor the shepherd's fault for not comforting her but the greatest enemy in her world is herself. She is condemning herself and she is moving on with her mistakes. I forgave her and I can of course forgive her this time round again, but so what if I forgive her? Would she be able to move on and know where she should work on?

It's true that she is my shepherd and I should be encouraging and supporting her along, but what makes sum people to think that I am not doing so? Whatever that I can help her in, I have done them all even assisting her to look out for Hui Yin and for myself, I make sure I dun misbehave. I understand that there are people who sow discord between me and my shepherd, told her stuff that I dun respect her thus, I dun account to her but is that the truth? The reason why I dun bother to clear this misunderstanding because I believe God know what I am doing and He know who is right and wrong. At His timing, He will punish the evil ones and these people are those who go around to spread rumors, gossips, sow discord and to slander and reward those who do things of His Will...

Whatever I am doing, I believe I will live my life of His will and I will glorify Him and bring people around me to His righteous Court. And last but not least, my shepherd.

Jasmine, if you are reading this entry, I really hope you will pull yourself up soon. You are my shepherd, I know it isn't easy for you to handle the kind of pain that you are enduring now. But I believe you are able to pass through this trial that God has given you. Like what Hong Koon, Yoke Ling and Li Ping like to tell me, God will not gives us trial which we can't passed through. Alot of times, people will fail us, but it's okay because we know that God will never fail us, isn't it? God gives us sheeps, for us to learn from their mistakes, to correct them, to love them, to guide them and to lead them.

It is definitely expected that sheeps will misbehave, do something wrong or fail us, but are we going to fall and stumble when they do so? If it is suppose to be this way, then why did God bother to give us Sheeps? To see His leaders fall and stumble? No, God is a loving Father of ours, He gives us trials to strengthen us, He gives us Sheeps to encourage us and to learn and to guide people. I used to be a shepherd before I transfer over, in fact, I used to be a CL. I know how it fails when your people fail you. The CG I used to be leading is around 12 girls, and they are all studying in Schools like Victoria JC, Anderson JC, Raffles Girls School, all "branded" schools while I was just studying in NAFA.

I am only a 3 months Christian when I took over the CG as CL, I was very frightened initially when I took over because I doubt my ability to lead. But later on, Pastor Joyce spoke to me, she told me, why should I doubt myself? Since God called me and entrust the CG to me, it proves that He have His plans for me and I should have faith in Him and His plans. Since then, I did my best in leading them. Alot of times, is either this or that girl will give me problems like, BGR, there was once when half of my girls turned away from God and I was very depressed. But I didn't fall because I know that I can't fall, if I fall, what is going to happen to the other half?

I am not trying to say that you can't fall because you still have to lead me. It is normal for even leaders to stumble and fall but you should learn something from the fall. Do you want to know how I eventually brought the other half back? It's through Love. I didn't force them, or to keep pestering them. I will always leave a note at their blog, MSN or even to the extend of their doorstep even when they stay in different areas like, Bedok, Tampinese, Hougang, Chua Chu Kang and Pasir Ris. I wil always encourage them, and I told them, that I believe one day, they will eventually come back to God.

Love is a very powerful thing, it can build up a person and it can destroy a person too. You witness how Wan Ting nearly destroy me completely but thanks to you, Leanne and Li Ping, I am still intact and still standing strong and firm in God's court. It was a struggle for me to give up my title in LYnC (ex-church youth ministry) to come over to Hope and start all over again, but I still came because of Love. Over here, through this CG, I felt loved and I saw what Love is all about. Maybe alot of people wonder if I come over for the sake of Wan Ting or not, I dun deny, she is part of the reason but she is not the main reason. It's the people whom made me know what God's grace and Love is about and it's here where I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with God.

In case you wanna know what happen when I told my CG and my Pastor that I wanna come over to Hope Church, I shall tell you here. Of course, they were sad about my departure but they know that I am leaving for God's sake. I leave to grow up stronger in Christ, I leave to foster my bonds with God and I leave for God's purpose. The last time when I went for the Service, everyone cried and prayed for me. I was very touched when my ex-shepherd told me this, "LYnC will always be opening a door for you, it will always be a refuge which you can turn to and we will always be here for you." And just previously, a few days ago, I chat with my ex-shepherd and she told me that she have left the ministry and is serving in Adults le. After chatting with a few of my girls, then I know that there has been alot of restructuring. Pastor Joyce is no longer leading the Youth Ministry but a new Pastor whom I forgotten the name. And most of the members are rather unstable due to sudden restructuring.

To be honest, even after I left the Church, I was still in contact with them. I would meet the girls up and I would even teach them the teachings that I learnt here and they will share their day with me. It's just like another form of "shepherding," at first, I was really afraid that it may be wrong. But later, when I see their growth and changes in their life, I know that it may be wrong in some sense but it's a good thing that I have change people's lives with God's will and with the stuff that I have learnt.

Therefore, Jasmine, be strong and remember, you have contributed to the changes in my life, though alot of times, our decisions dun meet but still, one thing will never change, you are my shepherd and you did teach me alot. I dun and wun force you. When you are ready to open up yourself, tell me, I will help you. Dun be afraid to tell me your emotions and problems, I have experienced something worst le...

Remember, no matter what happen, grow from your mistakes and move on. I will always be there to support and help you. Be strong.

Mattew 18: 10-14

Birthday Programs (Updated) + Announcements

26th of April,

1.30pm - Meet at Somerset Station
1.45pm - Will make our way to Cineleisure KBOX
2pm-5.15pm - Singing & Fellowship (Each person to prepare at least $30)
5.15pm- Make our way to Cuppage Plaza
5.30pm - Should Reach Nexus
8pm - Dinner + Celebrations
9+pm - Night Walk + Fellowship
11.40pm/12am - Movie (Superhero or smth else?)
2am - Dismissal, for those who wants to stay on, will have programs (Clubbing [Maybe]) and for those who wants to go home, please kindly settle own transportations. (*Not responsible for anyone who is not able to go home with transportation)

A few things to take note:

Sabotage is welcome but please do not involved Durians or Prawns because I seriously dun eat these. And please do not touch my hair, face is okay, if you want to draw something but not applying cosmetics. Flour is okay, but not with eggs. Water is welcome but not warm water. Please do not expect me to wear skirts or etc because I will not. Fear Factor, though I initiate this game during the Chalet and I am okay to play this game but with the full participation of the rest plus excluding Durians and Prawns.

Kisses & Hugs are welcome but not to my lips (Hong Koon, please take note).

Announcement to those who are interested in the Music Worshop.

For those who have seen the bulletine in Friendster, yes, I included Basketball but I have decided to focus on Music Workshop first. Basically, this Music Workshop, will be based on Music Theory, Skills - Dance & Singing. There will definitely be fun and joy. Registerations will start on my birthday. If you are interested, please kindly prepare a copy of your monthly schedule + days and time you are able to commit. Venue so far is being fixed at Istana Park. Changes will be updated. Kindly register with me personally or through your leaders. This is only open up to Sisters only, due to the consideration that they may be shy to dance or sing with brothers around.

Regardless you have any Music background or not, as long as you love Music, wanna pick up some skills on Music, and wanna strengthen your body, please do join us. No one is going to judge your singing/dance because no one is perfect.

