I will learn to make decisions for myself...

Alot of stuff have really happened in my life recently... Had my first shepherding with H.L yesterday, it was really a very fruitful session. Leadership, I knew it was tough and challenging but never did I expect it to be so much deeper than what I thought. The qualities, characteristics which a leader should have, is indeed important, because it do affects the people whom the leader lead. I have gave myself a challenge, to be a leader like how Jesus whom minister to people, spreading the words of God and showing God's love through his actions.

Spiritual life, I have to be responsible for myself, no matter what kind of decisions I make, I will have to bear the consequences for myself. I have got alot of challenges recently, whether in spiritual life, family life or even my relationship.

Family life, I have actually thought of moving out but as I thought about it, it is really not as easy as what I thought. I have to thought of what will happen to my mum too, because I have to protect my mum from that jerk whom I really find it hard to love. However, it's a challenge to me, no matter how hard it is, I have to love the people around me. "Relationship is the basis for Discipleship," and when Jesus was with us 2000+ years ago, people failed him too but still he love the people.

No matter how bad he is, how much mistakes he have made, he is still a lost soul whom matters to God. Definitely, everyone will make mistakes, no one is perfect and I am not in the position to judge him either because ultimately only God have the rights to judge all of us. And no matter what he do, he will have to account to God for all that he have done in his life time.

Relationship, I am confused and stuck with the kind of decisions I should make. Knowing that letting go of the relationship, may be painful but perhaps she will be happier but still I find it hard because each time when I want to let go, something will definitely happen and it's something bad. Recently, I realized I am not as patient as before towards her, I could get angry over trivial matters, get abit impatient when she starts to drag abit or make me wait for some time. I have no idea why am I like this, but I know that absolutely, it is not because the love has faded away.

I am at the cross road, where I have to choose the kind of path I want to lead with her. The kind of vision I see, I guess is much clearer and I know what I want, inclusive the kind of situation we will be, 3 years or 5 years down the streets. We have very different kind of visions about life or even romance, preferences are like north and south pole. Music is my life while game is her life. After all these while, I guess she have showed me further where do I stand in her heart. I am hurt but I won't hide... I know that ultimately, I still have to decide for the kind of future we will both get involved in...

I am amazed by how I could touch someone's heart with this blog of mine...

"Felicia, I am really impressed by how much I could touch your heart with what I have written here. But I am still very thankful to God that He have brought us together in such miraculous way, I believe this is part of His plan for me to bring you back to Him through my story. Life is hard, and being at such young age when we are still exploring and we have to deal with alot of temptations, it is really not easy right? God, He understands what we are going through because Jesus came down to suffer all that we are suffering, bt He have gave up. I know that it's really tough for us to persists on at times, especially when dealing with letting go of memories and making the decision to let go of certain stuff, but it is possible for as long as you made the decision, God will help you through."

I am really amazed at how God has used me in bringing Felicia back, though the process took place at quite late, I am surprised that God has worked in our lives. My frienship level with Felicia is at quite a average stage, we don't hang out together or know each other well to the extend whereby we will talk about anything under the stars. To me, she resembles another friend of mine, Joyce Tan who happens to be the shepherd of Wan Ting (someone who affected my life thoroughly). She is someone whom I think is rather loyal to friends, emotional and is definitely a great team player.

I felt abit confused when she said that my life story is quite similar to hers in some aspect, because all these while, I thought my life story is something which God has put lots of tests which I am really thankful that I have managed to pass through. I am not as strong as what anyone have thought, I am just being strengthen through God. If I am able to do things without God, I wouldn't be here on Earth. No matter how strong I am, I am simply nothing compared to dust when God is in place. I am God's creation, His proudest creation ever, my life wouldn't be made possible without his mercy and grace.

His love, touches my heart through an girl whom I thought I was being used, because of her, I know who is Jesus and God's presence in my life. Because of her, I was being given further strength to overcome my family's persecution and objections to cross the border to be in Christ. And as time goes by, his love has touches my heart and as I know and learnt more about him, I know that no one else in this world would love me to the extend of giving up his precious just to save an sinner who dun deserve it at all like me. He taught me who Satan is, and how scary and ugly sins could be, and how they could actually bring us apart from God and destroy us completely.

No matter is when I am studying, practicing my dance steps, vocals with my team mates, or even now that when I am dating in my relationship, when I had quarrles or even some emotional breakdowns, I am really glad that I have Him in my life. When I had quarrels with my partner, when I really realized that I can't communicate, I really realized without him, I really can't move on. All these things wouldn't be possible without him, and it is Him who will ultimately gives me strength when I am weak, courage when I am scared to move on, and the determination to persists on when I am on the verge of giving up.

And today I discover a new song, "Alive in You" by Hillsong, the music is great, especially the guitar introduction, as attractive as usual. What touches me is the lyrics, it's catchy and it is really a perfect combination with the music.

In Jesus, I am alive and being fresnen up to a new being of God's creation. With him, I am alive and no longer that dead zombie who is covered in sins and the price of blood on my hands. I guess, as my sins are being washed by His mercy and His power, I am really glad to have a new start and to have a clear cut to my past. On 2nd of March, a person came into my life and this person clean me thoroughly, he brought me out from the grave of dirty sins and give me a clean new chance to have a new life, and this is GOD!

I have never regret coming into Christ, my only regret is that I didn't get to know Him early. I will never say that I am tired of God or I learnt too much of His words. I want to know Him more, I want to be with Him till eternally and I just want His love to be over with me always.

I have decided on what I have want and I will persist on...

Life is tough, continuing and maintaining a relationship is even tougher. Before I meet this special one, I really thought that relationship was just like a journey of which you walk with this specific person, and whatever that trip us and make us fall are meant for us to face them together, but I was wrong.

And now, after I meet this special one, I know that though it's hard and chances of success are rather low and challenging, but I would like to really once again proclaim my decision. "Dear, I have decided on what I want, you are the one whom I have chosen to build my dream home together with. We both dream to have a warm, sweet and happy family, I am sure that if we persists on, we can fulfill this dream together."

