Tym heal all wounds, but will it carry away the pain?

I am taught that God will heal all wounds, and I know with faith, God will heal all my wounds. Last night, went to Admiralty Macdonald to meet Jasmine, Li Ping, Hong Koon and Xiu Zhen with Bao Ling. It was rather weird, when I went down there, they kept laughing and even crack a joke, telling me that Xiu Zhen is my shepherd which is a April Fool's Day joke. They find it funny but somehow I dun. And later, they kept on laughing about some stuff I guess I missed out, and it's my 1st time to see Xiu Zhen to laugh until so madly but it's definitely great to laugh than cry bah.

They told me alot of stuff, which to be honest, I have really tried to apply them to myself but I suppose, I still can't really absorb in. I know they meant good and I know they wanna help me. Leanne spoke to me after I got home, we chat on MSN and she told me alot too. I really know that God will never put us through trials which we can't get through, I know He have His own reasons to put me through this and I know I should have faith in Him to show His purpose. Perhaps He want me to testify, to get through and then help people who is also facing such pain.

He want to strengthen and build me up, but anyone out there know how tough it is to really get over and move on. I know that it's too late for be remorseful, regret and to apologize because that will not bring her back, but still, it's normal to feel remorseful, regret or to apologize bah because I have emotions. Though all these loved ones told me not to blame myself, lyk what Leanne said, she have to be responsible for her own life. But one thing, I can't deny that I contribute to the factors which pushes her to this 1-way route. I know I have to get out of this to move on, in order to continue to grow and soar.

My promise towards Leanne, to grow in Christ lyk a Cactus, to withstand all circumstances and extremes, have I kept to this promise? Why is it that I am still so badly affected by this incident and I seems to have forgotten about this promise. Cactus, I gave her a pen of Cactus and I had a Cactus on my table, which is given to me by Hong Koon. All these should remind me always, but why am I still like this? On the theme night itself, I affirm Leanne that I will definitely keep to the promise made to her on her birthday, but why is it that I am still struggling?

If I have faith, I shouldn't be struggling and just surrender all to God but why am I still struggling? Have I really just turn a deaf ear against to what Hong Koon, Li Ping, Jasmine, Xiu Zhen and Leanne said? What should I do? I gave myself a deadline, I must get myself out of this whole incident by that day. I dun wish to dwell, I dun wish to continue such life in sorrow and pain and guilt. But one thing I can't deny, I really can't forget what I have done to her, to be cruel and harsh to her when she needed me and I can't forget what I have read in her computer dairy. I may not be the ultmate person to cause her death, but I contributed to her death...