For basketball wise, I am still under constructions for this but I promise to update on this area ASAP. Would like to focus on the Music Workshop first. Thanks. Any enquires, please do e-mail, MSN msg, SMS/Call (Late Reply will be due to Class Commitments) or speak to me personally before or after service.

What am I suppose to do?

Alot of stuff have been happening to me or in my world since the day I came back from the recent chalet... Let's talk about some stuff that happen today.

Amazingly, a guy by the name of Mr. Ooi, made the later day of mine lyk hell. He totally destruct my day when I was just trying to bring myself to peace. No need to wonder, this person is my stepfather. I have never seen anyone who is so unreasonable and petty. Just because my mum came home late as she was helping my Sis to take care of my nephew, he threw temper like as though my Mum did something gravely wrong... Which I think is really dumb...

We had some sort of have some arguments and verbal harsh exchange, I can't stand anyone who insult my Mum or say anything bad/harsh about her. We quarreled and I suppose he lost the argument and that's why he then left and wen to my step-grandmother's house. Seriously, I really wonder why such a guy exists in this world... True enough, a hungry man is a angry man, but never did I expect such petty and unreasonable guy exists and have to be my stepfather...

Of course, this seriously reflects a question to me. What kind of family I hope to build up and start in future? Would I want to have a family of friends staying together and living together, growing old together and walking this life journey and spiritual race together? Or would I be adpoting a child and bringing the child up, cultivating a good descendant of this world? Or both? I have my own dreams and as Leanne encourage us, dream big and keep dreaming...

My dreams is to have a house in Vienna, to be surrounded by Musicians, and the beautiful and mystery Music History and Arts Culture. It do not need to be a grand mansion but just a house enough for me to live. And to spend my days, composing Music, designing Bags, Shoes, Dresses and all types of Clothings and even to establishing my own Fashion Label. Regardless how heavy the price it is, this is my dream of life and I really hope to fulfill this dream before I leave this world to meet God...

Music has always being a necessities in my life, and never did I expected myself to develop a interest for Fashion too. Especially knowing the fact that I s**ks in Drawing, thus, the more, I can't accept the fact that I am interested in Fashion. And yes, I suppose after I pursue my interest in Music, I will pursue Fashion. I believe it's going to be tough because I can't draw well but I will definitely do my very best and leave myself not even a corner for regrets.

However, one of my concerns now is my family. Would I be able to go all out to pursue my dreams and not committing as much as I am now to the Family? It all started with a word, "Promise," I promise my late Dad that I will guard, protect, take care of this family well. This family is the reason why I have to be strong and no matter what, I have to guarding everyone of this family from Mr. Ooi. I dun care whatever bullshit business he do outside the family, but it definitely is my concern if he try to play a joke on my family and especially with their safety.

Not forgetting about my commitments in Church, I made a promise to myself and my leaders that I will rise up and not just for the sake of my leaders, I want to shine among everyone. Maybe in alot of people's eyes, I am still young and ignorant in Christ but, all I want to say is, maybe I didn't join Hope Church longer than anyone whom I know so far in Church, but like what that has being taught. Spiritual maturity do not relies on Spiritual Age, one can be 10 years Christian but still the level of Maturity is still at the day of Conversion.

I believe that I am able to do so, because I have being called and most importantly, God has called me to be. I can see myself leading and I believe that God has called me to be a leader. Maybe right now, I have alot of areas which I need to improve on, espcially my patience. ALot of times, I realized I will be very worried that things may not goes as according to what I plan and want, but till now then I realize, these worries are just extra burdens that I have for myself. I suppose I was badly influence by that little girl, perfectionist - someone who expect everything to be perfect, regardless is studies, or any sort of stuff in my life.

And that's why I will tend to get impatient when things are nt going according to my plans, e.g. during the recent Chalet. Alot of things didn't goes according to what I wanted too, but I didn't give up because I believe this is just part of God's trial for me. I believe I need to change in this area, it's good to seek perfection standard in everything I do, but too cautious in such areas, do tire people whom I work with too, and may also cause stress in a few areas too. I believe by God's grace, He will strengthen me through the people around me, and through the different trials and opportunities that He is going to expose to me.

Soon or later, I believe I will be able to be a leader who is shining among the crowd, I will be the one leading instead of the one following, I will be the one guiding instead of following blindly. To be a Leader who love the people, who guide the people, to help the people, to take care of the people and to lead them well is what I want.

My birthday wish, is a foolish one but I know it's very tough for me to fulfill it. I want to just be at the Singapore Flyer with the person whom I want to... And of course, I have alot of birthday wish.

1st, my Sis and her family to be happy, safe and healthy.
2nd, my nephew to grow up strongly, healthy and happy
3rd, my closed and loved ones to be happy and healthy
4th, to move on to a higher level of standards in my leadership, music and arts skills
5th, to fulfill the people whom I care 's dreams and to be by their side always, regardless day or night, rain or shine.

Savior, My God is Mighty to Save...

Everyone needs compassion

A love that's never failing

Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness

A kindness of a Savior

The hope of nationsSavior

He can move the mountains

My God is Mighty to

is Mighty to save

ForeverAuthor of

rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me

All my fears and failures

Fill my life

give my life to follow

Everything I believe in

Now I surrender

Shine your light and let the whole world see

We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus



It took me so long to realize that I do love the Lord Savior of my life. Each time when I fall, He is always there to catch me, to pick me up and to walk that painful and torturous path with me... I will live to bring you praise... I will live my life of a Child of yours, to honor you and to love you...



All these while, through all the trials that I have faced so far, God has simply proved and shown me that people do fail us but He will never fail us. His promise is forever so faithful and He will never forsake us, no matter what happen and what have we done wrong, He is forever so loving to forgive us.



Recently, I must really admit that I have done alot of wrong things and even when I have done them, I didn't confess and repent... It was till I went to Nexus, standing there, singing Praise & Worship, listening to the prayers and sermon, then I realized that God is calling me, He is knocking on the door of my heart... He is seeking me, and feeling damm guilty and upset about what I have done wrong, I confess everything and repented from them...

Life is like a Merry-Go-Round

I am turning 19 in a few more weeks, I can't help but really ask myself so far, for my past 19 years of life, what have I been doing? I am spiritually 1 year old, and of course, I really wonder have I been growing for this one year or have I just being spending my life with my own vision, pretending to be a Christian and not living my life as a Christian.

I have seen numerous people who attend Church service, and of course, these people claim and declare to be Christian but actually deep inside, they are just hypocrites who put up a fake mask. And these people, always like to hide among the crowds, and even Church. Such people have their own greed and sinful desires. Yet in front of others, they hide themselves and will always deny their sinful thoughts and behavior.

Alot of times, I ask myself who am I and who God is to me. I am a sinner, a child who have fallen short of God's standard. In the past, before I come to know Christ, I have done many numerous and endless mistakes, but knowing that God's grace is forever enough for me, enough for me to start my life anew and enough for me get over the past. Starting my life anew in Christ, is the greatest Love I have ever received.

All these while, I met alot of new people in my life, some of them condemn me with my past mistakes and some accepted my past and help me to move on, starting everything anew. So what is a true friend? A true friend is someone who accept your past and background, yet dun condemn you wth them but help you to get over them and start everything anew to move on. I have met all types of people, some put up a fake mask in front of me and pretend to be kind and loving but behind my back, slander me, gossip about me and scold me...