Maybe right now, there are problems which we have to overcome before we could even have that basic faith in this relationship, but I really hope that no matter how tough, the 2 of us, could really finish this journey together, without regrets and pain again.

As for my life, rather going through ups and downs. No matter how hard I try to convince myself, I really couldn't accept that "extra" family member in my family, my stepfather. He is much naive than what I thought, thinking that my Mum obey him and so naturally, I have to follow whatever he says and go as according to his set of "rules" which seems rather ridiculous.

Girls are not suppose to stay out later than 8pm, Guys are not suppose to even pierce one ear hole, and we are not suppose to bring friends back and etc. What kind of era are we living in right now? Does all these still matters? To me, I would definitely give my kids their own fair share of freedom but at the same time, disciplining them and ensure they know what they are suppose to do and not to do. When it's time to play and have fun, I will allow them to have fun. However, when it's time to be disciplined and enforce the rights and wrongs, I will have to be stern.

Today, dealt with someone whom is not related to me, but in future, if the relationship works out, we are going to be in one family, J.S, who is only around 9 years old this year. He is a pampered kid, who is quite sensible yet naughty and playful at times. I have no alternatives but to use force on him when he keep insisting his way, and even hurt the person whom I really care alot.

Results, hurt my right thumb and now, I can't apply force on it or bend it, 3 scratches on my left arm and bruises on right arm. I could say that, if he is not the brother of whom I care, I would have just given him one great punch on his face to shut him up. Violence, Impatience are stuff which I know I have to work on, and I am really seeking for His help to assist me in overcoming these little flaws of mine. I wish, I hope, I know and I definitely dream that God, my great Father would help me in overcoming all these and end of the day, I will be a proud art piece of my Father Lord.

I am in love with you.

I am in love, but I am not sure if this love is made to last or made to die off. Recently, there's just a major turning point, someone leave the love entanglement and I am finally holding the person whom I love's hand alone. Though I am suppose to feel glad, I feel scared instead.

"Sometimes When We Touch" by Olivia, is a song which I recently gets to hear by accident, a song which reminds me of this love. I know how much she loves me, but I know she loves him more. Though the love between her and him have ended, nobody knows if the love will patch up again. Nobody knows what will happen in future, no matter how much I wish to continue this love, with my effort alone, will it works?

What is love exactly? Falling in love with her has made me braver and stronger, but the more I get out of this relationship, instead of asking for more, I become afraid of losing them all. I have no idea how to prove my love and sincerity to her, whatever I can do/say, I have really done my best. Because of love, I withdraw from a group which I know will worries her, I give her all my free time and whatever which she needs.

I know how it feels to be lonely and in a world of darkness, I let her go through such pain alone once before, there's not going to be the 2nd time. No way, would I allow myself to leave you behind again.

Time flies...

The past is really gone and the new is here. I believe once I finally return to where I belong, it will be a new start in my life and I will welcome the new chapter of my life and spiritual life. With such new chapter, I believe I will rightful walk out of my past and enter the new life.

Am looking forward to the new start of my life, and I am really curious to find out who will be the leads in my life. Of course, I would like to take this chance to truly walk out of my past mistakes, I dun deny that I had greatly made alot of mistakes but this will be the time when I turn over to a new start.

I am thankful for all the concern and love which I have been showered on all these while. "I am really glad for all of ur love in my life, without each of your, I won't be here at where I am now." Someone speak to me lately about my goals and dreams of life, this made me can't help thinking, where can I go from this point of my life cross road.

I am afraid to have the same old things happening in my lfie again, but yet, I know that even if I really fall again, I have to be strong and brave to pull myself up because nothing can defeats me. All these while, I got puzzled too by the kind of route I wanna walk on for the rest of my life journey, I dun know what I want, should I head towards Music or Business?

As for the romance area, I would rather say, I really hope that things will just stay where it is, because the more we try to resolve some problems, more problems erupt. I have really done my best in giving you all my happiness, but would you just receive it and not looking into my small little mistakes.

心痛

我万万没想到一直在我背后说一些无聊的事，导致我碰到了一大堆没必要的麻烦，而这个人当初是我一心栽培和把她带入这个完美的爱。我很失望但也很庆幸，我看清了身边的人，知道谁真心对我好和谁对我是存心想伤害我但却假扮善良。
人类是自私的，往往会为了个人的利益或达到目标，伤害身边的人，甚至自己的好朋友。到现在，我不肯承认这一切是真的，因为真相过然好可怕。我知道在某方面我犯了错，但那也并不代表我不在乎自己所犯下的错。
但每个人都会犯错的，不是吗？为什么我只不过不想再重导自己的错，但为什么过去的错就想锁一样的绑下。有些人会承认自己的错，又有些人却会选着否认，更有些人会把错推给别人。我有是哪一组的人？错并不代表结局，只要犯错的人肯承认自己的錯，勇于面对所有的代价，这个人绝对值得原谅。
人生到底是什么？爱情或友情又到底是什么？人生不应该是个独角戏，上帝给了我们朋友和亲人，就是为了要让我们和别人融合在一起。我身边同样也出现了好多人，无论是课业上，私生或，教会里，都碰到不少朋友。我很庆幸我认识了他们，无论发生任何事，我相信要真真知道谁对我们是真心的，只有到了事情发生了才会知道。
爱情或友情，讲究的不只是感情，信任，付出，也包括相同的梦。“人因梦想而伟大” 或需这句话是对的，但又有多少恋人是真正拥有同有的梦想呢？
或需我已找到这个能够让我想要定下心来的人，但是，我知道我们都还年轻，所以我相信随着时间的流失，我会证明所有的一切。如果到最后，证明是这个人，我会用我这一生来好好爱这个人。

James 1: 2-4

Finally, the ultimate great test to physical and spiritual is here, have no idea if I would be able to go through this trial but I believe by God's grace and love for me, I will pull through everything.

I managed to settle something which have been bothering me for quite some time, and yes, it's my fault for dragging it till this point. Having to drag till this point, it bothers me too, but I have no intention of settling it is not because I am a coward (must clarify) but because expected it all to be emotional.

And thankful that I managed to clear that mess before I made this last step to depature.

