Birthday...

Hmmm...

Receive alot of questions about my birthday... E.g. How I want my birthday to be like? Wad kind of presents I like and want to receive?

Like what I told a little girl before, I dun expect expensive gifts because I dun look at gifts of how much they are worth or cost... I look at gifts through how much the person put in the thoughts and effort...

Whether the gifts is something I like/want/need or not, I look at the thoughts but not the gifts.

How I want my birthday to be like? I do not need a grand celebration, I just want to spend my birthday with my loved ones. Since my Dad's departure from my life, I no longer had any memorable birthday celebration except for last year, when I spent it with someone special. As for this year, I really just want to spend with someone special.

It is not necessary to be a mass celebrations whereby everyone come together to celebrate with me. I prefer 1-to-1 or a small group by a small group too. I normally prefer 1-to-1 because that's when I will feel comfortable, but I am okay with anything if my CG or Unit Friends (hope I am not too thick-skinned) want to celebrate with me...

I hope to celebrate 1-to-1 with Jasmine (my dear shepherd), Leanne (bt quite impossible due to her busy schedule), B.L and my friends... If really have no idea what I like, rely on your understanding towards me... I dun nid anything, I accept all gifts and thoughts...

Check my friendster out if you dun know what kind of stuff I like.

I dun wanna know...

Intro:I just can't believe this man,
This is another night of these thoughts,
Can't get this out of my head
Somebody said they saw you,
The person you were kissing wasn't me
And I would never ask you
I just kept it to myself

[chorus]I don't want to know
If your playin' me
Keep it on the low
Cuz my heart can't take it anymore
And if you're creepin'
Please don't let it show
Ooooh baby I don't wanna know

(verse 2)I think about it when I hold you
When lookin' in your eyes I can't believe
I don't need to know the truth
Baby, keep it to yourself

[chorus]I don't want to know
If your playin' me
Keep it on the low
Cuz my heart can't take it anymore
And if you're creepin'
Please don't let it show
Ooooh baby I don't wanna know

(background)/ Bridge
Does he touch you better then me (Touch you better then me)
Does he watch you fall asleep (Watch you fall asleep)
Does he show you love this way
And the things you do to me (do to me baby)
If you're better off that way (Better off that way)
Baby all that I can say (All that I can say)
GO on and do your thing and don't come back to me(Stay away from me Baby)
I don't wann know
where you whereabouts of how you movin'
I know when you in the house of when you crusin'
It's been proven' my love you abusin'
I can't understand how a man got you choosin
Undecided I came and provided my, My undivded
You came and denied it (why)
Don't even try it, I know why you lyin'
Don't even do that, I know why you cryin'(stop cryin')
Im not applyin no pressure, I just want to let you know
That I don't wanna let you go
And I don't wanna let you leave
Can't say i didn't let you breath
Gave you extra cheese (c'mon)
Put you in the SUV
You wanted ice so I made you freeze
Made you hot like the west indies
Now it's time you invest in me
Cuz if not then it's best you leaveHolla Yeah

[chorus] repeat 3xI don't want to know
If your playin' meKeep it on the low
Cuz my heart can't take it anymore
And if you're creepin'
Please don't let it show
Ooooh baby I don't wanna know

Seriously, I really dun wanna know if she is out with another guy or not. Whatever kind of relations between them, I dun want to know. I got cheated 3 times in my previous relationship and that kind of feelings simply s***ks, I dun wish to go through it again... Especially when you caught the person you love lying to you and with another lover behind your back.

Knowing that this feeling is wrong, but still, I am having such feelings always and this is very torturing for me... Many people think I am experienced because my history of relationship are colorful but who would really bother to know what is inside me... I am a very possessive and sensitive lover, and because of my possessiveness, I have tire alot of people out.

However sometime, I really ask myself, have I been too good to this little girl or am I still not good enough to her? I gave her everything she wants, everything she needs and everything she would wanna have. But why is it that she is still like this? I have no idea if she is demanding or etc but all along, I willingly allow myself to be order around.

As for this little girl, I seriously dun know what to say or do le... I realize even if I am jealous, angry or etc, she wouldn't know and care also. So why not I just put this focus on something which is much important bah. I am serving God and not Man, so I dun wish and dun wanna allow such matters to distract me again le. Perhaps it's hard for me to get over this whole incident, persuading myself to jux put this matter aside...

As for her, whether she really did something unfaithful or not, I dun wanna know le. As for the relationship wise, she can deny all she wants in front of man, because this just shows that she is still after all serving man instead of God. She mind what people says and think about her... And most importantly, it is being stated in the Bible, God dun lyk lying tongues... She can lie to all people by all means but I am sure God will show the truth one day... By then, I am sure she will still face the judgment that she fears...

I guess I made the wrong assumption...

Did I really think too much? Or am I really too sensitive? Haix... Seriously, I dun wanna noe about what is going on le... After thinking through alot of things, I realized even if I am very agitated about this whole matter, it's not going to make the whole matter go anywhere also...

I'm really tired, physically and mentally but I seems to be quite troubled over too much stuff... Patience has been something I am lacking of, no matter is in my personal life or my spiritual leadership skills... Maybe I am potential to be a leader, but I believe I am still required to go through more training and guidance from my leaders... There is no perfect leaders, I believe I am still further off from the standards...

I wouldn't want to lead a group which will in turn cause them to backslide, I want my group, my future group to be a group which soar and not fall... If my group would fall, I rather I dun rise up as leader because I dun want to mislead anyone...

Another 17 days, would b my birthday... To be honest, I am excited but I dun dare and dun noe wad would happen that day... I am excited but I dun noe wad will happen on tt day?

Why did you break my trust when I did my best in trusting you?

最后的风度(罗志祥)
没有人介入 所有人觉得你该满足 我把心血全都付出 你为何想哭 为你作主 让你受到我的保护 可是你像受苦 到底是谁难以相处 我给你幸福 你问我什么才是幸福 这个问题反而让我 把你看个清楚 你怕束缚 我的爱没能把你驯服 你没有退路 那倒不如爽快结束 就让你 见识我的风度 你离开我要不要庆祝 我不怕爱的残酷 反正我很想跳舞 我最喜欢挑战孤独 我也爱放下包袱 没有谁 我也不舍得哭 hu 我~我不在乎 你觉得痛苦 我倒不愿意为爱受苦 只有这样我才做到 对你的背叛宽恕 想你幸福 想不到分手你才幸福 是谁的错误 我不认输 我忍得住 就让你 见识我的风度 你离开我要不要庆祝 我不怕爱的残酷 反正我很想跳舞 我最喜欢挑战孤独 我也爱放下包袱 没有谁 我也不舍得哭 hu 我没有空在乎 就让你 见识我的风度 我忍痛温柔的祝福 你会一生都记住 我要你铭心刻骨 我最喜欢挑战孤独 我也爱放下了包袱 没有谁没难度 我最怕哭 ah~

爱要爱得投入 却不在乎 ah~



I feel betrayed... Someone who keep emphasizing that she will be faithful, won't betray my trust or do anything behind my back... I forgave her for the 1st time when I passed her mp3 before I went off for Arete Camp, I saw her with another guy... I persuaded myself to believe that they are just classmates and there isn't anything going on with them... She always like to tell me this, "If you love me then trust me" but seriously, I dun noe what to do right now...



