God, are u working on me?

2nd Day of the Arete Camp, I woke up at 7am, snooze the alarm and wake up only at 7.30am then Xiu Zhen asked me to wake the rest of the CG up because she have to go off le. I woke the rest up, went to Downtown with Hong Koon and came back.

Went for the workshop on "Temptations" and it was on Youth getting involved in Pre-Marital Sex. Though it wasn't quite applicable for me, but I believe God have His own reasons for bringing me into that workshop. Whatever He wants me to be there for, I shall entrust myself completely to Him without any doubts.

And now, I am blogggin before I set off with my CG for Golden Mile Complex.

Arete Camp (Day 1)

Wow! Today is the 1st day of our Arete Camp! It's great! I was late due to some stupid stuff, have to host a band footdrills test. Reach the Golden Mile Complex at around 2 plus. When I reach there, they were close to having teaching, Leanne was briefing the camp. Soon, Pastor Jasmine started the teaching. It was a great teaching, "A Sanctified Life" and I have learnt really alot. Repentance, Shuwb which means to turn back and retreat from mistakes and sins. Guilt is just when you escape from the eye of God and even leaders, to prevent punishment and judgment.

A few verses which really touches my heart

"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"

Mattew 16:26

What does this verse means? Or how does this verse applies to me? In fact, alot of times, I will ask myself what is the reason why am I striving or working so hard in Music area. Am I really after fame? Am I after my passion? Or am I just doing something for the sake of creating out a name of myself in this world. Alot of times, I will relfect on my motives before making sure that I won't do anything that doesn't glorfy God. Because so what if I created a name out of this world, having fame, but what I have in soul is just a empty shell.

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

Mattew 26: 41

Temptations is everywhere, even rite now in this camp.

I am tired but...

Jux finish reading Leanne's Blog. Realize quite a few stuff, wow, hers is really real mature and kind of adult format whereby mine still abit childish... Haha... I am still YOUNG... =p

What is life all about? Is it all about pursuing Fame, Career, Money, Romance, Pleasure or Title Shot? Life is brittle, upon facing death, we are nothing but just dust which will be swept across helplessly. Whether you are Christian or not, no one can escape from death. Recently, I had an ex by the name, Cassie has been admitted into hospital and in fact until now, she is still in coma. I have no idea what to do, to make her condition improve. I know I am the reason why she is lying there, but other than loving her in the way she want me to, I can do all the other stuff for her.

Life is been given to us by God, He created us in His image but all of us have fallen short of the perfect standard and we sinned against Him. Even when we failed Him, when we turned our back against Him, He still loves us and still bring us back to Him. No one on Earth loves us as much as God do, Jesus is God's greatest present to His children, us. A perfect man, Jesus died on the Cross to redeem us from our sins, the punishment which is death. Why did he done so? It's out of Love.

Love, some are selfish when it comes to Love and that includes me. Not wanting to share with anyone, alot of time, I hurt the person whom I love and who love me. And because of this reason, I didn't want to get into relationship but still, I got into one after another. I didn't know what was my destination in the relationship, I claim and I always tell the person whom I am in a relationship in with, I love them but do I really love them as much as I am suppose to or shall I ask how much do I know about Love?

Alot of times, I will always tell a particular person in my life, that I am willing to sacrifice everything even God just to show this person how much I love. But after some time, I realize that was a very stupid thing to say because I dun know what is Love at all. Love is not when you said that you are willing to sacrifice everything, but Love is when you know that you sacrifice something to make the person you love happier and not adding to the person's trouble, unfortunates or etc...

Love is when you contribute endlessly without complaining that you are not getting anything back in return. Love is when you are willing to sacrifice your time and just give all your attention to it. And because I love, I am here, helping and leading a team of people for Deco for my unit. It's a great chance to learn, interact, self-test and even to experience something different. I have never tried to do something patiently with my hands because I find it irritating and that's why I am not a Art Student but I managed to trim myself to sit down with my people and crack our skulls together to create a "perfect" props.