It's a tough decision, definitely, but I wun change my mind...

Not long ago, I have finally decided on something which I believe have really troubled me for a very long tym. And I know that this decision has affect the people around me somehow too, I have done my best but all these, I know that I am right because I have no reason to submit myself to please people but to please God.

I have decided to leave the current circle which I am serving in, reason being, I realized I am not moving anywhere. I believe sum will think that I make this decision because of certain people,but I can truly clarify something, though Li Ping is my spiritual buddy, but when it comes to my spiritual life, I treat it more seriously than compared to anything else.

I will never make any decision to do with my spiritual life because of anyone. I believe alot would like to know what causes me to make such decision, it's very simple. I have seriously reflected on my growth, I am not moving anywhere but stumbling from Christ. I have really tried to bring myself into the circle, but I failed very badly. Perhaps moving to another new environment will bring myself better and closer to Christ.

Leaving the circle, I dun bear to leave too but I dun wish to continue to be in a group which I am not growing but falling...

As for personal life, at least till this moment, I feel blessed and loved. Leaving very soon on 14th and yet, I still have so much stuff not settled yet. School, having attachments, family, having lots of stupid matters to handle. And will need to monitor my Mum's mental health too, quite worrying but I believe everything will still in place.

Decisions, made a few major ones recently but I believe, I will not regret any of each.

I know my stand very clearly, other than God, no one else would I follow for the rest of my life. Relationship, I believe quite a few had been quite concernedwith it, but I have my own stand. What I can't deny, I am in love and I know what I am doing. I have a clear mind of what is going on, maybe it seems too early for me to enter relationship, but I won't let this relationship to affect my life, my academic or my spiritual life.

In fact, though it's hard on this person to accept my extreme active social life and tight schedule, this person has been supporting, encouraging and helping me in alot of areas. Even when I dun feel like moving on with my stuff, this person has been one pushing me through. Though we quarrel here and there, we know each other for 12 years and I believe the bonding will not be affected by such.

It

Life is about making right decisions...

Making the right decisions, perhaps is really a hard move of life. All these while, I thought I am capable of taking charge of my life, without seeking advice, but God has faithfully showed me that I have been too arrogant.

I spoke to an sister recently and realize, hey, leading the right kind of life in God's eye. Am now facing an ultimate decision which is going to affect perhaps my life after 3 months. Will be flying off to Seoul after 3 months, I have never been afraid to travel but this is the very first time and I believe God will overcome this fear for me.

This race with Christ has been full of ups and downs. Am really glad that my Mum is slowly opening up to Christ and am even asking me questions about Jesus. And my twins sister is finally agreeing to come to visit and attend service, but still need to arrange up an time with her. I really hope to witness salvation within my family upon my lifetime, this has been a very silly yet possible dream.

As for my mistakes all along, perhaps it's hard to admit but I believe it's time to make an end. As for my relationship with Peok Wan Ting, please stop asking me, because seriously, there's nothing more to say. It was a mistake, because there wasn't love at all, all it was within the relationship was just simply desires and insecurity.

Nevertheless, without her presence in my life, I would not be where I am, therefore, I am really very thankful for her but please, it's over. I have found my happiness and strength,and the courage to move on with life. I won't allow anything or anyone to stumble me, and all I ever want right now is just to focus on my life peacefully.

Linfred, an name which I hold in Union Band, means gentle peace. Gentleness, something which I am trying to cultivate but so far, suppose is still quite far from achievement. Peace, something which I realize is the most important factor lacking in my life right now.

It's really tym for me to move on... Time is running out for me...

Perhaps one must really realize the importance of life when they are near to experiencing or near to the risk of losing it...

After the recent trip to Myanmar, I got so close to the difference between life & death, the kind of pain of witnessing lives departing from your sight is really a very heartening feeling. Though the trip was short, it was long enough for me to truly experience the importance of life.

I saw children crying over the loss of their parents, and adults shedding tears over the separation from their loved ones. This definitely makes me wanna treasure all opportunities to spend time with my family and loved ones too.

Recently, had alot of thoughts going through my mind. However, can say that I have seen through alot. Life is definitely not just about Romance but about Dreams and the kind of life God has want us to lead. Just went to my friendster, and happen to see a very harsh comment left behind by Jing Er. This shows me the ruthless that mankind can get upon not getting the one that they, she is a girl whom I have recently rejected. Perhaps it was my stupid acts and speech that has given her hopes to get together with me, but definitely I have never wanted to fool her.

Never mind, I won't let that comments to stumble me. I dun wanna care so much about how others think about me anymore, because life is definitely not just about living my life for others, to pleased them but to glorify God. All along, I have been really being damm concerned about how others look at me, think of me and even to depend on me. It's time to stop and end everything here once and for all, to truly put God as the centre of my life instead of depending on myself alone.

WIth my strength alone, I really can't take control of matters which are going out of hand. But with God,nothing is impossible,and I believe God put all these matters into my life with a purpose. I will breakthrough of all my weaknesses and truly, all the stupid things that I have done, will have to end now.

Loved ones, I must treasure, but those lost ones, if possible, I will get them into my life but if not, I will not force things but just let things goes as according to God's plans. I believe no one else can destroy me and I shall not let anyone to destroy me. God, I shall surrender fully to you and let you take charge of my life.

It's long and I am flying...

So much have happened recently... But I am glad that I have my loved ones by my side, especially after reading the recent news on all the natural disasters etc, it really triggers me to treasure all the chances to be with my loved ones... No one know what will happen next in future, but I believe God allow all these to happen for a reason...

Yesterday, received the most painful present in my entire life, a love dairy by Cassie. Really didn't expected it, a diary full of pictures of places we went together, foods/drinks we consumed, pictures of us, details of the relationship and even some little love confessions which she wanted to tell me by those times but was shy to do so.... There was a letter by the end, and she wants me to forget her and move on with my life with a smile...

After so much, she proved to me that I am not a good lover, but yet she affirm me that I am one. If I am one, she wouldn't have depart from this world. Of course, lyk what is being mentioned, God allow it to happen for a purpose. Though I dun know what's the purpose, but I believe God will show me the purpose and guide me through.

