I am rather tired about clarifying myself.

I am not sure if I should be rejoicing or feel honorable for the recent un-expectedly bloody attention given to me recently. It wasn't really something which is really pleasing but I suppose I have no alternatives but to face all these stuff bravely and strongly...

Misunderstanding, have being involved in one which rather put me at a extreme awkward position. Hmmm, didn't expected it to involve quite a handful of people in unit also, though nobody told me who are the ones and the names but I suppose, I can guess and expect... Though I have made things clear to one of the messenger (sorry, to have caused such trouble), I hope this is going to be the last time I have to made such clarifications... Because seriously, each time I clarify, the awkwardness is really burning me...

Seriously, didn't expect such misunderstanding too. I suppose I have to really watch my behavior and what I do le. I have told myself to keep a watch of what I do or say le, even if it has to do with others or regards to any matter. Of course, to be honest, I do have the urge to just call off the event which I was initially planning for Christmas, though it has not being finalized or etc, but I do feel like calling off everything...

Dun ask me why do I feel like doing so, but I am just afraid that the un-expected misunderstanding will keep on going if it's going to involve me and the party involved. I am glad that I have even clarify the matter with the party involved, and of course, I really hope this whole misunderstanding won't affect the friendship with the party involved or even with anyone else within the unit. And of course, to save that person from un-necessary awkwardness and pondering of questions, I dun tink it's appropriate of me revealing names here.

Another matter, with regards to the very basic trust which I think I ought to have. Somehow, I dun think I am having the very basic trust which I deserve... I know that this trust will have to be earned, but somehow, I suppose the crack in the relationship is stil there. I can't deny but the crack in the wound that has being caused by the past incidents is still there. We may have reconciled but none of us can deny that we have yet get over those incidents.

In many people's eyes, we seems to have got back to how we used to be, but I know very well that, we didn't. We appear to be very loving and caring to each other, but deep inside, I know that those are not true. Can say that those are just a mask to cover up all the cracks in the relationship. I have no idea what I am suppose to do to heal up this relationship, but seriously, it takes 2 hands to clap. I know that in certain areas, I am still not as accountability as supposing to be, but one thing I can be honest with people reading this blog entry.

There's no way I can be open up to accountability to people whom have hurt me deeply inside and though I appears to be okay with all these, I am seriously not okay with any of it inside. I am still searching for the root problem of this cracked relationship but I believe, all I can do now is to surrendering all to God... God is the healer, and I know that He will heal the pain inside my heart and caused by this relationship...

Of course, seriously I really didn't expect this person to be spreading salt on my wounds when I am already very badly hurt and I thought she would know... Yet, she choose to give me another blow through sms when she know that I have no wish to receive another blow from anyone else...

Am glad that still, Li Ping and someone else is with me when I am seriously dealing with these blows within that night... There's no way, I can give another 2nd chance, because I have really been forgiving for enough chances... Giving 2nd chances has always been something which I find it hard to do, ever since, I have to accept a repeated betrayals, since then, I told myself that I will not allow myself to be hurt again by a lies or betrayals.

Since then, thus, I find it hard to forgive people who will in turn hurt me or betray my trust... I know that for alot of areas, I have done wrong but I am really protecting myself and separating myself from the past mistakes. I dun wish to return to my past, thus, please dun force me to that extend whereby I can do anything which is against my own wishes and intention.

Right now, I am at an major life cross-road which I have to make a few of the major decisions which will in turn affect my career, future and even the rest of my life. Whatever that I decide right now, will determine how my future will be like and what my career will be and even my dreams... Business, Music, Fashion, these 3 major areas have been what I wanna excel in, and of course, I am not intending to give up any of the areas.

And of course, coming up, I will be studying up on Business after I have settled myself down or perhaps gain abilities to be handling Business and Music at the same time. Perhaps this would means I will have lesser time for myself, but I believe my loved ones will support me and most importantly, the person who have been with me all along... I know that staying by my side, enduring everything silently has been quite hard for this person, I know all that this person have done for me and I really appreciate all...

Maturity, something which "you" have been telling me and we have been discussing about this, after I showed "you" the SMS from my students... I believe we should really handle this whole matter in a mature manner, for the past few years, we have not really been mature in handling matters even for this relationship.

19 years old, both of us have turned 19 years old le, I believe it's time whereby we should really be mature in handling this matter. Trust, I know this is one of the problems between us, perhaps I am really been too senstive but I hope as time goes by, this trust will ultimately be there between us... As time goes by, we will definitely build up this trust...