In fact, I feel very honored to be given the chance to be overseeing the girls for the deco because I never expected it but still, I am very thankful that mostly coorperate with me. And though, right now, we are still not complete but we are just a few steps to our destination of completing all that requires to be done. I suppose and I believe that our props may not be great but will assist the drama to win and outshine the rest. We shall be the highlights for the Talent Night.

Since I can't help by contributing in the Choir due to an flu which came at the very damm wrong timing, which have badly affected my singing. And I am currently still deaf on my left, though it doesn't affect my daily life much but still, it bothers me alot. I am touched by all the love, care, concern, understanding given by my team these few days. As I was juggling my time, travelling around, going to the hospital and here and there, sometime would even be late to meet them, but still, they forgive me and help me to ensure the props are being done smoothly.

I am very proud of my team of people, though we have fun and sometime do delay abit of the time for the completion but still, when it's time to be serious about work, I am very glad that they all done a great job in helping me to finish all these props. It wasn't easy but with the perfect teamwork, understanding and not forgetting the prayers by our loved ones and dear brothers and sisters, we managed to cope through.

I am tired, still recovering from my flu and I hope to recover asap because I dun wanna to go camp with my nose like this. But still, because I love this unit of mine, this care group of mine, I wanna contribute something which is within my ability to do so, I wanna help Yoke Ling with something which I can, to help her share the workload and encouraging her.

Yoke Ling, dun thanks me, thank God for bringing me to you bah. You were there for me when I was down too, you didn't give up on me when I gave up on myself and you gave me lots of useful advices. To me, you are just like a great friend whom I know that you will always and forever stand by me, and running this race with me. You are a great nice, caring and kind girl, I am glad that God have bring you to His court to serve Him with His giftings to you. You are definitely a talented Artist to me. Be looking forward to more great remarkable workpiece from you. :)

Though this race may not be easy, I always like to tell myself and my loved ones that God will make a way when there seems to be no way. True enough, just when I thought that Joyce and I will never be talking, in a same lift and kind of on good terms, God shows me that it is possible and it happen on 22nd of March.

I took the same lift with her, she indirectly speaks to me in the lift (dun wanna explain in details cause it's quite silly) and kind of keep thanking each other. I realize she wasn't as bad as what I thought and indeed, I admit that I am slowly accepting her, changing my views of her and knowing that she is a leader who is worth me learning from. She is quite a remarkable person in Youth Ministry, I heard about her excellent leadership reputations and I have witness them myself. Of course, I do hope that through Hong Koon, Joyce and I will be on good terms instead of the awkward terms in the past.

And of course, for a few stuff with regards to my personal life. I have no more wish to clarify anything which I think there's no point doing so. Therefore, whatever those rumors says or slanderers who like to go around to slander about me, I dun wanna care anymore because I know that God knows the truth and one day, He will return justice to me because He loves me. For better or worse, I know that for sure, no matter what happens in my life, God will be with me always because He loves me...

I am pissed and tired...

Why is it that 2 Human Beings can really find it hard to communicate with each other at times? And mostly when we are trying to clarify something, the more we try to clarify, things will get worsen at alot of times. I dun understand why is it so hard to communicate with each other or to even understand each other heart to heart and not judging by anger or what you simply think at that very moment.

Had a long day today, were late due to some stuff in Hospital, my ex, Cassie is still in coma, condition, not much improvements but I believe she will wake up soon...

Reached Bras Basah late because of the delay, the Mac which I went with Denise to had a great talk about my relationships. I still rmb every single details of that day. =)

Everything was still okay and the most memorable was when I was stuck in City Hall with my girls, not knowing whether to go AMK or to go C.W but end up, we still went C.W to Stephen's house. Wow, he stay next to my God-Daddy's house, which is juxt next blk, not unit... We spent 3 hours plus to finish a Cross which we are rather proud of... And for the left over props, we have to do our very best and I believe with the team, I am able to finish everything by deadline...