And these people include even someone whom I have know for 4 years, seriously, I know alot of people wonder why I will make sure myself stop trusting that person if that person betray my trust for 3 times. 3 chances is all I ever give, the reason is very simple, even a friend who claim to be a great buddy of you, always like to say those mushy stuff to you and tell you how much that person treasure you as a buddy, similarly, how mushy those words she said in front of you, can be how sour, how ridiculous and how crappy behind you.

For my past 18 years before coming to faith of life, I felt that I have wasted my life away... Never did I realize, the greatest mistakes I have made is entrusting myself to the wrong type of people. I followed the wrong the group and eventually lead myself into destructions lifestyle. But thank God for a little girl, she brought me to Christ and thus, here I am, serving in Hope Church.

Alot of times, I do have struggles, on whether my love for someone or even my Love and Faithfulness for God. I am curious to find out how much I am willing to do and give for the sake of my Love. And most of all, even now, knowing that I want to just focus on one, my heart is no longer as obedient as it is suppose to be...

And from now, how am I going to lead the rest of my life?I want to just live a life that will glorify God and live my life to the fullest... Yes, I once gave up on my life because I didn't see the vision that God wants me to see, and because the person whom is rather important to me, choose to deny me in front of her friends. Though I said before, being lover in name is not important to me, because what I care about is the fact in reality...

I had an bad and deep fall sum time ago, it was a very painful fall.... I really thought that I couldn't pick myself up again but God shows that it's possible... Leanne, someone whom I know on 1st of January, 12.28am during the X2 Year End event, she influence me alot for alot of areas. Leadership, vision of life, love for people even when they fail us and alot more... Alot of times, when I feel like giving up and just withdraw myself from everything, God would always encourage me through her. And just like what she wrote on an card for me on my Baptism, "God knows how to send ppl to spur me!"

Thanks, I appreciate all of your love...

My previous post for today is kind of emo, thus, I dun wish to make this post emo too...



寂寞时我会看着你写的信

这是让我努力走下去的原因

一点一滴随信纸勾出回忆

请相信你的心我永远都会珍惜

难过时你鼓励我继续往前行

在感动时你也会陪着我流泪

我们之间有一种奇妙的感应

请相信我愿意陪着你不会离去

i'll never gonna say goodbye

就算我们曾经距离多么遥远

答应过不会忘记这约定

i'll never gonna say goodbye

生命变的如此灿烂

因为你存在只要有爱就有未来

总在离别前那一刻忍住哭泣

将这份美丽藏在心底

dear 我好想告诉你在短短的时间里能把我的一切

说给你听我渴望也希望作你生活的重心因为有了你我才能支持下去

你知不知道其实我也想了解你的一切你的生日你的兴趣还有你的新发型

我想说的我想做的都是为了你

每次见到你都是愉快的心情

仿佛广阔世界只剩了你我

都可以在这些日子里有快乐也有哭泣

希望你从这一秒开始到永远都不会忘记哼着温暖的旋律 for you



This song is a special song which I want to dedicate to a few person whom the name list is too long for me to mention... Everyone, regardless of age, duration of knowing me, whether you belong to Hope Church or not, race, gender, I really want to tell all those who have known me since I am start my life anew... Whether you are my student, band mates, my fellow instructors, my working partners, my trainer/mentor, my friends, cousins, sisters, brothers, I just want to tell all of your that I love your all...



I am not someone who is rather verbal in expressing my feelings, and appreciations, though I may seems abit talkative at times, but I am very close with regards to expressing myself... Those who know me well, will know that I tend to express my feelings and appreciations through songs or music or dance... Asking me to affirm people is like a Mission Impossible but I managed to breakthrough in this area during Arete Camp during the 2nd night when I gather all the girls and have a very badly prepared/planned "Dedications Night"



During my Spiritual Birthday's celebrations on 7th of April at Downtown, the 2nd night of the Chalet which I am involved in the Committee, I got affirm by people whom I didn't expected, people like Joleen, Kelvin and James... Somehow through this Chalet, I got closer and understand a few of our brothers better... Kelvin and Paul are great e.g. Before this chalet, I dun tend to talk to them because I dun know what to talk about, but during this Chalet, we starts to chat more and hang around more oftently...



Kelvin, is a brother whom I can be very honestly affirm and acknowledge that I like his voice, his singing is so far, among all the brothers I have known in Hope Church, is real and have the correct singing method and attitude... Singing is definitely his gifting from God... I look forward to the day when I will in the Worship Ministry wit him, be leading P/W with him on stage... He is a great singer...



Paul wise, I know him and got closer with him because he was working with me for Games and he has been helping me alot in areas like preparing foods for the rest, and to carry stuff and to make suggestions in alot of areas... He is a nice guy to talk to, hang around with, rather interesting too... He seems to know alot of things, yup, just a guy who seems knowledgable and fun...



Through the Chalet, I seen and think through alot... I experience alot of different emotions during that few days... I learnt alot of stuff especially in planning, arranging events, and how to handle the sudden changes in different circumstances, know how to lead people correctly, and lead the event well... Perhaps I didn't discipline everything well, and I am not patient enough but I believe God will strengthen me in this area...

Last of all, I wanted to extend my thanks and appreciation to all those who have helpled me through, encourage, support me through, whether you are from my CG, Unit or Church or School or wherever, I really appreciate each of your presence in my life... Please forgive me if I am abit slow or offensive in certain areas... With love, tolerate my flaws bah... I will change them with God's grace and strength in me...

Birthday - What does it means to me?

Birthday, honestly do not mean anything much to me but a year older physically... The meaning and the eagerness is long lost when my Dad left me in the year 2001... Before his departure in my life, I will always look forward for each birthday that he would celebrate for me.... I never fails to be waiting patiently to know what he would get for me, and surprisingly, he would always get the stuff I want but never tell him, for me...

Since then, I have never got a memorable birthday till last year when I met this little girl whom till now, I have no idea what to do about her... I gave her an nice name called "Mrs. Norbit" after we watched the very 1st movie, Norbit... I called her that, because she behave very similarly like the female lead... As fierce as her, as unreasonable as her and as demanding as her...

Last year birthday, she celebrated with me... We had our first dinner together at the Swensens of Marina Square... I even still kept the receipt with me, I still remember very clearly how that day passed... We went to Far East, Esplanade and Marina Square... It's her first time going Marina Square... We had a great time together, and bought alot of stuff too... Though everything bought that day was hers, and she felt bad about it but I dun mind because I have her companion...

However, that's last year... I even remembered her telling me that she will cry if i were to go MIA one day... This year, I have no idea if she still even remember my birthday or not...

This year round, I am going to celebrate my birthday with my CG, unit friends and maybe some other outside friends bah.... Alot of people ask me, what do I want to do for my birthday, seriously, I want to do alot of stuff for my birthday... I want to watch movie, I want to sing, I want to club, i want to drink, I want to play at the beach, I want to just have fun till the end of it... But how would it be possible?

Carousel, Ferris Wheel is what I like but I have no intention to spend my birthday there... Birthday no longer mean anything to me... I lost my Dad after he last celebrated for me, made me ate Durian Cake with my Mum knowing that I dun eat Durian... Made me so touched when I received the present... And for the girl, I lost her after she celebrated with me, who else am I going to lose???