Once again, I know that she is alone with this guy again and they went to make her specs together... I know that she is going the Vision 768 to make specs but she didn't tell me that she is going with this guy... Am I too senstive? Or perhaps I should really find out who this guy is and what kind of relations they are before I decide on anything? I dun wish to allow myself to do anything out of rash but seriously I really dun wish any of these to be true...



Whether this guy is really her new love or not, I hope I won't bear any grudges towards her because I know how much this is going to affect me. I jux had my spiritual birthday celebrations 2 nights ago, I still remember what those loved ones affirm me with and what I promise them... I dun wish to fall aback because of anything and anyone le.. I had one great and painful fall due to Cassie's departure, I dun wish to fall lyk this again... I know all these are wrong and I should get over her, I will be very persistent and determined in this.



She is a CL, I hope I can believe that she know what she is doing and I hope she is doing everything right in God's will. Meanwhile, I will do my part in getting over that wrong love towards her. I just wanna focus on my growth in Christ, my promise to Jasmine, X.Z and Leanne

continue frm previous post

Upon sending her off, Ace, Kenneth and me went back to the Chalet. Ace went to find her friends, and Kenneth went to settle the other stuff while I went back to check on the girls. Until 1.45 then I told Kelvin that 2.30 will be lights off, cause there are some who need to rest. Just then, we have some kind of minor arguments with Kenneth. Kelvin and I are very persistent about the safety of the girls and thus, eventually Ace made a suggestion whereby we both side think is okay. Guys who wanna sleep will enter the Chalet, if not, no one is allow to enter the room.

I am very insists of asking every girl to rest because I dun want what happened during the Arete Camp to happen again, whereby all become so restless and couldn't focus. In addition, I am the event planner, I know what their program are for the next day, I dun want any of the girls to faint or etc... Maybe I was being too protective but I dun want anything to happen to the girls.

Here comes the 2nd day...

Woke up at 6 plus after dozing off around 5 smth, after a monkey open the door so loudly... Brought the girls to Mac, went to have breakfast and slack around. Somehow through this chalet stay, I got my vision of a sister even clearer but never mind, I shall not mention names here. Around 12 smth, Li Ping got back and I meet her and Paul for the Games Briefing and final Meeting. Was very helpless when I know that more than half of the people are going Wild Wild Wet, but there wasn't anything I can say because it's their decisions. After knowing there is only roughly around 10 person joining the games.

I was very helplessly lost, I know that God was testing me and I know that there is definitely a way out. Just then, I decided to just hold a BBQ since they wanted to celebrate a sister (visitor)'s birthday and I can also bring those who wanna play to the supermarket and play a game with them over there. I brought my Games Committee people (Paul and Li Ping) to the White Sands NTUC first. I went around with a trolley to get the foods and stuff for the BBQ, while Paul and Li Ping went to get the list of things whereby they are to let the guys and girls team to get.

Around 3 plus, the girls team reach the Supermarket and the guys too after I called Kelvin and he told me that they are on the way out. I led the girls team while Paul led the guys team, hmmm, though the game was quite lame but I really hope that they enjoyed the game. During the game, I passed my wallet to Li Ping and asked her to push the trolley to pay for those foods stuff and drinks then get back to the destination point.

After both teams got their stuff, they came back to the destination point, and the results is the guys lose the game... They are to do an forfeit decided from the girls team which is they have to jump lyk a Chinese Vampire in a row to the main entrance... Initially, they have to dance "Dun Cha" but they were very shy... So James made this suggestions...

The whole BBQ started off at around 4 smth, the games committee went back straight after we got the stuff back from the games... We took a cab back because there is seriously too many stuff and too heavy... We bought 5 packets of Otah (total 100 sticks), 3 packets of Chicken Wings, 2 bottles of Marinate (Teriyaki & Red Wine + Garlic), 1 bottle of Red Wine, Containers and etc... The BBQ started off, and X.Z came earliest among the guests...

While I was barbequing the foods together with Kelvin who stood beside me and keep bickering with me and Zhen De and Li Ping across... And we all sabotage Xiu Zhen, we put all the foods we are done cooking onto her plate... And just then, I receive an SMS from Joleen "Hey gal.. Happy 1st spiritual birthday! :)" I was very surprised and thought I saw the wrong name... Later on, I started having strange questions like, do u like Oreo or Chocolate and later, I really thought they just order my birthday cake... Later on, when Joleen reach, I asked her how she know it's my spiritual birthday, she told me because she is psychic...

We celebrated the Miao Hui's birthday then they went off... Just then, everyone ask me to go to the table and I went off... Just then, they said James had something for me, and they started singing the "Birthday Song" to me and Joleen passed me the birthday cake which I was completely surprised and stunned and do not know how to react... They made me to make wishes and must say out one, but seriously, I really do not know what are my wishes... So later on, I just made a wish whereby I want to rise up...

Later on, I cut the cake and Hui Yin, Joleen (whom I have been waiting for a long tym to hear her affirm me-to be honest), Kelvin, James, X.Z, Jasmine and L.P affirm me... I am quite encouraged by their affirmation and honestly, I didn't expected all these... Only regret is that Leanne wasn't around, she have to teach tuition till 10pm and by the time she come over is already rather late plus she is not well... Thus, I suppose it's only better that she go home and rest early instead of rushing over... But nevertheless, the sabotage of Fear Factor plan is still around and left fulfilled...

Hmmm... Rather worried for her also, and I really hope that her flu is recovering instead of other... Will definitely keep her in prayers... And also Yoke Ling... Really thanks alot for all the efforts for this birthday celebrations... Especially thanks to Joleen who went to bought the cake... No wonder, I was still wondering why is the DMM coming to the BBQ suddenly, at first, I thought it was just attending an event and since they were suppose to have DMM meeting and I am here at the Chalet being one of the Committee... But was really encouraged by their attendance...

And now that I am back home nest, I am really tired yet still need to attend to some stuff... Ace's birthday is coming, and her birthday happenly to falls on 19th of April, same as a person whom my ex timer me with and this person is none other than Alvin Lee Bing Ru... Hmmm... wondering what shall I get for her... Got quite close to her since the Chalet also... Used to be quite afraid of speaking to her, but due to some coincidence, we spoke to each other and I found her a very approachable leader and is quite a nice person to speak to too...

It's a enjoyable and memorable yet tiring night...

Just came back from an memorable Chalet. Sunday afternoon, brought a girl to doctor before taking a Cab down to Ang Mo Kio to fetch Li Ping then move on to Sengkang to meet Vincent to help him carry some stuff down to Downtown. Upon reaching, Li Ping and I had a discussion on the Games plans while Joel, Jia Sheng and Chen Wei just sat there to play and sing on their own. Vincent and Zhen Hui went to settle the other guys (their visitors). It was fun, Joel sang along with the the MP3, it was high and fun...