DI mux outshine all the other units, we must win and definitely we will... With all the preparations that have made, all the hard work, and prayers, I believe we will have rather flying colors results... Results is not important but what matters most is the process, the bondings we have with each other, the teamwork and the lessons learnt... Therefore, I just wanna say, I treasure this very 1st assignment since I join DI, to take charge of the Deco with Stephen, I feel proud of this whole team and especially the Cross. Though the journey and process of completing it wasn't really easy but thank God, we managed to pull through with all the teasings, laughter and playing...

I learnt alot through this whole assignment, though now is only half complete and another half must die die complete by tomorrow, I believe by God's grace, I shall be able to finish all of them with my great team... And let's hope the process will be smoother and we will produce remarkable props for the drama team and with every single one who play a part in this whole performances, we shall outshine the rest.

And just to clarify something, because the time left for the finishing of props is just 1 day, I have decided to just invite a few Sisters to my house to complete the leftover undone props. If you are not chosen or invited, please do not feel that we are kicking you aside or etc. My house is not a big one, and in fact, we will be doing the stuff inside my room. Because right now, I shifted a 1-seat sofa into my room, thus, I can't afford to have too many people in my room. Beside, from what I can observe today, it's not really conducive with too many people working on 1 stuff at the same time.

I know everyone want to do a part for the props, but from what I can observe today, I know who are the ones who really contribute and who are the ones who just kind of being forced. I made myself clear during the meeting that I dun and won't force people to attend if they dun intend to, all they need, is just to inform me. I won't mention names but I see the effort which we all really put in, in completing the Cross. I am proud, very, to say that I play a part in completing this. I will reflect on my part, on whether I have been leading this team well or what are the areas which I need to grow in. I know I was late and this isn't something good but I sincerly apologize and it won't repeat again because in fact, I hate to be late.

And of course, I welcome all suggestions, feedbacks and etc. It's my 1st time leading a team in dis church, it's a good experiences and I learnt alot. I know I still have alot of areas to breakthrough and grow in, I will do my best of course, to soar the very best and with God, I know it's possible.

What am I suppose to do to help dis sleeping beauty?

I realize it's always too late to wake up and know that you have done something wrong or you have passed by something which may results you to regret for the rest of your life... And this is something which have recently happen to me...

I had an ex, by the name of Cassie (short) and I knew her when I was 16 on a Christmas night at Boat Quay together with a group of secondary school friends and even when I am with another ex by the name of Jacelyn. She used to be a girl full of joy and despite the fact that her life was in a mess at that time, she is always full of joy, courage and will inspire me to move on even when I was feeling down. She is always there for me, when I am troubled and tired but never once am I there when she needed me.

Even after we got together, I failed her times again and have only disappoint and hurt her but she will always forgive me and continue to stay by my side to love me. Maybe in alot of people's eyes, she is just a girl who work in those indecent places thus, that makes her indecent too but I have never thought of her like this before. To me, she is no difference with other girls, and I knew that she is someone who love herself and will protect herself. Though I always got sensitive about her job, I knew that eventually, I still have to accept her and everything about her including her job.

She did all that she can to compromise as according to my wish, force herself to go places with me which I knew she dun like, watch movies with me which she dun understand, listen to music which make her doze off yet she still accompany me through all these because she wanna spend time with me. When I am sick, injured, she will always be there by my side to take care of me, endure with all my bad tantrums and no matter how badly or harsh I treated her, nothing could stop her from coming near to me.

We broke up because I went into another relationship with someone else whom I dun wanna mention, and I am the one at fault. Even so, throughout these recent years and months, she have never leave my side for far and will always be at nearby. She know every move of mine and even my recent relationship details which I dun understand why and how she knew. And just on 22nd of March, I eventually lead her to suicide and I really didn't know what have happened to her till I met her sister at hospital.