I can feel your touch...

Father Lord,

You are faithful to me, despite the times when I fail you, when I turn away from you and when I rebel against you. You carried me through the journey when I was tired and weary, you encouraged me through people around me and this wonderful verse,

" Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD wil renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40: 28 - 31

Alot of times, I draw back because I face alot of trials and problems and most of them are definitely hindering me from focusing on God. I wanted to give up at alot of times, but always, at the very verge of giving up, He shows me His Love and His faithfulness by sending people to me, to encourage me, to speak to me and to seek the probems inside me. He is forever faithful in keeping His promise to me.

Each time when I see no hope and light out of the problem I am stuck in, he will show that blink of light into my world of darkness. I was taught that Church is my place of refuge and true enough, each time when I feel that I am being cast out of the world, when everyone seems to have turn their back against me, whenever I return back to Church for service, I feel that love that God has promise, and the family that He have given me.

I know at certain times, I turn to convenant friends instead of immediate family in Christ but please kindly stop having the idea that I am serving Man instead of God... I have enough of repeating myself to clarify about everything... I am serving God and I know what I am doing... Having spiritual buddy is not for anything, but because I feel that our friendship is not just based on Christ but being built up on alot of common areas and the amount of common areas that we both like... I know it is not necessary to have a spritual buddy to have a successful spiritual walk, but let me repeat myself once and for all, I chose Li Ping as my spiritual buddy because she is really a good friend who understand me, who share alot of common interest and thinkings with me... That simple, it's not for the sake of my spiritual walk or anything... So stop commenting on me having spiritual buddy or accountability... I know what I am doing...

Wedding...

"Wedding" has been the series which I have been watching lately and I really learnt alot through this series... Most importantly, I suppose I learnt that Love works in a vert mericulous manner... 2 person could have poles difference apart background, preferences and lifestyle, but they could be an perfect match for each other. God know us well because He is our Creator, He have created someone out there for us and all these takes time to bring us together with that special one out there.

In this show, Jiang Na-Ra and Ryu Shi-Won came from completely different background, they have different lifestyle, preferences, thinking and vision of life. But through time, compromise and sacrifices, love starts to bloom between them. Even when in between, when they found out the secrets that each other has been hiding, they put up an show together in order not to worry those who have been worrying for them.

The kind of love they have for each other and how much they are willing to tolerate of each other flaws and past, it's very encouraging.

And back to myself, all I can say is, though I am eager to have that kind of relationship that has been showed in the series, but regardless how I tried, all I get was just the kind of painful love and not of such. I have fallen wrongly in love with the wrong person, and this eventually leads to tragedy now, whereby whether to end or not, it will cause painful memories.

Unlike others, our love story couldn't bloom happiness though we both tried, I have seen her effort and her contributions and though she is no longer the little girl whom I loved and know, I know that she have never forgot all that I have done for her. And honestly, though she is not the person whom I first love in my life, but sadly she is the person who changed me completely, I become who I am now because of her.

To me, the greatest stage of Love is when you are willing to change yourself completely just for this person, regardless it is your habit or your characters... When you just wanna do everything with her, sleep, eat, drink, do homework, study together, when you wanna listen to what she listen, wanna read what she read, wanna feel what she feel, wanna see what she see, wanna believe in whatever she believe, wanna protect her when she is scared, wanna bring her to doctor and willingly hope that the person to be sick is you, wanna bring her to all the beautiful places, wanna fulfill all her dreams, wanna share all your joy with her and carry your sorrow and if allow to, her sorrow too alone and when you just hope that the 1st and last person you see daily is her...

This is my prospect of Love. I used to just be a barbaric gang member, I was so used to that kind of life till I see no mistakes in it until she nagged at me, quarreled with me not once but most of the times because of my lifestyle. Alot of areas, we couldn't compromise at all, she prefer bright colors while I prefer dark colors, she prefer shopping malls while I prefer quiet places like Esplanade, she prefer fastfoods but I prefer steaks and healthier foods, she prefer hanging out with friends while I prefer to just hang out with her alone, she prefer apples while I prefer strawberry, she prefer bathing once a day while I prefer 4 times, she prefer to wear clothes which are more of kiddy to youngster while I prefer mature and artistic clothings, she prefer to eat stuff while doing homework or studying while I prefer to drinking lemonade with honey...

All these shows our differences in preferences, I tried to compromise to hers but seems like no matter how much I tried, it still dun work. Compromising is not going bring us to anywhere, and she have definitely prove to me that 1st compromise will eventually lead to endless compromise... I give in once, and now she expect me to give in always... And she have never bother to step into my world to know what I want and need, and what kind of relationship I wish to have... Everything that happen inside the relationship has to be according to her preferences...

Perhaps she think I am very controlling but I seriously just hope that she will spend some time with me regardless how busy she is... Just meeting me around an hour a day, to share about our day and problems, to do homework together etc, tt's what I want but she have shown me that Man will fail us but God will never fail us. Because each time she hurt me, I will always realize that God has been beside me to guard me, to be with me and to carry me through the painful moments... Maybe it seems silly but I will learn about God's love for me through all those times when she hurt me and fail me...

Birthday...

Hmmm...

Receive alot of questions about my birthday... E.g. How I want my birthday to be like? Wad kind of presents I like and want to receive?

Like what I told a little girl before, I dun expect expensive gifts because I dun look at gifts of how much they are worth or cost... I look at gifts through how much the person put in the thoughts and effort...

Whether the gifts is something I like/want/need or not, I look at the thoughts but not the gifts.

How I want my birthday to be like? I do not need a grand celebration, I just want to spend my birthday with my loved ones. Since my Dad's departure from my life, I no longer had any memorable birthday celebration except for last year, when I spent it with someone special. As for this year, I really just want to spend with someone special.

It is not necessary to be a mass celebrations whereby everyone come together to celebrate with me. I prefer 1-to-1 or a small group by a small group too. I normally prefer 1-to-1 because that's when I will feel comfortable, but I am okay with anything if my CG or Unit Friends (hope I am not too thick-skinned) want to celebrate with me...

I hope to celebrate 1-to-1 with Jasmine (my dear shepherd), Leanne (bt quite impossible due to her busy schedule), B.L and my friends... If really have no idea what I like, rely on your understanding towards me... I dun nid anything, I accept all gifts and thoughts...

Check my friendster out if you dun know what kind of stuff I like.

I dun wanna know...