Later on, when we started preparing for all the BBQ stuff, the sisters started coming in. We started the BBQ as planned and everything goes well. Something happens in between but quite senstive so I shall no reveal here. Later on, our Miss Leanne finally reaches because she overslept and miss the bustop till Changi Airport. Can't blame her also, I suppose because it's due to her flu and she is not well thus she feels tired easily. But nevertheless, she bullied me lyk mad when she reaches the Chalet.

First, she keep talking and talking until I made her to go into the room and she just walk lyk a blur sotong with a sense of directions. Later on, when she wanted to pass me the money for the Chalet, I told her I paid for her already and she stuff the money into my collar from the back. And from there, the whole night here and there, we were playing catching... Even had an short wrestling at the bed when she bit me... But it's alright because I didn't feel any pain at all, even her struggles, aiyo... Is so damm weak...

Later on, we got tired of the wrestling, she just took the money and she keep pushing it to me and I push it back to her. And of course, I realize that she is scared of being tickled also because she struggled quite violently. We went out to eat, and she drank, I pour hers into mine because I didn't want her to drink and of course with a reason, because she is not well. No matter what she do and say, I just keep stopping her to drink but eventually, I know she did drank secretly because she asked someone to pour for her beneath the table, so that I can't see because I was at the pit barbequing for the rest. So in estimation, I drank qutie a amount bah, but I am dead sure, I am not drunk.

I drank her share and mine, drank an additional bottle of Barcadi, which is like quite nothing to me but although I feel abit giddy, I know what I am doing and where I am. I may seems to be drunk, but I am not. Standing in front of the pit with all the heat hitting on my face, naturally, my face will be red. After Leanne ate her share, we went to the room and she went in first bcux I was cooking... When I went in, she was already sitting next to my bag and of course, by then, I really didn't expected much because I didn't know that she noe which is my bag.

I rest there, then she pulled the movable bed out and dragged me on it. I passed her the jacket that I bought for her, she took out and told me it's nice then asked me whose is it... I told her it's for her and she asked for what, and I told her because I always see her in the same jacket so wanted to wear smth new. She was quite glad about the gift bah. She went off around 2 plus, Ace and I sent her off.

*Will Update asap-I am tired and dozing off le.*

Stressful Times...

Rite now, I am going through one of the most difficult points of my life. Somehow something is wrong with me but I have no idea what is wrong with me. Anyone who are really observant, will realize my temper and patience got very bad lately. I have no idea what has gone wrong with me, even towards someone whom I have never dared to throw tantrum at, I showed attitude towards that person.

I hate myself alot! I dun lyk how I behave now and I dun lyk my own attitude!

Insults...

I suppose I am really a gread baddie in the past, I regret alot about my past but there's no turning point. I dun know whether I am condemning myself or wad but alot of times, I feel so bad about myself especially about the stuff that I have done in my life.

7th of April marks the day I come to faith, time flies, 1 year le. I am a turning 1 year old in Christ and this is definitely something interesting but I dun know whether I feel excited about it or not. I came to faith after I was being psycho to go Church by a little girl who change my life completely and is now hiding in Youth Ministry of Hope. Through her, I see how God works on me and brought me to His arms and I am very thankful especially to have this girl in my life once again.

I learnt that everyone will face rejections, even Jesus faced when He came down to Earth to the people. It wasn't easy for Him but He trust that He should overcome evil with Love. And overcome evil with Love has being my biggest principle of life right now. Somehow, upon facing certain people, I find it hard to apply this principle. An person whom I mention in the previous entry, B, somehow, I seriously think that there's some problem with us. I tried to mend the relations between us, but the bondings between us has really caused alot of problems.

I guess if departure is the only solution for both of us, all I can do for her is to leave her before she leave me. At least, it will bring her lesser misery and she won't go through tat kind of struggles again. I know leaving me years ago, she had alot of struggles, and now, I know very well that she is having struggles about to tell me her feelings or not. Perhaps I am wrong in some areas, especially indecisive and flickering mindset but I have never meant to hurt anyone.

I suppose and I can really see myself being badly affected in alot of areas since Cassie's death, my temper got very bad, my patience got the minimum limit and just a little thing, if slightly provoked, I will just explode and start showing attitude and hurting people even my loved ones with my harshness. So far, quite alot of people has being hurt by my tantrum, Jasmine, Li Ping (at times) and some other friends, I really wanna apologize. I am sorry but I just couldn't control myself.

I dun like it too when I hurt people especially my loved ones, I hate myself for being like this but I just find it hard to control myself. Maybe is because I am under extreme stress, burdens, lack of rest and I am sick...

I have to go out a short while. Continue again later...

The pain is still there... I realize I am really a flirt baddie...

说再见别说永远再见不会是永远
说爱我别说承诺爱我不需要承诺
不后退就让它心碎宁愿孤独的滋味
不被了解的人最可悲反正爱不爱都有罪
要走也要擦干眼泪
别问爱过多少人在一起的人
只问爱你有几分
别问太多的伤痕如果不懂伤有多深
别问最爱我的人伤我有多深
现实总是太残忍我早已付出了灵魂

People come and leave in our life. Whether we like it anot, they will come into our life and leave us eventually one day. All along I have seriously thought that I have get over my Dad's death because I no longer dwell about it but through Cassie's death, it triggers everything back once again. And made me realize that I have all along been deceiving myself, I choose to escape and avoid the issue and decieve myself when I felt the pain but I have never once get over it.

"Stairway to Heaven" is the Korean Series which changed me quite alot with regards to Love and is an series which I used to remember a person in my life. This person, I dun noe whether she mind if I reveal her name here or not, but just in case, dis person is none other than B and is someone who went down to Admiralty Mac with me a few nights ago to meet Xiu Zhen, Hong Koon, Li Ping and Jasmine. Let me explain why...

Everything memorable happens when I am stuck in between her and another ex, J. The song, especially, "Miss You" the lyrics will always touches me and will always trigger off the pain of missing this person. This person, although she is nt the 1st love of my life but is the 1st relationship which started off officially and is someone who showed me the meaning of loving someone. She is someone whom is rather important and influence me alot of stuff. And this series and this song just simply never fails to remind me of her and our story.

I really didn't expected myself to be her 1st love, and it's really very surprising. And somehow, the bonds between us, have never been severed even as we went separate ways these few years. The farmiliar feeling is still there, but I suppose it's quite out of question for both of us to get back together. The bonds is still there but everything has just become past and history.

I dun deny that this relationship with her did hurt me quite badly espcially when she left without saying goodbye but never mind, at least there aren't any grudges between us.