She was wheel chair bounded due to an accident, she gave up on her life and only hope is that I would return to her, to be there for her, to encourage her, support her and be with her. I didn't know all these, and now she is in coma due to excessive dosage of sleeping pills mixed with drugs and alcohol. What am I suppose to do? It breaks my heart to see her lying there, someone who used to be full of joy, always jumping and dancing around is now lying on the bed motionless... Doctor is unable to conclude whether she is fine or not unless she get out of this coma...

Haix... It seems like and will be a long process to her full recovery, and I really wonder how am I suppose to help her through if she refuse to get herself out of this coma... It has been the 4th day since she got hospitalized and got into coma... I am going tired and weary despite it's only 4 days... My eye bags are getting heavier and worsen alot daily... My flu awhile got better and awhile torture me like mad and I seriously wish to recover asap...

One thing for sure, one day she do not recover, I will not be able to laugh with joy and be at ease... I am responsible for her though I have never thought that she would be so silly to just commit suicide just because I gave her cold shoulder, be harsh to her or keep rejecting her for her request to return to my side... Like what Hong Koon said, it's not worth... Whether is it worth doing so for the sake of me or etc, she is too foolish le...

I dun deny that I still remember those times I had with her, but it's all past and now, my focus is just on my CG, Unit, School, Bands, Choir, Family, Health, Friends (Close), God and of course, to be honest, the girl whom I still can't withdraw out of my heart. Whether it is in whatever form of relations, one thing that nobody can deny is that we are all God's creations and in one family of Christ. As for my relations with Cassie, whatever it will be, I just want her to get out of this coma soon, the rest, we shall just talk after she recover...

This is a life, I have witness how brittle life was, and I know how precious 1 life is to God, I dun wish to just give up on a life like this. And that's why I find myself damm stupid beyond words description to slid my wrist over a "Btihc" who toyed with my feelings, deceive me with her tears and promises. And it's because of her, I become damm sensitive and indirectly hurt a little girl who just want a shoulder to rest on, a arms to be in when she's hurt and someone to be there for her when she needs...

If only time would be turn back, would everything still be at this state for me?

Despite all these misfortunates, I am still glad to be in this CG of mine. Though earlier, I was having some minor misunderstandings, but like what Xiu Zhen said, it takes 2 hands to clap, maybe I should also reflect on myself. Whatever it is, it's all past and I believe through this coming camp, the bondings me and my CG will definitely get closer. And I just wanna affirm my shepherd, no matter how close I am to my spiritual bud, no matter what had happened or may happen, you will always be my shepherd and someone whom I will always treasure in my life. Dun misunderstand when I turn to Leanne, it's different, she is more than a leader to me, but a friend whom I can rest on, and is just a very close friend who is close to my heart and so close till I will always affirm of the promise I had with her, our shared vision.

You and this CG will always be in my heart, and be the one of the most important factors in my life which keeps me going when I am weary and tired. CG is my refuge other than church because I know that whatever that will happen or I may have done wrong in some areas, my CG will always be there for me... And for this, I really appreciate everyone of those who are inside my CG... Whether it is you, my current shepherd who will always protect me and comfort me when I am hurt... Yoke Ling (Lao Ma) whom will give me advices when I am lost, support me when I am discouraged... Hui Yin whom brought me to this CG... Jol whom will always bicker with me, whom I will like to tickle and whom will never fails to bring a smile to my face... Xiu Zhen whom I will always respect, trust and learn from... Even those whom I didn't mention here, all of your are precious to me and this is what I wanna affirm each of you...

It's a long way since my new beginning of new life...

Isn't it a small world? Or too dramatic? We got baptized on the same day, same venue BUT not same time... But still, I am rather glad for her that she would still get baptized despite the fact that if her paretns were to know, she gonna face persecutions... Until now, I still can't forget how that moment feels when I was being baptized... It was drizzling quite heavily too, the water cold and my heart was racing inside...