Intro:I just can't believe this man,
This is another night of these thoughts,
Can't get this out of my head
Somebody said they saw you,
The person you were kissing wasn't me
And I would never ask you
I just kept it to myself

[chorus]I don't want to know
If your playin' me
Keep it on the low
Cuz my heart can't take it anymore
And if you're creepin'
Please don't let it show
Ooooh baby I don't wanna know

(verse 2)I think about it when I hold you
When lookin' in your eyes I can't believe
I don't need to know the truth
Baby, keep it to yourself

[chorus]I don't want to know
If your playin' me
Keep it on the low
Cuz my heart can't take it anymore
And if you're creepin'
Please don't let it show
Ooooh baby I don't wanna know

(background)/ Bridge
Does he touch you better then me (Touch you better then me)
Does he watch you fall asleep (Watch you fall asleep)
Does he show you love this way
And the things you do to me (do to me baby)
If you're better off that way (Better off that way)
Baby all that I can say (All that I can say)
GO on and do your thing and don't come back to me(Stay away from me Baby)
I don't wann know
where you whereabouts of how you movin'
I know when you in the house of when you crusin'
It's been proven' my love you abusin'
I can't understand how a man got you choosin
Undecided I came and provided my, My undivded
You came and denied it (why)
Don't even try it, I know why you lyin'
Don't even do that, I know why you cryin'(stop cryin')
Im not applyin no pressure, I just want to let you know
That I don't wanna let you go
And I don't wanna let you leave
Can't say i didn't let you breath
Gave you extra cheese (c'mon)
Put you in the SUV
You wanted ice so I made you freeze
Made you hot like the west indies
Now it's time you invest in me
Cuz if not then it's best you leaveHolla Yeah

[chorus] repeat 3xI don't want to know
If your playin' meKeep it on the low
Cuz my heart can't take it anymore
And if you're creepin'
Please don't let it show
Ooooh baby I don't wanna know

Seriously, I really dun wanna know if she is out with another guy or not. Whatever kind of relations between them, I dun want to know. I got cheated 3 times in my previous relationship and that kind of feelings simply s***ks, I dun wish to go through it again... Especially when you caught the person you love lying to you and with another lover behind your back.

Knowing that this feeling is wrong, but still, I am having such feelings always and this is very torturing for me... Many people think I am experienced because my history of relationship are colorful but who would really bother to know what is inside me... I am a very possessive and sensitive lover, and because of my possessiveness, I have tire alot of people out.

However sometime, I really ask myself, have I been too good to this little girl or am I still not good enough to her? I gave her everything she wants, everything she needs and everything she would wanna have. But why is it that she is still like this? I have no idea if she is demanding or etc but all along, I willingly allow myself to be order around.

As for this little girl, I seriously dun know what to say or do le... I realize even if I am jealous, angry or etc, she wouldn't know and care also. So why not I just put this focus on something which is much important bah. I am serving God and not Man, so I dun wish and dun wanna allow such matters to distract me again le. Perhaps it's hard for me to get over this whole incident, persuading myself to jux put this matter aside...

As for her, whether she really did something unfaithful or not, I dun wanna know le. As for the relationship wise, she can deny all she wants in front of man, because this just shows that she is still after all serving man instead of God. She mind what people says and think about her... And most importantly, it is being stated in the Bible, God dun lyk lying tongues... She can lie to all people by all means but I am sure God will show the truth one day... By then, I am sure she will still face the judgment that she fears...

I guess I made the wrong assumption...

Did I really think too much? Or am I really too sensitive? Haix... Seriously, I dun wanna noe about what is going on le... After thinking through alot of things, I realized even if I am very agitated about this whole matter, it's not going to make the whole matter go anywhere also...

I'm really tired, physically and mentally but I seems to be quite troubled over too much stuff... Patience has been something I am lacking of, no matter is in my personal life or my spiritual leadership skills... Maybe I am potential to be a leader, but I believe I am still required to go through more training and guidance from my leaders... There is no perfect leaders, I believe I am still further off from the standards...

I wouldn't want to lead a group which will in turn cause them to backslide, I want my group, my future group to be a group which soar and not fall... If my group would fall, I rather I dun rise up as leader because I dun want to mislead anyone...

Another 17 days, would b my birthday... To be honest, I am excited but I dun dare and dun noe wad would happen that day... I am excited but I dun noe wad will happen on tt day?

Why did you break my trust when I did my best in trusting you?

最后的风度(罗志祥)
没有人介入 所有人觉得你该满足 我把心血全都付出 你为何想哭 为你作主 让你受到我的保护 可是你像受苦 到底是谁难以相处 我给你幸福 你问我什么才是幸福 这个问题反而让我 把你看个清楚 你怕束缚 我的爱没能把你驯服 你没有退路 那倒不如爽快结束 就让你 见识我的风度 你离开我要不要庆祝 我不怕爱的残酷 反正我很想跳舞 我最喜欢挑战孤独 我也爱放下包袱 没有谁 我也不舍得哭 hu 我~我不在乎 你觉得痛苦 我倒不愿意为爱受苦 只有这样我才做到 对你的背叛宽恕 想你幸福 想不到分手你才幸福 是谁的错误 我不认输 我忍得住 就让你 见识我的风度 你离开我要不要庆祝 我不怕爱的残酷 反正我很想跳舞 我最喜欢挑战孤独 我也爱放下包袱 没有谁 我也不舍得哭 hu 我没有空在乎 就让你 见识我的风度 我忍痛温柔的祝福 你会一生都记住 我要你铭心刻骨 我最喜欢挑战孤独 我也爱放下了包袱 没有谁没难度 我最怕哭 ah~

爱要爱得投入 却不在乎 ah~



I feel betrayed... Someone who keep emphasizing that she will be faithful, won't betray my trust or do anything behind my back... I forgave her for the 1st time when I passed her mp3 before I went off for Arete Camp, I saw her with another guy... I persuaded myself to believe that they are just classmates and there isn't anything going on with them... She always like to tell me this, "If you love me then trust me" but seriously, I dun noe what to do right now...



Once again, I know that she is alone with this guy again and they went to make her specs together... I know that she is going the Vision 768 to make specs but she didn't tell me that she is going with this guy... Am I too senstive? Or perhaps I should really find out who this guy is and what kind of relations they are before I decide on anything? I dun wish to allow myself to do anything out of rash but seriously I really dun wish any of these to be true...



Whether this guy is really her new love or not, I hope I won't bear any grudges towards her because I know how much this is going to affect me. I jux had my spiritual birthday celebrations 2 nights ago, I still remember what those loved ones affirm me with and what I promise them... I dun wish to fall aback because of anything and anyone le.. I had one great and painful fall due to Cassie's departure, I dun wish to fall lyk this again... I know all these are wrong and I should get over her, I will be very persistent and determined in this.



She is a CL, I hope I can believe that she know what she is doing and I hope she is doing everything right in God's will. Meanwhile, I will do my part in getting over that wrong love towards her. I just wanna focus on my growth in Christ, my promise to Jasmine, X.Z and Leanne

continue frm previous post

Upon sending her off, Ace, Kenneth and me went back to the Chalet. Ace went to find her friends, and Kenneth went to settle the other stuff while I went back to check on the girls. Until 1.45 then I told Kelvin that 2.30 will be lights off, cause there are some who need to rest. Just then, we have some kind of minor arguments with Kenneth. Kelvin and I are very persistent about the safety of the girls and thus, eventually Ace made a suggestion whereby we both side think is okay. Guys who wanna sleep will enter the Chalet, if not, no one is allow to enter the room.

I am very insists of asking every girl to rest because I dun want what happened during the Arete Camp to happen again, whereby all become so restless and couldn't focus. In addition, I am the event planner, I know what their program are for the next day, I dun want any of the girls to faint or etc... Maybe I was being too protective but I dun want anything to happen to the girls.

Here comes the 2nd day...