And for now, as I am trying to get over Cassie's departure from my life, I am determined to get out of my Dad's death together with Cassie's... It is not going to be easy, I may be abit abnormal now but I will get over everything and eventually move out of everything... Meanwhile, my attitude may be mad, my behavior and etc may be abnormal, but bear with me for the time being, I will be okie after venting everything out. As for now, the mask is there and I dun know when I will remove this mask from my face...

Pretence...

http://profile.imeem.com/S8hpUMd/music/W-cCvqzF/jolin_jia_zhuang/

Dis song has been the song which Cassie has been listening to lately, I have no idea if she want to return because of Love or because of some other stuff.

It wasn't easy for me these few days especially to cope with this incident but thank God for a few people in my life, Leanne, Li Ping, Jasmine (who was dere with me when I got the news), Hong Koon, Xiu Zhen and Bao Ling who eventually learnt the news and stayed by my side too. I had wanted to leave the camp by then, but I asked myself, "Why am I sacrificing my opportunity to go Beijing with my team to come this camp?" And of course, knowing the answer I choose to stay behind despite the burning pain inside and how hard I am trying to maintain cool.

That day wasn't a easy day for me, especially during the teaching, I have no idea how should I concentrate because my mind was on Cassie. It was wrong of me to be doing so, but the news of her death is just too sudden and too distracting. Someone whom I have been speaking to, whom I have been bickering with here and there, whom have always been there to tolerate with my tantrum is now lying there, motionless and cold forever...

I tried to convince myself, tried to persuade myself, tried to counsel myself, tried to get myself out but why is it that this maze seems so long and the path is just never-ending. I have no idea how am I going to get myself out, perhaps with God leading my hands out or carrying me on His back because I am really tired...

Jux managed to recover from Flu before camp reaches, and now after Camp has ended and this coming weekend having Chalet, my flu is back once again. Looking at the Herbal Tea which Li Ping never fails to buy for me when I am sick, the sweet which Leanne bought, I just dun feel like consuming them. I know if I want to recover fast, I have to finish drinking it and of course with Leanne's sweets, but I dun feel like consuming them now. Leanne took a sip of the herbal tea during Theme Night, and she experience the bitterness of the herbal tea by then. She couldn't take the bitterness, and wanted me to faster recover if not, she will have to keep on drinking it to make me drink.

Was touched by Leanne's action when she drank the sip, to make me drink though the tea was really bitter beyond words description. Chalet is this coming Sunday, so far, none of my CG girls are going, I guess probably due to the re-opening of school or work. Am in-charge of Games with Li Ping and so far, still under discussions for Game. Haix... I suppose burying myself with work is one of the ways which I can use to distract myself from thinking of Cassie. It wasn't easy to cope with the loss of an loved ones, especially one whom you feel bad about and one who have contributed alot to your life.

From today onwards, she will live in my memory bank forever and forever there will always be a corner in my heart, carrying her best wishes with me. I have chose to keep all the stuff which will reminds me of her, her presents to me all at her room instead of mine. It's nt because I wish to sever all ties with her but I just wish to just keep everything to our past and story which have ended today.

I am still wearing a mask in front of people, I believe one day, God will remove this mask from me and I will eventually get over everything and move on from here. This is a bad and great fall, but thank God, I am still in God's will upon defeating the temptations. And now, my humorous is to hide my pain, there is this phrase, 'zhi wo cui mian" which can greatly describte what I am doing now. Knowing that this mask wun last long, I still choose to hide myself. Leanne and Li Ping told me to be real, there's no need to hide my emotions in front of them and God but still, I can't bring myself to just burst out in tears in front of them.

When I eventually cried during the Theme Night, I told Hong Koon that I wished Leanne and Yoke Ling would be there to hug me but still, I am thankful that she was there with me. This mask is tough to remove, and I believe God will take it away from me as time goes by and I will eventually be the real me in front of people around me... It's tough to walk on, let me recover before I move on...

Don't Say Goodbye...

Today I am sending off someone dearly to me, it was really a very painful experiences for me... Through her journal, I realized she dedicated "不公平" to me and the lyrics really shatters my heart...

走了那麼遠　發現你不在身邊獨自走過了什麼　自己都不了解未來的藍圖應該有你　不該只剩嘆息　只是偶爾淚流不停堅強的理由　只是自己騙自己你眼中的恐懼　說什麼都多餘付出的一切值不值得　永遠不會有答案只有天知道我有多麼愛你一顆心屬於一個人　在愛情裡什麼算公平而當傷已傷了深　是不是催眠了自己一顆心屬於我自己　愛情裡找不到公平而當你最後選擇了逃避　我學會不公平

I seriously didn't know that I put her through such pain... I chose to escape, because I let her down and I dun wish to drag on the relationship. Maybe I didn't handle the relationship well, but seriously, I was still young and ignorant by then.

"Do Something" by Britney Spears has been the song which she got me crazy over her and now that she is gone, this song plays repeatedly inside my mind. Though during the relationship, we wasn't really able to be together like couple whereby spend time together but she will always compromise to my timing. She work at night in club, thus, daytime is her resting time but she choose to sacrifice her sleep, just to accompany me. During that relationship, I spend all my nights in club to enjoy myself with her while she is at work, or to wait for her.

And now that I have send her off, that kind of memories are just like chains on me, it hurts alot but I know I have to get over everything. "Bleeding Love" is the very last song she dedicated to me. She is really silly... The funeral was especially memorable. It was after I arrange for all her funeral etc, then I realize it really wasn't ready to prepare for an funeral. I gave her an decorations of pink and white rose, pink (her favorite color) and white is my favorite. She told me this before, "though it seems quite impossible, but if there's a day when you will marry me, I want our wedding to be decorated with pink and white roses."

This isn't an wedding but her funeral, knowing that I can't fulfill this dream of hers, this is all I can do for her. Love songs are played, and I made it seems like an wedding than an funeral, this is all I can do for her lastly and I know very well that she wouldn't want her funeral to look like one. Since I know her, she will never failed to amaze me, she dun like to do things normally, even her dressings, all are in abnormal style because she wants to be different from others. Therefore, I suppose this is one of the abnormal things that I can do for her.

I am glad that her Mum and Sister are on my side, and of course, I will continue to take care of them as promise... Though till now, her Mum still refuse to believe that Cassie is gone, but it's alright, slowly as time goes by, I will work together hand in hand with her sister, Candy to help her Mum accept Cassie's death. It's nt going to be a easy journey to finish and walk on, but nothing is impossible with God. Like what Leanne has said, maybe this would be a good opportunity for me to bring them to faith and let them know who God is.

And of course, today as I send Cassie off, it marks the end of the story between me and her and it's time for me to really start everything anew... It may not be easy but I suppose time will heal all wounds...

Cassie-Leave me well, be happy... I am sorry...

This entry is especially for Cassie, someone whom have left me on 30th of March afternoon without saying goodbye. She left me with no chance to apologize to her, it's too late for regrets and for any nonsense because she is gone for good.