Upon reaching the pool, I was wondering where is Leanne because I believe she must have been involved too and I hope that she would withness my baptism too. Just then, she appear in front of me, inside the pool with the Label same as my grouping... I was like kind of fainting... I was very nervous, and I believe it was due to the nearing of my new start... I went down the pool, approach Leanne with her arm stretching towards me...

She smile at me, and that warm up my heart... I was asked the 3 important questions, then Leanne prayed for me... Her voice was surrounding my head, I could hear her really loudly and clearly (nt because she is just praying beside me, by my ears)... I was touched by her prayers... And here it is, the important moment, I went down the icy cold water and came up with a brand new start... The first person I saw upon opening my eyes was Leanne, she was smiling to me and she said "Congrats" to me...

On this day itself, I met a great friend and this person is in turn my spiritual bud now, Li Ping... God really works on us in such special way till we both really just can't help but being amazed by the amount of similarities in us... No worries, Li Ping is one of the greatest blessings in my life, no matter what, I believe we will stand strong to each other and help each other overcome whatever that is obstructing our own spiritual growth... We made a promise to soar together up high in God's will and I shall not forget it...

Coming up, hmmm... finally made a very "brave?" decision, meet up with Leanne on 13th of March... Suppose to watch "Step Up 2" but we ended up talking about some problems... Li Ping started first and I shall not share what she said due to it's her personal matters... Then Leanne speak to me privately after she left... Woo! My heart really thumpt out man! That's the most heart racing dinner which I ever have in my life... We ordered the same thing, just that the beverage was different? Hers is Hot Milk Tea while mine is Ice Lemon Tea...

That was definitely a memorable night, it's my first time seeing her with such casual clothings, sweet pink top elbow length and a black shorts with black heels... Hmmm... Of course, I am still wondering when would we be able to watch my movie, "Step Up 2" but I believe soon... I believe she have been quite busy cause I could always see her stoning here and there which is when she is either thinking about something or she is resting... Such a wonderful person... And I am really glad, thankful that she is here in my life...

Hmmm... And now, it's time to share a very frightening and memorable moment in my life... I was lost in a industrial park which I have never been to in my entire whole life... And it was during 14th of March, just a day of my most beautiful day in my life... I was suppose to go Jacob's Place and I am lost somehow... As for the details, I won't mention because it's kind of stumbling... But I really wanna thank God for Abigail, without her appearing at that crucial moment, I am sure I won't make it there to Jacob's Place...

Leanne came late and was chosen to be the one to play the wacko game... Haha... It's really very amusing to watch her play, she kept screaming and of course, I was very emotionally affected by the incident before I reach... But upon seeing her, I just can't help smiling... And after the game, we have our own fellowship... I went to rest on the mattress with Li Ping and Hong Koon, came to talk to us, play with us and of course not forgetting with Felicia too...

My CG was sitting on the Sofa whole night through... They were having fun chatting away... Leanne sat beside Xiu Zhen that night.. Though they were chatting, but could see her stoning here and there... Lols... Just then, James asks us to go to the front to watch sum DVDs... As the show, was really not my type, we switch and watch "House of Wax"... I sat just next to the sofa and was leaning against it while Leanne is just sitting behind my back...

She asked me what show we were watching and knowing she is afraid of watching horror or scary movie, I told her, it's better for her not to watch or she will be scared... But surprisingly, she watched before... I passed her the cushion which I was hugging because I think she would want something to hug and true enough, she hug the cushion... She was awhile chatting and awhile watching and awhile stoning...

That night was made memorable because of her... And of course, I will forgive whatever that is wrong that night but seriously, I have yet get over this incident and I really need time... But still, I am right now rather busy with alot of stuff so please understand if I get abit moody or impatient... I will control myself for the time being... And not forgetting to surrender all to God and let Him take charge of my life... Hopefully through this entry, all will know what happen to me...