When you are gone and it's too late to say sorry...

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okayI miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okI miss you
We were made for each other Out here forever I know we were Yeah, yeah
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me Yeah
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

Lyrics from 'When You Are Gone"

Someone is gone... From my life... Someone whom loved me dearly, someone whom have always been there for me, someone whom have always endured with all the pain that I gave her and someone whom always do things for me silently behind my back...

I am a murderer, I killed her indirectly... I dint expected her to be so silly, she commit suicide after I rejected her on 22nd of March before I went for my Service and I got a call after my dinner with my Unit Girls that she has been hospitalized. By the time I reached hospital, her sister told me tt she is in coma and doctor want her loved ones to talk to her, to encourage her and to support her to wake up and to get through... I spoke to her, and I know she heard me because she cried and there was some response... But still, she didn't wake up...

And finally, eventually, she left me eternally on 30th of March afternoon, when I wasn't by her side... She left this world... And I just read all her journal entries in her computer, my heart shatters... She hid so much from me, she suffered alone in darkness and I happily dun noe wad's gg on, thought that she was just being crazy... It's too late, no matter what I wanna tell her, it's all too late...

I dun understand, what is so good about me? Why must she love me to the extend of being such foolish to die for me just to show me how much she love me? I was harsh, cruel and bad to her, when she request to patch back with me and not sparing a thought for her, I shatter her love... I wanted so much to just tell her I am sorry, but it's all too late... When she was in coma, i did and said all that I can... But still, she still left this world...

And now, what else can I do? Everything is too late... There's no turning back... What done cannot be undone... I know I have to get over her death, have to pull myself up strong, so that I can help her family and do what I can do for her but I really cant... I pretended and tried to be happy but I failed... Using a smile to cover up my pain and tears is not something within my abilities, I tried to bury myself with work, with church stuff and even my band practices but all these doesn't work... Images of those memories still come flashing...

So what if I feel remorseful, guilty and regretful? So what if I apologize? She is gone, gone forever and will never return and time will never return back to the same again. What done cannot be undone. Each time I see her mum, I am so filled with guilt, but there's nothing I can do. I am preparing her funeral on behalf of her family, because right now, her mum still can't accept her death and her sister have to look after her mum. And I am being given the treatment like as though I am her spouse on the funeral because her family and relatives know about the kind of relations we once had...

I know that God have His purpose for putting me through all these, but seriously, putting up a smile to hide all my tears and pain is something which I can't apply the same thing to this incident... It wasn't easy for me to get over my Dad's death and now, here comes another death into my life... And it's a death which is caused by my selfishness, harshness and cruelty... I wish and i really hope that time could reverse back but it's impossible, she is gone and this is a fact that I have to accept... Whether I like it or not, she is gone...

I never meant to hurt her, I break her heart when I reject her because I dun wish to destory her future with me, I am not a good person to be with, and I dun deserve her love. She is a nice girl, she deserve someone better and not me. If it's possible, I really wanna tell her that I am willing to do anything and everything for as long as she comes back... Whatever it takes, I really hope to see her smile and hear her laughter again...

I know I have to step out of all these, but seriously, I need time. It's not easy to get over a death of your loved ones and especially someone whom u once being together with, loved deeply and someone whom have done so much for you... Words can't describe how much I wanna tell her that I am sorry for all that I have done and said, there isn't any more romance love between us rite now, but still, I can't deny that there's still some feelings between me and her...

I should have read her blog in her comp earlier... Maybe i still won't patch with her, but I will be able to handle better... I have never expected myself to be so important to someone. I know she love me but I didn't expect her to use her death to show me how much she love me... She left behind de not only is pain, tears but regrets too because regrets is all that is filling me up to the brim now...

And now, just when I am in the mid of her funeral, another ex of mine which I dun wish to mention her name is threatening me with her life too. Why? Why do people dun treasure their life and will always like to threaten me with their life? What am I suppose to do? Am I really that charming or something? Why are my ex returning to me to ask for patch? Why bother to say that you realized my importance and presence in your life when I am already disappointed and dun wanna tot about the past relationship anymore? Why bother to tell me that you love me when you hurt me? And why bother to only regret when it's too late and you use your life to tell me that you love me?

I have lost 1 life, I dun wish to cause another death anymore. Stop and dun threaten me with death anymore, if this goes on, I think I will really go bersek! Life is precious and I have learnt my lesson for hurting myself in the past, everyday and everywhere, there will be people struggling to live on, why can't these people learn the importance of life?

I am really very tired le, please stop using death to make me return to you. If you love me, then dun force me and dun restrict me down with your life. If you love me, then respect me and set me free. If you love me, dun torture me. If you love me, live happily and strong because no one can't live without anyone in this world. Each of us are complete in Christ and God is our biggest and only neccessities in life. Nothing and no one else. It took me a long time to get this logic into my life and now that I understand it, all these happens to me.

M, if you are reading this, forgive me that I didn't tell you about Cassie's death and how Cassie is related to me. It's nt that I dun want to tell you but you know that you a vat of vinegar, a little stuff and you will jux kick a fuss out of it. I dun understand y are you following her steps, using your own life to threaten me. But seriously, I really dun wish anything to happen to you. I saw you yesterday, and I saw all the wounds you have gave yourself because of me, I really wanna tell you that you are too silly. Sorry, that I rejected your kiss, I dun wish to give you false hope and it's really over for that romance relationship. Hug is all I can give you... Sorry...