Woke up at 6 plus after dozing off around 5 smth, after a monkey open the door so loudly... Brought the girls to Mac, went to have breakfast and slack around. Somehow through this chalet stay, I got my vision of a sister even clearer but never mind, I shall not mention names here. Around 12 smth, Li Ping got back and I meet her and Paul for the Games Briefing and final Meeting. Was very helpless when I know that more than half of the people are going Wild Wild Wet, but there wasn't anything I can say because it's their decisions. After knowing there is only roughly around 10 person joining the games.

I was very helplessly lost, I know that God was testing me and I know that there is definitely a way out. Just then, I decided to just hold a BBQ since they wanted to celebrate a sister (visitor)'s birthday and I can also bring those who wanna play to the supermarket and play a game with them over there. I brought my Games Committee people (Paul and Li Ping) to the White Sands NTUC first. I went around with a trolley to get the foods and stuff for the BBQ, while Paul and Li Ping went to get the list of things whereby they are to let the guys and girls team to get.

Around 3 plus, the girls team reach the Supermarket and the guys too after I called Kelvin and he told me that they are on the way out. I led the girls team while Paul led the guys team, hmmm, though the game was quite lame but I really hope that they enjoyed the game. During the game, I passed my wallet to Li Ping and asked her to push the trolley to pay for those foods stuff and drinks then get back to the destination point.

After both teams got their stuff, they came back to the destination point, and the results is the guys lose the game... They are to do an forfeit decided from the girls team which is they have to jump lyk a Chinese Vampire in a row to the main entrance... Initially, they have to dance "Dun Cha" but they were very shy... So James made this suggestions...

The whole BBQ started off at around 4 smth, the games committee went back straight after we got the stuff back from the games... We took a cab back because there is seriously too many stuff and too heavy... We bought 5 packets of Otah (total 100 sticks), 3 packets of Chicken Wings, 2 bottles of Marinate (Teriyaki & Red Wine + Garlic), 1 bottle of Red Wine, Containers and etc... The BBQ started off, and X.Z came earliest among the guests...

While I was barbequing the foods together with Kelvin who stood beside me and keep bickering with me and Zhen De and Li Ping across... And we all sabotage Xiu Zhen, we put all the foods we are done cooking onto her plate... And just then, I receive an SMS from Joleen "Hey gal.. Happy 1st spiritual birthday! :)" I was very surprised and thought I saw the wrong name... Later on, I started having strange questions like, do u like Oreo or Chocolate and later, I really thought they just order my birthday cake... Later on, when Joleen reach, I asked her how she know it's my spiritual birthday, she told me because she is psychic...

We celebrated the Miao Hui's birthday then they went off... Just then, everyone ask me to go to the table and I went off... Just then, they said James had something for me, and they started singing the "Birthday Song" to me and Joleen passed me the birthday cake which I was completely surprised and stunned and do not know how to react... They made me to make wishes and must say out one, but seriously, I really do not know what are my wishes... So later on, I just made a wish whereby I want to rise up...

Later on, I cut the cake and Hui Yin, Joleen (whom I have been waiting for a long tym to hear her affirm me-to be honest), Kelvin, James, X.Z, Jasmine and L.P affirm me... I am quite encouraged by their affirmation and honestly, I didn't expected all these... Only regret is that Leanne wasn't around, she have to teach tuition till 10pm and by the time she come over is already rather late plus she is not well... Thus, I suppose it's only better that she go home and rest early instead of rushing over... But nevertheless, the sabotage of Fear Factor plan is still around and left fulfilled...

Hmmm... Rather worried for her also, and I really hope that her flu is recovering instead of other... Will definitely keep her in prayers... And also Yoke Ling... Really thanks alot for all the efforts for this birthday celebrations... Especially thanks to Joleen who went to bought the cake... No wonder, I was still wondering why is the DMM coming to the BBQ suddenly, at first, I thought it was just attending an event and since they were suppose to have DMM meeting and I am here at the Chalet being one of the Committee... But was really encouraged by their attendance...

And now that I am back home nest, I am really tired yet still need to attend to some stuff... Ace's birthday is coming, and her birthday happenly to falls on 19th of April, same as a person whom my ex timer me with and this person is none other than Alvin Lee Bing Ru... Hmmm... wondering what shall I get for her... Got quite close to her since the Chalet also... Used to be quite afraid of speaking to her, but due to some coincidence, we spoke to each other and I found her a very approachable leader and is quite a nice person to speak to too...

It's a enjoyable and memorable yet tiring night...

Just came back from an memorable Chalet. Sunday afternoon, brought a girl to doctor before taking a Cab down to Ang Mo Kio to fetch Li Ping then move on to Sengkang to meet Vincent to help him carry some stuff down to Downtown. Upon reaching, Li Ping and I had a discussion on the Games plans while Joel, Jia Sheng and Chen Wei just sat there to play and sing on their own. Vincent and Zhen Hui went to settle the other guys (their visitors). It was fun, Joel sang along with the the MP3, it was high and fun...

Later on, when we started preparing for all the BBQ stuff, the sisters started coming in. We started the BBQ as planned and everything goes well. Something happens in between but quite senstive so I shall no reveal here. Later on, our Miss Leanne finally reaches because she overslept and miss the bustop till Changi Airport. Can't blame her also, I suppose because it's due to her flu and she is not well thus she feels tired easily. But nevertheless, she bullied me lyk mad when she reaches the Chalet.

First, she keep talking and talking until I made her to go into the room and she just walk lyk a blur sotong with a sense of directions. Later on, when she wanted to pass me the money for the Chalet, I told her I paid for her already and she stuff the money into my collar from the back. And from there, the whole night here and there, we were playing catching... Even had an short wrestling at the bed when she bit me... But it's alright because I didn't feel any pain at all, even her struggles, aiyo... Is so damm weak...

Later on, we got tired of the wrestling, she just took the money and she keep pushing it to me and I push it back to her. And of course, I realize that she is scared of being tickled also because she struggled quite violently. We went out to eat, and she drank, I pour hers into mine because I didn't want her to drink and of course with a reason, because she is not well. No matter what she do and say, I just keep stopping her to drink but eventually, I know she did drank secretly because she asked someone to pour for her beneath the table, so that I can't see because I was at the pit barbequing for the rest. So in estimation, I drank qutie a amount bah, but I am dead sure, I am not drunk.

I drank her share and mine, drank an additional bottle of Barcadi, which is like quite nothing to me but although I feel abit giddy, I know what I am doing and where I am. I may seems to be drunk, but I am not. Standing in front of the pit with all the heat hitting on my face, naturally, my face will be red. After Leanne ate her share, we went to the room and she went in first bcux I was cooking... When I went in, she was already sitting next to my bag and of course, by then, I really didn't expected much because I didn't know that she noe which is my bag.

I rest there, then she pulled the movable bed out and dragged me on it. I passed her the jacket that I bought for her, she took out and told me it's nice then asked me whose is it... I told her it's for her and she asked for what, and I told her because I always see her in the same jacket so wanted to wear smth new. She was quite glad about the gift bah. She went off around 2 plus, Ace and I sent her off.

*Will Update asap-I am tired and dozing off le.*

Stressful Times...

Rite now, I am going through one of the most difficult points of my life. Somehow something is wrong with me but I have no idea what is wrong with me. Anyone who are really observant, will realize my temper and patience got very bad lately. I have no idea what has gone wrong with me, even towards someone whom I have never dared to throw tantrum at, I showed attitude towards that person.