Of course, I have found the precious loved ones in my life, and I am really thankful for all the precious loved ones in my life. Each of them are dearest to me, I am not going to mention names to prevent outbreak of jealousy, but I believe they know it in their heart that they mean something to me.

Last night had a long night of waiting but it was worth it, because I had a great talk with them (A&L&L) and also Hui Ling when we shared Cab. God really shows Himself to me through these people to inspire me, to encourage me to rise up. I won't just say it verbally or make any affirmation that I will rise up, I will show it through my actions.

I believe most wanna know the reason why I wanna go Myanmar and Sichuan, despite knowing the dangers that I may face over there. It's because I have cost a life to be gone from this world because of my selfishness and cruelty, I wanna use my life to save lifes. I may not be able to do stuff which professionals are capable of doing but definitely, I wanna do a part too. This pair of hands of mine, being given to me by God, I will save lives and help people with it.

I dun know what I will see over there, but definitely I will face all of it with a heart of God. Of course, I really dun bear to leave my loved ones for long, I dun bear, and that's why I instructed, no one is to send me off... I dun wish to leave with a heart not bearing to leave, my decisions are final and I will definitely leave for Myanmar.

Miracles, am expecting to witness and experience them, with faith, I believe God will saves the people... As for my life, alot of ups and downs, but am really glad to have companion of someone dearly to me, (sorry, can't mention name) "you are always there for me, always the first one to worry for me, always the one to wipe my tears away, always the one to cheer me up and always the one to melt my heart."

It's a big tragedy...

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/ap/20080507/tap-as-gen-myanmar-cyclone-20th-ld-write-d3b07b8.html



read the news...



An ruthless storms cruelly swept across the country and destroyed more than thousands of lives and the death rates, believed to be still rising up. Seriously, God is really real and His words stand still and firm despite all these storms, natural disasters sweeping across the Nations. This is a great time for sowing, but yet, this is a really painful incident because alot of people are sufferrings out there and they really need our help.



Compared to them, people living locally are really much more fortunate. Surrounded by neighbouring countries islands, Singapore will not be swept across by Tsunami or any major storms. But seriously, this doesn't means that we should not take precaution, anything can happen and nobody knows when is the end of the world. It could be the next moment, it could be next day, next week, next month or next year.



Perhaps, this incident will be another opportunity for businessman to earn money, but what we are suppose to do to lessen these people sufferrings? I believe there's definitely something every one of us can do a part for them, whether it's through prayers or financially. And personally for me, I might be going over with my school volunteer's group to do a part. It's all under discussion. Because we have been facing alot of bad feedbacks like, the situations over there are dangerous and the circumstances there are not stable yet...

Hmmm, but I shall see...

I am rather tired about clarifying myself.

I am not sure if I should be rejoicing or feel honorable for the recent un-expectedly bloody attention given to me recently. It wasn't really something which is really pleasing but I suppose I have no alternatives but to face all these stuff bravely and strongly...

Misunderstanding, have being involved in one which rather put me at a extreme awkward position. Hmmm, didn't expected it to involve quite a handful of people in unit also, though nobody told me who are the ones and the names but I suppose, I can guess and expect... Though I have made things clear to one of the messenger (sorry, to have caused such trouble), I hope this is going to be the last time I have to made such clarifications... Because seriously, each time I clarify, the awkwardness is really burning me...

Seriously, didn't expect such misunderstanding too. I suppose I have to really watch my behavior and what I do le. I have told myself to keep a watch of what I do or say le, even if it has to do with others or regards to any matter. Of course, to be honest, I do have the urge to just call off the event which I was initially planning for Christmas, though it has not being finalized or etc, but I do feel like calling off everything...

Dun ask me why do I feel like doing so, but I am just afraid that the un-expected misunderstanding will keep on going if it's going to involve me and the party involved. I am glad that I have even clarify the matter with the party involved, and of course, I really hope this whole misunderstanding won't affect the friendship with the party involved or even with anyone else within the unit. And of course, to save that person from un-necessary awkwardness and pondering of questions, I dun tink it's appropriate of me revealing names here.

Another matter, with regards to the very basic trust which I think I ought to have. Somehow, I dun think I am having the very basic trust which I deserve... I know that this trust will have to be earned, but somehow, I suppose the crack in the relationship is stil there. I can't deny but the crack in the wound that has being caused by the past incidents is still there. We may have reconciled but none of us can deny that we have yet get over those incidents.

In many people's eyes, we seems to have got back to how we used to be, but I know very well that, we didn't. We appear to be very loving and caring to each other, but deep inside, I know that those are not true. Can say that those are just a mask to cover up all the cracks in the relationship. I have no idea what I am suppose to do to heal up this relationship, but seriously, it takes 2 hands to clap. I know that in certain areas, I am still not as accountability as supposing to be, but one thing I can be honest with people reading this blog entry.

There's no way I can be open up to accountability to people whom have hurt me deeply inside and though I appears to be okay with all these, I am seriously not okay with any of it inside. I am still searching for the root problem of this cracked relationship but I believe, all I can do now is to surrendering all to God... God is the healer, and I know that He will heal the pain inside my heart and caused by this relationship...

Of course, seriously I really didn't expect this person to be spreading salt on my wounds when I am already very badly hurt and I thought she would know... Yet, she choose to give me another blow through sms when she know that I have no wish to receive another blow from anyone else...

Am glad that still, Li Ping and someone else is with me when I am seriously dealing with these blows within that night... There's no way, I can give another 2nd chance, because I have really been forgiving for enough chances... Giving 2nd chances has always been something which I find it hard to do, ever since, I have to accept a repeated betrayals, since then, I told myself that I will not allow myself to be hurt again by a lies or betrayals.

Since then, thus, I find it hard to forgive people who will in turn hurt me or betray my trust... I know that for alot of areas, I have done wrong but I am really protecting myself and separating myself from the past mistakes. I dun wish to return to my past, thus, please dun force me to that extend whereby I can do anything which is against my own wishes and intention.

