Don't Say Goodbye...

Today I am sending off someone dearly to me, it was really a very painful experiences for me... Through her journal, I realized she dedicated "不公平" to me and the lyrics really shatters my heart...

走了那麼遠　發現你不在身邊獨自走過了什麼　自己都不了解未來的藍圖應該有你　不該只剩嘆息　只是偶爾淚流不停堅強的理由　只是自己騙自己你眼中的恐懼　說什麼都多餘付出的一切值不值得　永遠不會有答案只有天知道我有多麼愛你一顆心屬於一個人　在愛情裡什麼算公平而當傷已傷了深　是不是催眠了自己一顆心屬於我自己　愛情裡找不到公平而當你最後選擇了逃避　我學會不公平

I seriously didn't know that I put her through such pain... I chose to escape, because I let her down and I dun wish to drag on the relationship. Maybe I didn't handle the relationship well, but seriously, I was still young and ignorant by then.

"Do Something" by Britney Spears has been the song which she got me crazy over her and now that she is gone, this song plays repeatedly inside my mind. Though during the relationship, we wasn't really able to be together like couple whereby spend time together but she will always compromise to my timing. She work at night in club, thus, daytime is her resting time but she choose to sacrifice her sleep, just to accompany me. During that relationship, I spend all my nights in club to enjoy myself with her while she is at work, or to wait for her.

And now that I have send her off, that kind of memories are just like chains on me, it hurts alot but I know I have to get over everything. "Bleeding Love" is the very last song she dedicated to me. She is really silly... The funeral was especially memorable. It was after I arrange for all her funeral etc, then I realize it really wasn't ready to prepare for an funeral. I gave her an decorations of pink and white rose, pink (her favorite color) and white is my favorite. She told me this before, "though it seems quite impossible, but if there's a day when you will marry me, I want our wedding to be decorated with pink and white roses."

This isn't an wedding but her funeral, knowing that I can't fulfill this dream of hers, this is all I can do for her. Love songs are played, and I made it seems like an wedding than an funeral, this is all I can do for her lastly and I know very well that she wouldn't want her funeral to look like one. Since I know her, she will never failed to amaze me, she dun like to do things normally, even her dressings, all are in abnormal style because she wants to be different from others. Therefore, I suppose this is one of the abnormal things that I can do for her.

I am glad that her Mum and Sister are on my side, and of course, I will continue to take care of them as promise... Though till now, her Mum still refuse to believe that Cassie is gone, but it's alright, slowly as time goes by, I will work together hand in hand with her sister, Candy to help her Mum accept Cassie's death. It's nt going to be a easy journey to finish and walk on, but nothing is impossible with God. Like what Leanne has said, maybe this would be a good opportunity for me to bring them to faith and let them know who God is.

And of course, today as I send Cassie off, it marks the end of the story between me and her and it's time for me to really start everything anew... It may not be easy but I suppose time will heal all wounds...