Cassie,

I hope you are happy at this moment, though I didn't managed to fulfill your last wish for you, I will always remember your love for me. Though it's really too late for me to even apologize but rite now, there's no turning point le. Time can't change back, and we can't go back to the past anymore. What I remember now of you, is that cheerful, caring, understanding, playful and loving girl and I know that I will be remembering this side of you till the end of time.

Though we can no longer be together, I believe you will understand my reason de. Perhaps like what the others say, it's all too late but what matters is that both of us know that we do mean something to each other. Maybe I didn't say out but you do plays a important part of my life. I really appreciate all the love and patience that you have gave me, and I really treasure our memories.

Goodbye, I will live on strongly and happily de.... Though it's nt easy to accept your departure, but I believe God has bring you away from me for a reason. All I can do for you is the funeral arrangements, I hope you like it whether you can see it or not. Accepting your death is not a options for me but a must for me. I will live on for the sake of you, I will live on well...

Tym heal all wounds, but will it carry away the pain?

I am taught that God will heal all wounds, and I know with faith, God will heal all my wounds. Last night, went to Admiralty Macdonald to meet Jasmine, Li Ping, Hong Koon and Xiu Zhen with Bao Ling. It was rather weird, when I went down there, they kept laughing and even crack a joke, telling me that Xiu Zhen is my shepherd which is a April Fool's Day joke. They find it funny but somehow I dun. And later, they kept on laughing about some stuff I guess I missed out, and it's my 1st time to see Xiu Zhen to laugh until so madly but it's definitely great to laugh than cry bah.

They told me alot of stuff, which to be honest, I have really tried to apply them to myself but I suppose, I still can't really absorb in. I know they meant good and I know they wanna help me. Leanne spoke to me after I got home, we chat on MSN and she told me alot too. I really know that God will never put us through trials which we can't get through, I know He have His own reasons to put me through this and I know I should have faith in Him to show His purpose. Perhaps He want me to testify, to get through and then help people who is also facing such pain.

He want to strengthen and build me up, but anyone out there know how tough it is to really get over and move on. I know that it's too late for be remorseful, regret and to apologize because that will not bring her back, but still, it's normal to feel remorseful, regret or to apologize bah because I have emotions. Though all these loved ones told me not to blame myself, lyk what Leanne said, she have to be responsible for her own life. But one thing, I can't deny that I contribute to the factors which pushes her to this 1-way route. I know I have to get out of this to move on, in order to continue to grow and soar.

My promise towards Leanne, to grow in Christ lyk a Cactus, to withstand all circumstances and extremes, have I kept to this promise? Why is it that I am still so badly affected by this incident and I seems to have forgotten about this promise. Cactus, I gave her a pen of Cactus and I had a Cactus on my table, which is given to me by Hong Koon. All these should remind me always, but why am I still like this? On the theme night itself, I affirm Leanne that I will definitely keep to the promise made to her on her birthday, but why is it that I am still struggling?

If I have faith, I shouldn't be struggling and just surrender all to God but why am I still struggling? Have I really just turn a deaf ear against to what Hong Koon, Li Ping, Jasmine, Xiu Zhen and Leanne said? What should I do? I gave myself a deadline, I must get myself out of this whole incident by that day. I dun wish to dwell, I dun wish to continue such life in sorrow and pain and guilt. But one thing I can't deny, I really can't forget what I have done to her, to be cruel and harsh to her when she needed me and I can't forget what I have read in her computer dairy. I may not be the ultmate person to cause her death, but I contributed to her death...

When you are gone and it's too late to say sorry...

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okayI miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okI miss you
We were made for each other Out here forever I know we were Yeah, yeah
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me Yeah
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

Lyrics from 'When You Are Gone"

Someone is gone... From my life... Someone whom loved me dearly, someone whom have always been there for me, someone whom have always endured with all the pain that I gave her and someone whom always do things for me silently behind my back...

I am a murderer, I killed her indirectly... I dint expected her to be so silly, she commit suicide after I rejected her on 22nd of March before I went for my Service and I got a call after my dinner with my Unit Girls that she has been hospitalized. By the time I reached hospital, her sister told me tt she is in coma and doctor want her loved ones to talk to her, to encourage her and to support her to wake up and to get through... I spoke to her, and I know she heard me because she cried and there was some response... But still, she didn't wake up...

And finally, eventually, she left me eternally on 30th of March afternoon, when I wasn't by her side... She left this world... And I just read all her journal entries in her computer, my heart shatters... She hid so much from me, she suffered alone in darkness and I happily dun noe wad's gg on, thought that she was just being crazy... It's too late, no matter what I wanna tell her, it's all too late...

I dun understand, what is so good about me? Why must she love me to the extend of being such foolish to die for me just to show me how much she love me? I was harsh, cruel and bad to her, when she request to patch back with me and not sparing a thought for her, I shatter her love... I wanted so much to just tell her I am sorry, but it's all too late... When she was in coma, i did and said all that I can... But still, she still left this world...

And now, what else can I do? Everything is too late... There's no turning back... What done cannot be undone... I know I have to get over her death, have to pull myself up strong, so that I can help her family and do what I can do for her but I really cant... I pretended and tried to be happy but I failed... Using a smile to cover up my pain and tears is not something within my abilities, I tried to bury myself with work, with church stuff and even my band practices but all these doesn't work... Images of those memories still come flashing...

So what if I feel remorseful, guilty and regretful? So what if I apologize? She is gone, gone forever and will never return and time will never return back to the same again. What done cannot be undone. Each time I see her mum, I am so filled with guilt, but there's nothing I can do. I am preparing her funeral on behalf of her family, because right now, her mum still can't accept her death and her sister have to look after her mum. And I am being given the treatment like as though I am her spouse on the funeral because her family and relatives know about the kind of relations we once had...

I know that God have His purpose for putting me through all these, but seriously, putting up a smile to hide all my tears and pain is something which I can't apply the same thing to this incident... It wasn't easy for me to get over my Dad's death and now, here comes another death into my life... And it's a death which is caused by my selfishness, harshness and cruelty... I wish and i really hope that time could reverse back but it's impossible, she is gone and this is a fact that I have to accept... Whether I like it or not, she is gone...

I never meant to hurt her, I break her heart when I reject her because I dun wish to destory her future with me, I am not a good person to be with, and I dun deserve her love. She is a nice girl, she deserve someone better and not me. If it's possible, I really wanna tell her that I am willing to do anything and everything for as long as she comes back... Whatever it takes, I really hope to see her smile and hear her laughter again...

I know I have to step out of all these, but seriously, I need time. It's not easy to get over a death of your loved ones and especially someone whom u once being together with, loved deeply and someone whom have done so much for you... Words can't describe how much I wanna tell her that I am sorry for all that I have done and said, there isn't any more romance love between us rite now, but still, I can't deny that there's still some feelings between me and her...

I should have read her blog in her comp earlier... Maybe i still won't patch with her, but I will be able to handle better... I have never expected myself to be so important to someone. I know she love me but I didn't expect her to use her death to show me how much she love me... She left behind de not only is pain, tears but regrets too because regrets is all that is filling me up to the brim now...