Right now, I am at an major life cross-road which I have to make a few of the major decisions which will in turn affect my career, future and even the rest of my life. Whatever that I decide right now, will determine how my future will be like and what my career will be and even my dreams... Business, Music, Fashion, these 3 major areas have been what I wanna excel in, and of course, I am not intending to give up any of the areas.

And of course, coming up, I will be studying up on Business after I have settled myself down or perhaps gain abilities to be handling Business and Music at the same time. Perhaps this would means I will have lesser time for myself, but I believe my loved ones will support me and most importantly, the person who have been with me all along... I know that staying by my side, enduring everything silently has been quite hard for this person, I know all that this person have done for me and I really appreciate all...

Maturity, something which "you" have been telling me and we have been discussing about this, after I showed "you" the SMS from my students... I believe we should really handle this whole matter in a mature manner, for the past few years, we have not really been mature in handling matters even for this relationship.

19 years old, both of us have turned 19 years old le, I believe it's time whereby we should really be mature in handling this matter. Trust, I know this is one of the problems between us, perhaps I am really been too senstive but I hope as time goes by, this trust will ultimately be there between us... As time goes by, we will definitely build up this trust...

New Responsibilties V.S New Identity =)?

Recently started a new chapter of my life, with a brand new identity and new responsibilites. Changes are really painful like what Ace told me, but changes are brought into our lives to enable us to breakthrough and to grow... Though it seriously wasn't easy for me to handle these changes, but am thankful that God has been faithful enough to pull me through and strengthen me when I am shivering with fear.

I used to think that death isn't somthing which is fearful, but after the recent experiences of near escape from death, I realized it's really scary. Just at that moment, if I didn't persisted, maybe I will be happier right now because I will be free, I will be with Jesus but that would means I will be separated from my loved ones which I still dun bear to leave yet. Through this escape from death, I will treasure the people around me even more preciously because they are God's greatest gifts to me.

Heart of problem is the problem with heart, I love this sentence because it shows me what exactly goes wrong when things are done wrongly in my life. I used to be very persistent in pursuing my own rights and of course, my freedom. I dun like to be tied down and maybe this is one bad reason why I was never faithful in any of my past relationships until I was badly and deeply hurt by someone.

Someone asked me a great question recently, "Did Wan Ting give you birthday wishes? Did she celebrate with you?" What should I answer this question with? She celebrated with me with her ruthless and ignorance. I am sure she remember my birthday, because it was written in her personal planner and calendar but of course, expected the ignorance. Yes, I am quite upset bcux I didn't receive her birthday wishes but what the Love which I have received that day has far exceeded the pain I have got from her.

Esplanade Rooftop, my favorite hideouts, a place which I will go when I am upset, angry, tired of life, fed up or happy. Have never expected to have a great night with my loved ones there on my birthday. Previous night, spent it with someone precious to me. It was a very memorable night and though it was short but it was long enough to make me remember forever. And of course, Leanne's birthday song to me, surprised me too. That kind of smile, is the kind of smile which I didn't see for a long tym... That night is definitely a great night for most of us,though Wan Ting wasn't with me.

Right now, am facing choices of life. 2 years later, there is going to be a major decision which I have to make. How the rest of my life is going to be will depends on that very day when I have to make that decision. At the same time, am going to inherite my Dad's inheritance which I am not excited about. Not excited because I dun want to be controlled or make any decisions from there with Money. Maybe some of those which are near me would be excited about this inheritance but how I am going to use this inheritance, I am in fact halfway planning it.

Part of it will goes into my Mum, I know she is not having a easy time to bring us up. She told me alot of stuff which seriously shows me that all these money which I am going to inherite, each cent of it are earned by my Dad's sacrifices and sweat and blood. She dun want me to repeat her mistake and thus wants me to start planning it early. Business, I have being informed recently that my uncle wants me to help out in his company when I am old enough to handle major stuff. Which means, I will have to get myself involved in Business industry when I am 21.

I am only 19 but the stuff which I am handling and planning is already till 21 years old. I know all these plannings and decisions is not going to be fixed but I dun want to start planning when it's too late. I have experienced the last minute preparations and planning for some major stuff in my life, I dun want to repeat my mistake. It's time for me to really have some serious thoughts about my life and future. In fact, I am even thinking about my career prospect le, which seems to ridiculous.

I know that reality and dreams, there's always a difference but "Dream Big" and I believe God will help me through. I have been called, I heard His calling and I will definitely respond to the Call... I am very excited about the future, to re-discover God's will and Plan for me. Just had a short chat with Leanne and got inspired by her spirit. Despite the fact that she have to juggle with alot of stuff, regardless is her students' academic, the packed tuition schedule, church ministry and etc, she is excited about how God has called her to serve and I do believe that she will really have a great time with God moulding her yet using her to serve others.

Right now is the Mid Year Examinations for Students and Freshman Harvest Period, though I am not being kept as busy as her, but I do understand the kind of busy schedule and feeling. I believe she can pull through because God is with her. Life can be really demanding at times, but all these are never impossible with God. He won't put us through trials which we can't handle and pass through...

Therefore, though this period may be tiring for me, I believe God will mould me into someone useful of His Call. And I shall make use of my life to glorify God and to love all those around me.

Long tym no see...

It has been sum tym since my birthday has passed... Had a really great and memorable birthday with my CG & Unit Gals over at Esplanade Rooftop... Didn't expected it of cux bt was really touched...

Life has been going through alot of changes and adaptions... New identity,new roles & duties, new decisions to make and new responsibilities, not forgetting new challenges. It seriously wasn't easy for me to handle this new role and responsibilities, but I believe God has His reasons.

I did my best in loving the people around me, but somehow, I will always end up hurting sum without realizing... Perhaps, earlier bcux of my stubborness and perfectionist tantrum, I brought sum sort of unhappiness into the people's lives around me. Love isn't a simple task to accomplish. Alot of people think that I am not loving enough or I dun love enough, but what does it means for me to show that I love someone? To die for that person? That's the only thing which I have yet done for anyone.