I hate myself alot! I dun lyk how I behave now and I dun lyk my own attitude!

Insults...

I suppose I am really a gread baddie in the past, I regret alot about my past but there's no turning point. I dun know whether I am condemning myself or wad but alot of times, I feel so bad about myself especially about the stuff that I have done in my life.

7th of April marks the day I come to faith, time flies, 1 year le. I am a turning 1 year old in Christ and this is definitely something interesting but I dun know whether I feel excited about it or not. I came to faith after I was being psycho to go Church by a little girl who change my life completely and is now hiding in Youth Ministry of Hope. Through her, I see how God works on me and brought me to His arms and I am very thankful especially to have this girl in my life once again.

I learnt that everyone will face rejections, even Jesus faced when He came down to Earth to the people. It wasn't easy for Him but He trust that He should overcome evil with Love. And overcome evil with Love has being my biggest principle of life right now. Somehow, upon facing certain people, I find it hard to apply this principle. An person whom I mention in the previous entry, B, somehow, I seriously think that there's some problem with us. I tried to mend the relations between us, but the bondings between us has really caused alot of problems.

I guess if departure is the only solution for both of us, all I can do for her is to leave her before she leave me. At least, it will bring her lesser misery and she won't go through tat kind of struggles again. I know leaving me years ago, she had alot of struggles, and now, I know very well that she is having struggles about to tell me her feelings or not. Perhaps I am wrong in some areas, especially indecisive and flickering mindset but I have never meant to hurt anyone.

I suppose and I can really see myself being badly affected in alot of areas since Cassie's death, my temper got very bad, my patience got the minimum limit and just a little thing, if slightly provoked, I will just explode and start showing attitude and hurting people even my loved ones with my harshness. So far, quite alot of people has being hurt by my tantrum, Jasmine, Li Ping (at times) and some other friends, I really wanna apologize. I am sorry but I just couldn't control myself.

I dun like it too when I hurt people especially my loved ones, I hate myself for being like this but I just find it hard to control myself. Maybe is because I am under extreme stress, burdens, lack of rest and I am sick...

I have to go out a short while. Continue again later...

The pain is still there... I realize I am really a flirt baddie...

说再见别说永远再见不会是永远
说爱我别说承诺爱我不需要承诺
不后退就让它心碎宁愿孤独的滋味
不被了解的人最可悲反正爱不爱都有罪
要走也要擦干眼泪
别问爱过多少人在一起的人
只问爱你有几分
别问太多的伤痕如果不懂伤有多深
别问最爱我的人伤我有多深
现实总是太残忍我早已付出了灵魂

People come and leave in our life. Whether we like it anot, they will come into our life and leave us eventually one day. All along I have seriously thought that I have get over my Dad's death because I no longer dwell about it but through Cassie's death, it triggers everything back once again. And made me realize that I have all along been deceiving myself, I choose to escape and avoid the issue and decieve myself when I felt the pain but I have never once get over it.

"Stairway to Heaven" is the Korean Series which changed me quite alot with regards to Love and is an series which I used to remember a person in my life. This person, I dun noe whether she mind if I reveal her name here or not, but just in case, dis person is none other than B and is someone who went down to Admiralty Mac with me a few nights ago to meet Xiu Zhen, Hong Koon, Li Ping and Jasmine. Let me explain why...

Everything memorable happens when I am stuck in between her and another ex, J. The song, especially, "Miss You" the lyrics will always touches me and will always trigger off the pain of missing this person. This person, although she is nt the 1st love of my life but is the 1st relationship which started off officially and is someone who showed me the meaning of loving someone. She is someone whom is rather important and influence me alot of stuff. And this series and this song just simply never fails to remind me of her and our story.

I really didn't expected myself to be her 1st love, and it's really very surprising. And somehow, the bonds between us, have never been severed even as we went separate ways these few years. The farmiliar feeling is still there, but I suppose it's quite out of question for both of us to get back together. The bonds is still there but everything has just become past and history.

I dun deny that this relationship with her did hurt me quite badly espcially when she left without saying goodbye but never mind, at least there aren't any grudges between us.

And for now, as I am trying to get over Cassie's departure from my life, I am determined to get out of my Dad's death together with Cassie's... It is not going to be easy, I may be abit abnormal now but I will get over everything and eventually move out of everything... Meanwhile, my attitude may be mad, my behavior and etc may be abnormal, but bear with me for the time being, I will be okie after venting everything out. As for now, the mask is there and I dun know when I will remove this mask from my face...

Pretence...

http://profile.imeem.com/S8hpUMd/music/W-cCvqzF/jolin_jia_zhuang/

Dis song has been the song which Cassie has been listening to lately, I have no idea if she want to return because of Love or because of some other stuff.

It wasn't easy for me these few days especially to cope with this incident but thank God for a few people in my life, Leanne, Li Ping, Jasmine (who was dere with me when I got the news), Hong Koon, Xiu Zhen and Bao Ling who eventually learnt the news and stayed by my side too. I had wanted to leave the camp by then, but I asked myself, "Why am I sacrificing my opportunity to go Beijing with my team to come this camp?" And of course, knowing the answer I choose to stay behind despite the burning pain inside and how hard I am trying to maintain cool.

That day wasn't a easy day for me, especially during the teaching, I have no idea how should I concentrate because my mind was on Cassie. It was wrong of me to be doing so, but the news of her death is just too sudden and too distracting. Someone whom I have been speaking to, whom I have been bickering with here and there, whom have always been there to tolerate with my tantrum is now lying there, motionless and cold forever...

I tried to convince myself, tried to persuade myself, tried to counsel myself, tried to get myself out but why is it that this maze seems so long and the path is just never-ending. I have no idea how am I going to get myself out, perhaps with God leading my hands out or carrying me on His back because I am really tired...

Jux managed to recover from Flu before camp reaches, and now after Camp has ended and this coming weekend having Chalet, my flu is back once again. Looking at the Herbal Tea which Li Ping never fails to buy for me when I am sick, the sweet which Leanne bought, I just dun feel like consuming them. I know if I want to recover fast, I have to finish drinking it and of course with Leanne's sweets, but I dun feel like consuming them now. Leanne took a sip of the herbal tea during Theme Night, and she experience the bitterness of the herbal tea by then. She couldn't take the bitterness, and wanted me to faster recover if not, she will have to keep on drinking it to make me drink.

Was touched by Leanne's action when she drank the sip, to make me drink though the tea was really bitter beyond words description. Chalet is this coming Sunday, so far, none of my CG girls are going, I guess probably due to the re-opening of school or work. Am in-charge of Games with Li Ping and so far, still under discussions for Game. Haix... I suppose burying myself with work is one of the ways which I can use to distract myself from thinking of Cassie. It wasn't easy to cope with the loss of an loved ones, especially one whom you feel bad about and one who have contributed alot to your life.

From today onwards, she will live in my memory bank forever and forever there will always be a corner in my heart, carrying her best wishes with me. I have chose to keep all the stuff which will reminds me of her, her presents to me all at her room instead of mine. It's nt because I wish to sever all ties with her but I just wish to just keep everything to our past and story which have ended today.