And now, just when I am in the mid of her funeral, another ex of mine which I dun wish to mention her name is threatening me with her life too. Why? Why do people dun treasure their life and will always like to threaten me with their life? What am I suppose to do? Am I really that charming or something? Why are my ex returning to me to ask for patch? Why bother to say that you realized my importance and presence in your life when I am already disappointed and dun wanna tot about the past relationship anymore? Why bother to tell me that you love me when you hurt me? And why bother to only regret when it's too late and you use your life to tell me that you love me?

I have lost 1 life, I dun wish to cause another death anymore. Stop and dun threaten me with death anymore, if this goes on, I think I will really go bersek! Life is precious and I have learnt my lesson for hurting myself in the past, everyday and everywhere, there will be people struggling to live on, why can't these people learn the importance of life?

I am really very tired le, please stop using death to make me return to you. If you love me, then dun force me and dun restrict me down with your life. If you love me, then respect me and set me free. If you love me, dun torture me. If you love me, live happily and strong because no one can't live without anyone in this world. Each of us are complete in Christ and God is our biggest and only neccessities in life. Nothing and no one else. It took me a long time to get this logic into my life and now that I understand it, all these happens to me.

M, if you are reading this, forgive me that I didn't tell you about Cassie's death and how Cassie is related to me. It's nt that I dun want to tell you but you know that you a vat of vinegar, a little stuff and you will jux kick a fuss out of it. I dun understand y are you following her steps, using your own life to threaten me. But seriously, I really dun wish anything to happen to you. I saw you yesterday, and I saw all the wounds you have gave yourself because of me, I really wanna tell you that you are too silly. Sorry, that I rejected your kiss, I dun wish to give you false hope and it's really over for that romance relationship. Hug is all I can give you... Sorry...

God, are u working on me?

2nd Day of the Arete Camp, I woke up at 7am, snooze the alarm and wake up only at 7.30am then Xiu Zhen asked me to wake the rest of the CG up because she have to go off le. I woke the rest up, went to Downtown with Hong Koon and came back.

Went for the workshop on "Temptations" and it was on Youth getting involved in Pre-Marital Sex. Though it wasn't quite applicable for me, but I believe God have His own reasons for bringing me into that workshop. Whatever He wants me to be there for, I shall entrust myself completely to Him without any doubts.

And now, I am blogggin before I set off with my CG for Golden Mile Complex.

Arete Camp (Day 1)

Wow! Today is the 1st day of our Arete Camp! It's great! I was late due to some stupid stuff, have to host a band footdrills test. Reach the Golden Mile Complex at around 2 plus. When I reach there, they were close to having teaching, Leanne was briefing the camp. Soon, Pastor Jasmine started the teaching. It was a great teaching, "A Sanctified Life" and I have learnt really alot. Repentance, Shuwb which means to turn back and retreat from mistakes and sins. Guilt is just when you escape from the eye of God and even leaders, to prevent punishment and judgment.

A few verses which really touches my heart

"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"

Mattew 16:26

What does this verse means? Or how does this verse applies to me? In fact, alot of times, I will ask myself what is the reason why am I striving or working so hard in Music area. Am I really after fame? Am I after my passion? Or am I just doing something for the sake of creating out a name of myself in this world. Alot of times, I will relfect on my motives before making sure that I won't do anything that doesn't glorfy God. Because so what if I created a name out of this world, having fame, but what I have in soul is just a empty shell.

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

Mattew 26: 41

Temptations is everywhere, even rite now in this camp.

I am tired but...

Jux finish reading Leanne's Blog. Realize quite a few stuff, wow, hers is really real mature and kind of adult format whereby mine still abit childish... Haha... I am still YOUNG... =p

What is life all about? Is it all about pursuing Fame, Career, Money, Romance, Pleasure or Title Shot? Life is brittle, upon facing death, we are nothing but just dust which will be swept across helplessly. Whether you are Christian or not, no one can escape from death. Recently, I had an ex by the name, Cassie has been admitted into hospital and in fact until now, she is still in coma. I have no idea what to do, to make her condition improve. I know I am the reason why she is lying there, but other than loving her in the way she want me to, I can do all the other stuff for her.

Life is been given to us by God, He created us in His image but all of us have fallen short of the perfect standard and we sinned against Him. Even when we failed Him, when we turned our back against Him, He still loves us and still bring us back to Him. No one on Earth loves us as much as God do, Jesus is God's greatest present to His children, us. A perfect man, Jesus died on the Cross to redeem us from our sins, the punishment which is death. Why did he done so? It's out of Love.

Love, some are selfish when it comes to Love and that includes me. Not wanting to share with anyone, alot of time, I hurt the person whom I love and who love me. And because of this reason, I didn't want to get into relationship but still, I got into one after another. I didn't know what was my destination in the relationship, I claim and I always tell the person whom I am in a relationship in with, I love them but do I really love them as much as I am suppose to or shall I ask how much do I know about Love?

Alot of times, I will always tell a particular person in my life, that I am willing to sacrifice everything even God just to show this person how much I love. But after some time, I realize that was a very stupid thing to say because I dun know what is Love at all. Love is not when you said that you are willing to sacrifice everything, but Love is when you know that you sacrifice something to make the person you love happier and not adding to the person's trouble, unfortunates or etc...

Love is when you contribute endlessly without complaining that you are not getting anything back in return. Love is when you are willing to sacrifice your time and just give all your attention to it. And because I love, I am here, helping and leading a team of people for Deco for my unit. It's a great chance to learn, interact, self-test and even to experience something different. I have never tried to do something patiently with my hands because I find it irritating and that's why I am not a Art Student but I managed to trim myself to sit down with my people and crack our skulls together to create a "perfect" props.

In fact, I feel very honored to be given the chance to be overseeing the girls for the deco because I never expected it but still, I am very thankful that mostly coorperate with me. And though, right now, we are still not complete but we are just a few steps to our destination of completing all that requires to be done. I suppose and I believe that our props may not be great but will assist the drama to win and outshine the rest. We shall be the highlights for the Talent Night.

Since I can't help by contributing in the Choir due to an flu which came at the very damm wrong timing, which have badly affected my singing. And I am currently still deaf on my left, though it doesn't affect my daily life much but still, it bothers me alot. I am touched by all the love, care, concern, understanding given by my team these few days. As I was juggling my time, travelling around, going to the hospital and here and there, sometime would even be late to meet them, but still, they forgive me and help me to ensure the props are being done smoothly.

I am very proud of my team of people, though we have fun and sometime do delay abit of the time for the completion but still, when it's time to be serious about work, I am very glad that they all done a great job in helping me to finish all these props. It wasn't easy but with the perfect teamwork, understanding and not forgetting the prayers by our loved ones and dear brothers and sisters, we managed to cope through.

I am tired, still recovering from my flu and I hope to recover asap because I dun wanna to go camp with my nose like this. But still, because I love this unit of mine, this care group of mine, I wanna contribute something which is within my ability to do so, I wanna help Yoke Ling with something which I can, to help her share the workload and encouraging her.