Love is what God all about, out of Love, He sent His one and only Son, Jesus to die for us on the Cross. What does this Cross means to me? It means more than a symbol, but it resembles the forgiveness, love and grace from God and it means more than anything to me. If anyone were to ask me, if I would give up my life for Christ, my answer will be "Yes" without hesitations. Maybe I have promised someone that I won't die or leave without her consent but for such, I believe she will understand too...

Though she didn't say, I know that actually she minds it when I spend time on those sermon notes, reading God's words and etc, but because she dun wish to force or stop me, thus, she choose to be silent about it. Instead of nagging and persecuting me like what my Mum is doing. Persecutions is part and partial of Christianity Life, God didn't promise a smooth-sailing life but He promise to carry us through with His loving Hands and Heart for us.

Life is short and brittle, no one knows what will happen to us the very next moment. Recently, I just had an close shave escape from death, and through this incident, I saw and realized who are the ones who care for me. And most importantly, I will treasure my life even more now. Thus, no worries that I will do silly stuff to hurt myself again because I will live a life to glorify and honor Him. My body is God's temple, I won't damage it because I love myself for whom God has created me to be.

Ace & Alvin, it's their birthday... =)

Happy Birthday, Ace & Alvin!

Dun know what to say, but really want to affirm both of you is that, both of your has really play a great role in my life. Ace, you lead me into a higher level of discipline, from you, I found the meaning of "Joy" and the right attitude of leadership. Alvin, though in between of our secondary school life, alot of misunderstanding happen between us, but you showed me the true colors of Mankinds and most of all, we went to experience Clubbing for the very first time in our life together with the rest.

It's going to be a great day. I know it, because I have quite a beautifully tight schedule. 1pm, to be meeting the Chalet Committee at ISLE Cafe and 4.30pm, will be meeting the cute birthday girl, Ace for discussion. 5.30pm, to meet CG for service. =)

The day before which is yesterday, alot of things happened to me. Somehow I dun know whether M did it on purpose, she is with her stead and yet she dragged me along, using C.Y as an excuse. And end up, she even try to match make me and C.Y which is so ridiculous. I can't reject it face-to-face because it would embarrass C.Y. But still, I hate it, because I hate it when people match make me without my consent because I simply do not need to match made with anyone. Love can't be forced... And I am sorry to say that I have only realized it at this point.

A girl, by the name, Wan Ting, who have a name called "Leeanne" and seriously, I dun noe why she spelled it in such manner. She taught me that Love can't be forced. Thanks, but I dun appreciate it. I dun hate her, I am not angry with her, I am not bearing grudges from her, but I can't forget what she have done to me. I believe if she is reading this, she will be scolding me for publishing her name in my blog, I will be responsible for what I said here. And of course, if it's not true, I wouldn't publish it here.

Everyone make mistakes isn't i? But will them realize it? And that's why, honesty is very important. I made alot of stupid mistakes, I dun deny that even till now, I am still doing mistakes. But simply, all the past mistakes shouldn't be determining my future, isn't it?

Birthday, a day to celebrate of our birth and now, I dun know who will I be celebrating with? Of course, I really hope to celebrate with my loved ones and the special ones...

MVP - Most Valuable Player

It has always being an honorable achievements to be awarded as MVP of the Match. Personally for me, I have only got this honorable title for only once and it was when I was 18 years old and it happens last year. It was an crazy week for me because I led an team of great members through different matches of Floorball, Soccer and Basketball. Something which that little girl expected, I hurt myself in the floorball match, when my feet got swollen like an trotter. When I got awarded the MVP, I asked myself, have I done my best in this match? And of course, I presented the MVP trophy to someone whom I respected most, my coach who have left Singapore and is now settling down at Perth with his family.

Since then, I stop touching Sports even till now, I believe I have lost touch of the Basketball and even the basic skills and tactic for Basketball. Floorball has always being something I excel in, same thing, I have lost touch of it too ever since I last played in the Match. To me, to defeat someone whom I detest, the easiest and best way is to defeat that person through Basketball Match. But I realized now my passion is not Basketball anymore, but Dance. I challenge people and settle all misunderstandings through Dance. Like what is being showed in "Step Up 2", they compete with each other with their dance skills to decide who is stronger and to defeat people they detest.

Similarly, I am using such tactic instead of the initial Basketball Match because my passion is in Dance now. I can sacrifice my time and sleep to practice Dance, but I can't do so for Basketball. Alot of times, I really ask myself where is my passion exactly, Fashion, Photography, Foods & Beverage, Business or Music? One cannot be too greedy, and I know I can only concentrate on one area. Like what I told my shepherd, I will focus entirely on Music for now, after I achieve what I aim to, I will move on to Fashion. China is a great place for me to establish my Fashion Kingdom because honestly speaking, the people there has really poor fashion sense.

For my future, I have no idea but at least for now, I am dead sure that Music is all I ever want to focus on now. As for whether my passion is on Dance or Basketball, I will still be setting up the Music Workshop and the Basketball Team.

My day today is rather amazing. I hurt someone without realizing and only realize it after reflecting on what I have done today. Knowing that it will hurt her when I mention another girl (further more is someone who is interested in me), I was on the phone with this specific girl, M when I meet her up. To worsen the situation, the girl called me here and there, when I was with her, though she didn't say anything much but from the way she spoke to me and her behavior, I know she is hurt inside, just that she dun want to tell me.

I know her for 6 years, she have being stubborn for 6 years too, stubborn in the area whereby she will not want to tell me that she is hurt and would always use a smile to hide everything to herself. And of course, this will only shows me how selfish I am for not being sensitive enough to realize what have I done. As for why I am with her in the first place, not much specific reason.

Something worsen my day was my shepherd. Somehow, she like to play a game with us and which is MIA. Of course, I dun blame her because I understand how she feels but I believe there is better ways of resolving everything than being out of contact. Alot of times, we often step on each other's toes, is either she do something that upset me or I do something that upset her. Seriously, to be honest, I dun understand what on Earth is she thinking and feeling too. Maybe we really have alot in difference but one thing for sure that I dun understand is that, (forget it, I shall not mention here).

