Pretence...

http://profile.imeem.com/S8hpUMd/music/W-cCvqzF/jolin_jia_zhuang/

Dis song has been the song which Cassie has been listening to lately, I have no idea if she want to return because of Love or because of some other stuff.

It wasn't easy for me these few days especially to cope with this incident but thank God for a few people in my life, Leanne, Li Ping, Jasmine (who was dere with me when I got the news), Hong Koon, Xiu Zhen and Bao Ling who eventually learnt the news and stayed by my side too. I had wanted to leave the camp by then, but I asked myself, "Why am I sacrificing my opportunity to go Beijing with my team to come this camp?" And of course, knowing the answer I choose to stay behind despite the burning pain inside and how hard I am trying to maintain cool.

That day wasn't a easy day for me, especially during the teaching, I have no idea how should I concentrate because my mind was on Cassie. It was wrong of me to be doing so, but the news of her death is just too sudden and too distracting. Someone whom I have been speaking to, whom I have been bickering with here and there, whom have always been there to tolerate with my tantrum is now lying there, motionless and cold forever...

I tried to convince myself, tried to persuade myself, tried to counsel myself, tried to get myself out but why is it that this maze seems so long and the path is just never-ending. I have no idea how am I going to get myself out, perhaps with God leading my hands out or carrying me on His back because I am really tired...

Jux managed to recover from Flu before camp reaches, and now after Camp has ended and this coming weekend having Chalet, my flu is back once again. Looking at the Herbal Tea which Li Ping never fails to buy for me when I am sick, the sweet which Leanne bought, I just dun feel like consuming them. I know if I want to recover fast, I have to finish drinking it and of course with Leanne's sweets, but I dun feel like consuming them now. Leanne took a sip of the herbal tea during Theme Night, and she experience the bitterness of the herbal tea by then. She couldn't take the bitterness, and wanted me to faster recover if not, she will have to keep on drinking it to make me drink.

Was touched by Leanne's action when she drank the sip, to make me drink though the tea was really bitter beyond words description. Chalet is this coming Sunday, so far, none of my CG girls are going, I guess probably due to the re-opening of school or work. Am in-charge of Games with Li Ping and so far, still under discussions for Game. Haix... I suppose burying myself with work is one of the ways which I can use to distract myself from thinking of Cassie. It wasn't easy to cope with the loss of an loved ones, especially one whom you feel bad about and one who have contributed alot to your life.

From today onwards, she will live in my memory bank forever and forever there will always be a corner in my heart, carrying her best wishes with me. I have chose to keep all the stuff which will reminds me of her, her presents to me all at her room instead of mine. It's nt because I wish to sever all ties with her but I just wish to just keep everything to our past and story which have ended today.

I am still wearing a mask in front of people, I believe one day, God will remove this mask from me and I will eventually get over everything and move on from here. This is a bad and great fall, but thank God, I am still in God's will upon defeating the temptations. And now, my humorous is to hide my pain, there is this phrase, 'zhi wo cui mian" which can greatly describte what I am doing now. Knowing that this mask wun last long, I still choose to hide myself. Leanne and Li Ping told me to be real, there's no need to hide my emotions in front of them and God but still, I can't bring myself to just burst out in tears in front of them.

When I eventually cried during the Theme Night, I told Hong Koon that I wished Leanne and Yoke Ling would be there to hug me but still, I am thankful that she was there with me. This mask is tough to remove, and I believe God will take it away from me as time goes by and I will eventually be the real me in front of people around me... It's tough to walk on, let me recover before I move on...