Yoke Ling, dun thanks me, thank God for bringing me to you bah. You were there for me when I was down too, you didn't give up on me when I gave up on myself and you gave me lots of useful advices. To me, you are just like a great friend whom I know that you will always and forever stand by me, and running this race with me. You are a great nice, caring and kind girl, I am glad that God have bring you to His court to serve Him with His giftings to you. You are definitely a talented Artist to me. Be looking forward to more great remarkable workpiece from you. :)

Though this race may not be easy, I always like to tell myself and my loved ones that God will make a way when there seems to be no way. True enough, just when I thought that Joyce and I will never be talking, in a same lift and kind of on good terms, God shows me that it is possible and it happen on 22nd of March.

I took the same lift with her, she indirectly speaks to me in the lift (dun wanna explain in details cause it's quite silly) and kind of keep thanking each other. I realize she wasn't as bad as what I thought and indeed, I admit that I am slowly accepting her, changing my views of her and knowing that she is a leader who is worth me learning from. She is quite a remarkable person in Youth Ministry, I heard about her excellent leadership reputations and I have witness them myself. Of course, I do hope that through Hong Koon, Joyce and I will be on good terms instead of the awkward terms in the past.

And of course, for a few stuff with regards to my personal life. I have no more wish to clarify anything which I think there's no point doing so. Therefore, whatever those rumors says or slanderers who like to go around to slander about me, I dun wanna care anymore because I know that God knows the truth and one day, He will return justice to me because He loves me. For better or worse, I know that for sure, no matter what happens in my life, God will be with me always because He loves me...

I am pissed and tired...

Why is it that 2 Human Beings can really find it hard to communicate with each other at times? And mostly when we are trying to clarify something, the more we try to clarify, things will get worsen at alot of times. I dun understand why is it so hard to communicate with each other or to even understand each other heart to heart and not judging by anger or what you simply think at that very moment.

Had a long day today, were late due to some stuff in Hospital, my ex, Cassie is still in coma, condition, not much improvements but I believe she will wake up soon...

Reached Bras Basah late because of the delay, the Mac which I went with Denise to had a great talk about my relationships. I still rmb every single details of that day. =)

Everything was still okay and the most memorable was when I was stuck in City Hall with my girls, not knowing whether to go AMK or to go C.W but end up, we still went C.W to Stephen's house. Wow, he stay next to my God-Daddy's house, which is juxt next blk, not unit... We spent 3 hours plus to finish a Cross which we are rather proud of... And for the left over props, we have to do our very best and I believe with the team, I am able to finish everything by deadline...

DI mux outshine all the other units, we must win and definitely we will... With all the preparations that have made, all the hard work, and prayers, I believe we will have rather flying colors results... Results is not important but what matters most is the process, the bondings we have with each other, the teamwork and the lessons learnt... Therefore, I just wanna say, I treasure this very 1st assignment since I join DI, to take charge of the Deco with Stephen, I feel proud of this whole team and especially the Cross. Though the journey and process of completing it wasn't really easy but thank God, we managed to pull through with all the teasings, laughter and playing...

I learnt alot through this whole assignment, though now is only half complete and another half must die die complete by tomorrow, I believe by God's grace, I shall be able to finish all of them with my great team... And let's hope the process will be smoother and we will produce remarkable props for the drama team and with every single one who play a part in this whole performances, we shall outshine the rest.

And just to clarify something, because the time left for the finishing of props is just 1 day, I have decided to just invite a few Sisters to my house to complete the leftover undone props. If you are not chosen or invited, please do not feel that we are kicking you aside or etc. My house is not a big one, and in fact, we will be doing the stuff inside my room. Because right now, I shifted a 1-seat sofa into my room, thus, I can't afford to have too many people in my room. Beside, from what I can observe today, it's not really conducive with too many people working on 1 stuff at the same time.

I know everyone want to do a part for the props, but from what I can observe today, I know who are the ones who really contribute and who are the ones who just kind of being forced. I made myself clear during the meeting that I dun and won't force people to attend if they dun intend to, all they need, is just to inform me. I won't mention names but I see the effort which we all really put in, in completing the Cross. I am proud, very, to say that I play a part in completing this. I will reflect on my part, on whether I have been leading this team well or what are the areas which I need to grow in. I know I was late and this isn't something good but I sincerly apologize and it won't repeat again because in fact, I hate to be late.

And of course, I welcome all suggestions, feedbacks and etc. It's my 1st time leading a team in dis church, it's a good experiences and I learnt alot. I know I still have alot of areas to breakthrough and grow in, I will do my best of course, to soar the very best and with God, I know it's possible.

What am I suppose to do to help dis sleeping beauty?

I realize it's always too late to wake up and know that you have done something wrong or you have passed by something which may results you to regret for the rest of your life... And this is something which have recently happen to me...

I had an ex, by the name of Cassie (short) and I knew her when I was 16 on a Christmas night at Boat Quay together with a group of secondary school friends and even when I am with another ex by the name of Jacelyn. She used to be a girl full of joy and despite the fact that her life was in a mess at that time, she is always full of joy, courage and will inspire me to move on even when I was feeling down. She is always there for me, when I am troubled and tired but never once am I there when she needed me.

Even after we got together, I failed her times again and have only disappoint and hurt her but she will always forgive me and continue to stay by my side to love me. Maybe in alot of people's eyes, she is just a girl who work in those indecent places thus, that makes her indecent too but I have never thought of her like this before. To me, she is no difference with other girls, and I knew that she is someone who love herself and will protect herself. Though I always got sensitive about her job, I knew that eventually, I still have to accept her and everything about her including her job.

She did all that she can to compromise as according to my wish, force herself to go places with me which I knew she dun like, watch movies with me which she dun understand, listen to music which make her doze off yet she still accompany me through all these because she wanna spend time with me. When I am sick, injured, she will always be there by my side to take care of me, endure with all my bad tantrums and no matter how badly or harsh I treated her, nothing could stop her from coming near to me.

We broke up because I went into another relationship with someone else whom I dun wanna mention, and I am the one at fault. Even so, throughout these recent years and months, she have never leave my side for far and will always be at nearby. She know every move of mine and even my recent relationship details which I dun understand why and how she knew. And just on 22nd of March, I eventually lead her to suicide and I really didn't know what have happened to her till I met her sister at hospital.

She was wheel chair bounded due to an accident, she gave up on her life and only hope is that I would return to her, to be there for her, to encourage her, support her and be with her. I didn't know all these, and now she is in coma due to excessive dosage of sleeping pills mixed with drugs and alcohol. What am I suppose to do? It breaks my heart to see her lying there, someone who used to be full of joy, always jumping and dancing around is now lying on the bed motionless... Doctor is unable to conclude whether she is fine or not unless she get out of this coma...