I gave her chance of course, because I know that no one is perfect and that everyone will make mistakes and we grow from our mistakes. No one is to condemn one another because we are all sinners but why still is she escaping? It's not the one who failed her's fault, nor the shepherd's fault for not comforting her but the greatest enemy in her world is herself. She is condemning herself and she is moving on with her mistakes. I forgave her and I can of course forgive her this time round again, but so what if I forgive her? Would she be able to move on and know where she should work on?

It's true that she is my shepherd and I should be encouraging and supporting her along, but what makes sum people to think that I am not doing so? Whatever that I can help her in, I have done them all even assisting her to look out for Hui Yin and for myself, I make sure I dun misbehave. I understand that there are people who sow discord between me and my shepherd, told her stuff that I dun respect her thus, I dun account to her but is that the truth? The reason why I dun bother to clear this misunderstanding because I believe God know what I am doing and He know who is right and wrong. At His timing, He will punish the evil ones and these people are those who go around to spread rumors, gossips, sow discord and to slander and reward those who do things of His Will...

Whatever I am doing, I believe I will live my life of His will and I will glorify Him and bring people around me to His righteous Court. And last but not least, my shepherd.

Jasmine, if you are reading this entry, I really hope you will pull yourself up soon. You are my shepherd, I know it isn't easy for you to handle the kind of pain that you are enduring now. But I believe you are able to pass through this trial that God has given you. Like what Hong Koon, Yoke Ling and Li Ping like to tell me, God will not gives us trial which we can't passed through. Alot of times, people will fail us, but it's okay because we know that God will never fail us, isn't it? God gives us sheeps, for us to learn from their mistakes, to correct them, to love them, to guide them and to lead them.

It is definitely expected that sheeps will misbehave, do something wrong or fail us, but are we going to fall and stumble when they do so? If it is suppose to be this way, then why did God bother to give us Sheeps? To see His leaders fall and stumble? No, God is a loving Father of ours, He gives us trials to strengthen us, He gives us Sheeps to encourage us and to learn and to guide people. I used to be a shepherd before I transfer over, in fact, I used to be a CL. I know how it fails when your people fail you. The CG I used to be leading is around 12 girls, and they are all studying in Schools like Victoria JC, Anderson JC, Raffles Girls School, all "branded" schools while I was just studying in NAFA.

I am only a 3 months Christian when I took over the CG as CL, I was very frightened initially when I took over because I doubt my ability to lead. But later on, Pastor Joyce spoke to me, she told me, why should I doubt myself? Since God called me and entrust the CG to me, it proves that He have His plans for me and I should have faith in Him and His plans. Since then, I did my best in leading them. Alot of times, is either this or that girl will give me problems like, BGR, there was once when half of my girls turned away from God and I was very depressed. But I didn't fall because I know that I can't fall, if I fall, what is going to happen to the other half?

I am not trying to say that you can't fall because you still have to lead me. It is normal for even leaders to stumble and fall but you should learn something from the fall. Do you want to know how I eventually brought the other half back? It's through Love. I didn't force them, or to keep pestering them. I will always leave a note at their blog, MSN or even to the extend of their doorstep even when they stay in different areas like, Bedok, Tampinese, Hougang, Chua Chu Kang and Pasir Ris. I wil always encourage them, and I told them, that I believe one day, they will eventually come back to God.

Love is a very powerful thing, it can build up a person and it can destroy a person too. You witness how Wan Ting nearly destroy me completely but thanks to you, Leanne and Li Ping, I am still intact and still standing strong and firm in God's court. It was a struggle for me to give up my title in LYnC (ex-church youth ministry) to come over to Hope and start all over again, but I still came because of Love. Over here, through this CG, I felt loved and I saw what Love is all about. Maybe alot of people wonder if I come over for the sake of Wan Ting or not, I dun deny, she is part of the reason but she is not the main reason. It's the people whom made me know what God's grace and Love is about and it's here where I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with God.

In case you wanna know what happen when I told my CG and my Pastor that I wanna come over to Hope Church, I shall tell you here. Of course, they were sad about my departure but they know that I am leaving for God's sake. I leave to grow up stronger in Christ, I leave to foster my bonds with God and I leave for God's purpose. The last time when I went for the Service, everyone cried and prayed for me. I was very touched when my ex-shepherd told me this, "LYnC will always be opening a door for you, it will always be a refuge which you can turn to and we will always be here for you." And just previously, a few days ago, I chat with my ex-shepherd and she told me that she have left the ministry and is serving in Adults le. After chatting with a few of my girls, then I know that there has been alot of restructuring. Pastor Joyce is no longer leading the Youth Ministry but a new Pastor whom I forgotten the name. And most of the members are rather unstable due to sudden restructuring.

To be honest, even after I left the Church, I was still in contact with them. I would meet the girls up and I would even teach them the teachings that I learnt here and they will share their day with me. It's just like another form of "shepherding," at first, I was really afraid that it may be wrong. But later, when I see their growth and changes in their life, I know that it may be wrong in some sense but it's a good thing that I have change people's lives with God's will and with the stuff that I have learnt.

Therefore, Jasmine, be strong and remember, you have contributed to the changes in my life, though alot of times, our decisions dun meet but still, one thing will never change, you are my shepherd and you did teach me alot. I dun and wun force you. When you are ready to open up yourself, tell me, I will help you. Dun be afraid to tell me your emotions and problems, I have experienced something worst le...

Remember, no matter what happen, grow from your mistakes and move on. I will always be there to support and help you. Be strong.

Mattew 18: 10-14

Birthday Programs (Updated) + Announcements

26th of April,

1.30pm - Meet at Somerset Station
1.45pm - Will make our way to Cineleisure KBOX
2pm-5.15pm - Singing & Fellowship (Each person to prepare at least $30)
5.15pm- Make our way to Cuppage Plaza
5.30pm - Should Reach Nexus
8pm - Dinner + Celebrations
9+pm - Night Walk + Fellowship
11.40pm/12am - Movie (Superhero or smth else?)
2am - Dismissal, for those who wants to stay on, will have programs (Clubbing [Maybe]) and for those who wants to go home, please kindly settle own transportations. (*Not responsible for anyone who is not able to go home with transportation)

A few things to take note:

Sabotage is welcome but please do not involved Durians or Prawns because I seriously dun eat these. And please do not touch my hair, face is okay, if you want to draw something but not applying cosmetics. Flour is okay, but not with eggs. Water is welcome but not warm water. Please do not expect me to wear skirts or etc because I will not. Fear Factor, though I initiate this game during the Chalet and I am okay to play this game but with the full participation of the rest plus excluding Durians and Prawns.