I am still wearing a mask in front of people, I believe one day, God will remove this mask from me and I will eventually get over everything and move on from here. This is a bad and great fall, but thank God, I am still in God's will upon defeating the temptations. And now, my humorous is to hide my pain, there is this phrase, 'zhi wo cui mian" which can greatly describte what I am doing now. Knowing that this mask wun last long, I still choose to hide myself. Leanne and Li Ping told me to be real, there's no need to hide my emotions in front of them and God but still, I can't bring myself to just burst out in tears in front of them.

When I eventually cried during the Theme Night, I told Hong Koon that I wished Leanne and Yoke Ling would be there to hug me but still, I am thankful that she was there with me. This mask is tough to remove, and I believe God will take it away from me as time goes by and I will eventually be the real me in front of people around me... It's tough to walk on, let me recover before I move on...

Don't Say Goodbye...

Today I am sending off someone dearly to me, it was really a very painful experiences for me... Through her journal, I realized she dedicated "不公平" to me and the lyrics really shatters my heart...

走了那麼遠　發現你不在身邊獨自走過了什麼　自己都不了解未來的藍圖應該有你　不該只剩嘆息　只是偶爾淚流不停堅強的理由　只是自己騙自己你眼中的恐懼　說什麼都多餘付出的一切值不值得　永遠不會有答案只有天知道我有多麼愛你一顆心屬於一個人　在愛情裡什麼算公平而當傷已傷了深　是不是催眠了自己一顆心屬於我自己　愛情裡找不到公平而當你最後選擇了逃避　我學會不公平

I seriously didn't know that I put her through such pain... I chose to escape, because I let her down and I dun wish to drag on the relationship. Maybe I didn't handle the relationship well, but seriously, I was still young and ignorant by then.

"Do Something" by Britney Spears has been the song which she got me crazy over her and now that she is gone, this song plays repeatedly inside my mind. Though during the relationship, we wasn't really able to be together like couple whereby spend time together but she will always compromise to my timing. She work at night in club, thus, daytime is her resting time but she choose to sacrifice her sleep, just to accompany me. During that relationship, I spend all my nights in club to enjoy myself with her while she is at work, or to wait for her.

And now that I have send her off, that kind of memories are just like chains on me, it hurts alot but I know I have to get over everything. "Bleeding Love" is the very last song she dedicated to me. She is really silly... The funeral was especially memorable. It was after I arrange for all her funeral etc, then I realize it really wasn't ready to prepare for an funeral. I gave her an decorations of pink and white rose, pink (her favorite color) and white is my favorite. She told me this before, "though it seems quite impossible, but if there's a day when you will marry me, I want our wedding to be decorated with pink and white roses."

This isn't an wedding but her funeral, knowing that I can't fulfill this dream of hers, this is all I can do for her. Love songs are played, and I made it seems like an wedding than an funeral, this is all I can do for her lastly and I know very well that she wouldn't want her funeral to look like one. Since I know her, she will never failed to amaze me, she dun like to do things normally, even her dressings, all are in abnormal style because she wants to be different from others. Therefore, I suppose this is one of the abnormal things that I can do for her.

I am glad that her Mum and Sister are on my side, and of course, I will continue to take care of them as promise... Though till now, her Mum still refuse to believe that Cassie is gone, but it's alright, slowly as time goes by, I will work together hand in hand with her sister, Candy to help her Mum accept Cassie's death. It's nt going to be a easy journey to finish and walk on, but nothing is impossible with God. Like what Leanne has said, maybe this would be a good opportunity for me to bring them to faith and let them know who God is.

And of course, today as I send Cassie off, it marks the end of the story between me and her and it's time for me to really start everything anew... It may not be easy but I suppose time will heal all wounds...

Cassie-Leave me well, be happy... I am sorry...

This entry is especially for Cassie, someone whom have left me on 30th of March afternoon without saying goodbye. She left me with no chance to apologize to her, it's too late for regrets and for any nonsense because she is gone for good.

Cassie,

I hope you are happy at this moment, though I didn't managed to fulfill your last wish for you, I will always remember your love for me. Though it's really too late for me to even apologize but rite now, there's no turning point le. Time can't change back, and we can't go back to the past anymore. What I remember now of you, is that cheerful, caring, understanding, playful and loving girl and I know that I will be remembering this side of you till the end of time.

Though we can no longer be together, I believe you will understand my reason de. Perhaps like what the others say, it's all too late but what matters is that both of us know that we do mean something to each other. Maybe I didn't say out but you do plays a important part of my life. I really appreciate all the love and patience that you have gave me, and I really treasure our memories.

Goodbye, I will live on strongly and happily de.... Though it's nt easy to accept your departure, but I believe God has bring you away from me for a reason. All I can do for you is the funeral arrangements, I hope you like it whether you can see it or not. Accepting your death is not a options for me but a must for me. I will live on for the sake of you, I will live on well...

Tym heal all wounds, but will it carry away the pain?

I am taught that God will heal all wounds, and I know with faith, God will heal all my wounds. Last night, went to Admiralty Macdonald to meet Jasmine, Li Ping, Hong Koon and Xiu Zhen with Bao Ling. It was rather weird, when I went down there, they kept laughing and even crack a joke, telling me that Xiu Zhen is my shepherd which is a April Fool's Day joke. They find it funny but somehow I dun. And later, they kept on laughing about some stuff I guess I missed out, and it's my 1st time to see Xiu Zhen to laugh until so madly but it's definitely great to laugh than cry bah.

They told me alot of stuff, which to be honest, I have really tried to apply them to myself but I suppose, I still can't really absorb in. I know they meant good and I know they wanna help me. Leanne spoke to me after I got home, we chat on MSN and she told me alot too. I really know that God will never put us through trials which we can't get through, I know He have His own reasons to put me through this and I know I should have faith in Him to show His purpose. Perhaps He want me to testify, to get through and then help people who is also facing such pain.

He want to strengthen and build me up, but anyone out there know how tough it is to really get over and move on. I know that it's too late for be remorseful, regret and to apologize because that will not bring her back, but still, it's normal to feel remorseful, regret or to apologize bah because I have emotions. Though all these loved ones told me not to blame myself, lyk what Leanne said, she have to be responsible for her own life. But one thing, I can't deny that I contribute to the factors which pushes her to this 1-way route. I know I have to get out of this to move on, in order to continue to grow and soar.

My promise towards Leanne, to grow in Christ lyk a Cactus, to withstand all circumstances and extremes, have I kept to this promise? Why is it that I am still so badly affected by this incident and I seems to have forgotten about this promise. Cactus, I gave her a pen of Cactus and I had a Cactus on my table, which is given to me by Hong Koon. All these should remind me always, but why am I still like this? On the theme night itself, I affirm Leanne that I will definitely keep to the promise made to her on her birthday, but why is it that I am still struggling?

If I have faith, I shouldn't be struggling and just surrender all to God but why am I still struggling? Have I really just turn a deaf ear against to what Hong Koon, Li Ping, Jasmine, Xiu Zhen and Leanne said? What should I do? I gave myself a deadline, I must get myself out of this whole incident by that day. I dun wish to dwell, I dun wish to continue such life in sorrow and pain and guilt. But one thing I can't deny, I really can't forget what I have done to her, to be cruel and harsh to her when she needed me and I can't forget what I have read in her computer dairy. I may not be the ultmate person to cause her death, but I contributed to her death...