Kisses & Hugs are welcome but not to my lips (Hong Koon, please take note).

Announcement to those who are interested in the Music Worshop.

For those who have seen the bulletine in Friendster, yes, I included Basketball but I have decided to focus on Music Workshop first. Basically, this Music Workshop, will be based on Music Theory, Skills - Dance & Singing. There will definitely be fun and joy. Registerations will start on my birthday. If you are interested, please kindly prepare a copy of your monthly schedule + days and time you are able to commit. Venue so far is being fixed at Istana Park. Changes will be updated. Kindly register with me personally or through your leaders. This is only open up to Sisters only, due to the consideration that they may be shy to dance or sing with brothers around.

Regardless you have any Music background or not, as long as you love Music, wanna pick up some skills on Music, and wanna strengthen your body, please do join us. No one is going to judge your singing/dance because no one is perfect.

For basketball wise, I am still under constructions for this but I promise to update on this area ASAP. Would like to focus on the Music Workshop first. Thanks. Any enquires, please do e-mail, MSN msg, SMS/Call (Late Reply will be due to Class Commitments) or speak to me personally before or after service.

What am I suppose to do?

Alot of stuff have been happening to me or in my world since the day I came back from the recent chalet... Let's talk about some stuff that happen today.

Amazingly, a guy by the name of Mr. Ooi, made the later day of mine lyk hell. He totally destruct my day when I was just trying to bring myself to peace. No need to wonder, this person is my stepfather. I have never seen anyone who is so unreasonable and petty. Just because my mum came home late as she was helping my Sis to take care of my nephew, he threw temper like as though my Mum did something gravely wrong... Which I think is really dumb...

We had some sort of have some arguments and verbal harsh exchange, I can't stand anyone who insult my Mum or say anything bad/harsh about her. We quarreled and I suppose he lost the argument and that's why he then left and wen to my step-grandmother's house. Seriously, I really wonder why such a guy exists in this world... True enough, a hungry man is a angry man, but never did I expect such petty and unreasonable guy exists and have to be my stepfather...

Of course, this seriously reflects a question to me. What kind of family I hope to build up and start in future? Would I want to have a family of friends staying together and living together, growing old together and walking this life journey and spiritual race together? Or would I be adpoting a child and bringing the child up, cultivating a good descendant of this world? Or both? I have my own dreams and as Leanne encourage us, dream big and keep dreaming...

My dreams is to have a house in Vienna, to be surrounded by Musicians, and the beautiful and mystery Music History and Arts Culture. It do not need to be a grand mansion but just a house enough for me to live. And to spend my days, composing Music, designing Bags, Shoes, Dresses and all types of Clothings and even to establishing my own Fashion Label. Regardless how heavy the price it is, this is my dream of life and I really hope to fulfill this dream before I leave this world to meet God...

Music has always being a necessities in my life, and never did I expected myself to develop a interest for Fashion too. Especially knowing the fact that I s**ks in Drawing, thus, the more, I can't accept the fact that I am interested in Fashion. And yes, I suppose after I pursue my interest in Music, I will pursue Fashion. I believe it's going to be tough because I can't draw well but I will definitely do my very best and leave myself not even a corner for regrets.

However, one of my concerns now is my family. Would I be able to go all out to pursue my dreams and not committing as much as I am now to the Family? It all started with a word, "Promise," I promise my late Dad that I will guard, protect, take care of this family well. This family is the reason why I have to be strong and no matter what, I have to guarding everyone of this family from Mr. Ooi. I dun care whatever bullshit business he do outside the family, but it definitely is my concern if he try to play a joke on my family and especially with their safety.

Not forgetting about my commitments in Church, I made a promise to myself and my leaders that I will rise up and not just for the sake of my leaders, I want to shine among everyone. Maybe in alot of people's eyes, I am still young and ignorant in Christ but, all I want to say is, maybe I didn't join Hope Church longer than anyone whom I know so far in Church, but like what that has being taught. Spiritual maturity do not relies on Spiritual Age, one can be 10 years Christian but still the level of Maturity is still at the day of Conversion.

I believe that I am able to do so, because I have being called and most importantly, God has called me to be. I can see myself leading and I believe that God has called me to be a leader. Maybe right now, I have alot of areas which I need to improve on, espcially my patience. ALot of times, I realized I will be very worried that things may not goes as according to what I plan and want, but till now then I realize, these worries are just extra burdens that I have for myself. I suppose I was badly influence by that little girl, perfectionist - someone who expect everything to be perfect, regardless is studies, or any sort of stuff in my life.

And that's why I will tend to get impatient when things are nt going according to my plans, e.g. during the recent Chalet. Alot of things didn't goes according to what I wanted too, but I didn't give up because I believe this is just part of God's trial for me. I believe I need to change in this area, it's good to seek perfection standard in everything I do, but too cautious in such areas, do tire people whom I work with too, and may also cause stress in a few areas too. I believe by God's grace, He will strengthen me through the people around me, and through the different trials and opportunities that He is going to expose to me.

Soon or later, I believe I will be able to be a leader who is shining among the crowd, I will be the one leading instead of the one following, I will be the one guiding instead of following blindly. To be a Leader who love the people, who guide the people, to help the people, to take care of the people and to lead them well is what I want.

My birthday wish, is a foolish one but I know it's very tough for me to fulfill it. I want to just be at the Singapore Flyer with the person whom I want to... And of course, I have alot of birthday wish.

1st, my Sis and her family to be happy, safe and healthy.
2nd, my nephew to grow up strongly, healthy and happy
3rd, my closed and loved ones to be happy and healthy
4th, to move on to a higher level of standards in my leadership, music and arts skills
5th, to fulfill the people whom I care 's dreams and to be by their side always, regardless day or night, rain or shine.