Haix... It seems like and will be a long process to her full recovery, and I really wonder how am I suppose to help her through if she refuse to get herself out of this coma... It has been the 4th day since she got hospitalized and got into coma... I am going tired and weary despite it's only 4 days... My eye bags are getting heavier and worsen alot daily... My flu awhile got better and awhile torture me like mad and I seriously wish to recover asap...

One thing for sure, one day she do not recover, I will not be able to laugh with joy and be at ease... I am responsible for her though I have never thought that she would be so silly to just commit suicide just because I gave her cold shoulder, be harsh to her or keep rejecting her for her request to return to my side... Like what Hong Koon said, it's not worth... Whether is it worth doing so for the sake of me or etc, she is too foolish le...

I dun deny that I still remember those times I had with her, but it's all past and now, my focus is just on my CG, Unit, School, Bands, Choir, Family, Health, Friends (Close), God and of course, to be honest, the girl whom I still can't withdraw out of my heart. Whether it is in whatever form of relations, one thing that nobody can deny is that we are all God's creations and in one family of Christ. As for my relations with Cassie, whatever it will be, I just want her to get out of this coma soon, the rest, we shall just talk after she recover...

This is a life, I have witness how brittle life was, and I know how precious 1 life is to God, I dun wish to just give up on a life like this. And that's why I find myself damm stupid beyond words description to slid my wrist over a "Btihc" who toyed with my feelings, deceive me with her tears and promises. And it's because of her, I become damm sensitive and indirectly hurt a little girl who just want a shoulder to rest on, a arms to be in when she's hurt and someone to be there for her when she needs...

If only time would be turn back, would everything still be at this state for me?

Despite all these misfortunates, I am still glad to be in this CG of mine. Though earlier, I was having some minor misunderstandings, but like what Xiu Zhen said, it takes 2 hands to clap, maybe I should also reflect on myself. Whatever it is, it's all past and I believe through this coming camp, the bondings me and my CG will definitely get closer. And I just wanna affirm my shepherd, no matter how close I am to my spiritual bud, no matter what had happened or may happen, you will always be my shepherd and someone whom I will always treasure in my life. Dun misunderstand when I turn to Leanne, it's different, she is more than a leader to me, but a friend whom I can rest on, and is just a very close friend who is close to my heart and so close till I will always affirm of the promise I had with her, our shared vision.

You and this CG will always be in my heart, and be the one of the most important factors in my life which keeps me going when I am weary and tired. CG is my refuge other than church because I know that whatever that will happen or I may have done wrong in some areas, my CG will always be there for me... And for this, I really appreciate everyone of those who are inside my CG... Whether it is you, my current shepherd who will always protect me and comfort me when I am hurt... Yoke Ling (Lao Ma) whom will give me advices when I am lost, support me when I am discouraged... Hui Yin whom brought me to this CG... Jol whom will always bicker with me, whom I will like to tickle and whom will never fails to bring a smile to my face... Xiu Zhen whom I will always respect, trust and learn from... Even those whom I didn't mention here, all of your are precious to me and this is what I wanna affirm each of you...

It's a long way since my new beginning of new life...

Isn't it a small world? Or too dramatic? We got baptized on the same day, same venue BUT not same time... But still, I am rather glad for her that she would still get baptized despite the fact that if her paretns were to know, she gonna face persecutions... Until now, I still can't forget how that moment feels when I was being baptized... It was drizzling quite heavily too, the water cold and my heart was racing inside...

Upon reaching the pool, I was wondering where is Leanne because I believe she must have been involved too and I hope that she would withness my baptism too. Just then, she appear in front of me, inside the pool with the Label same as my grouping... I was like kind of fainting... I was very nervous, and I believe it was due to the nearing of my new start... I went down the pool, approach Leanne with her arm stretching towards me...

She smile at me, and that warm up my heart... I was asked the 3 important questions, then Leanne prayed for me... Her voice was surrounding my head, I could hear her really loudly and clearly (nt because she is just praying beside me, by my ears)... I was touched by her prayers... And here it is, the important moment, I went down the icy cold water and came up with a brand new start... The first person I saw upon opening my eyes was Leanne, she was smiling to me and she said "Congrats" to me...

On this day itself, I met a great friend and this person is in turn my spiritual bud now, Li Ping... God really works on us in such special way till we both really just can't help but being amazed by the amount of similarities in us... No worries, Li Ping is one of the greatest blessings in my life, no matter what, I believe we will stand strong to each other and help each other overcome whatever that is obstructing our own spiritual growth... We made a promise to soar together up high in God's will and I shall not forget it...

Coming up, hmmm... finally made a very "brave?" decision, meet up with Leanne on 13th of March... Suppose to watch "Step Up 2" but we ended up talking about some problems... Li Ping started first and I shall not share what she said due to it's her personal matters... Then Leanne speak to me privately after she left... Woo! My heart really thumpt out man! That's the most heart racing dinner which I ever have in my life... We ordered the same thing, just that the beverage was different? Hers is Hot Milk Tea while mine is Ice Lemon Tea...

That was definitely a memorable night, it's my first time seeing her with such casual clothings, sweet pink top elbow length and a black shorts with black heels... Hmmm... Of course, I am still wondering when would we be able to watch my movie, "Step Up 2" but I believe soon... I believe she have been quite busy cause I could always see her stoning here and there which is when she is either thinking about something or she is resting... Such a wonderful person... And I am really glad, thankful that she is here in my life...

Hmmm... And now, it's time to share a very frightening and memorable moment in my life... I was lost in a industrial park which I have never been to in my entire whole life... And it was during 14th of March, just a day of my most beautiful day in my life... I was suppose to go Jacob's Place and I am lost somehow... As for the details, I won't mention because it's kind of stumbling... But I really wanna thank God for Abigail, without her appearing at that crucial moment, I am sure I won't make it there to Jacob's Place...

Leanne came late and was chosen to be the one to play the wacko game... Haha... It's really very amusing to watch her play, she kept screaming and of course, I was very emotionally affected by the incident before I reach... But upon seeing her, I just can't help smiling... And after the game, we have our own fellowship... I went to rest on the mattress with Li Ping and Hong Koon, came to talk to us, play with us and of course not forgetting with Felicia too...

My CG was sitting on the Sofa whole night through... They were having fun chatting away... Leanne sat beside Xiu Zhen that night.. Though they were chatting, but could see her stoning here and there... Lols... Just then, James asks us to go to the front to watch sum DVDs... As the show, was really not my type, we switch and watch "House of Wax"... I sat just next to the sofa and was leaning against it while Leanne is just sitting behind my back...

She asked me what show we were watching and knowing she is afraid of watching horror or scary movie, I told her, it's better for her not to watch or she will be scared... But surprisingly, she watched before... I passed her the cushion which I was hugging because I think she would want something to hug and true enough, she hug the cushion... She was awhile chatting and awhile watching and awhile stoning...

That night was made memorable because of her... And of course, I will forgive whatever that is wrong that night but seriously, I have yet get over this incident and I really need time... But still, I am right now rather busy with alot of stuff so please understand if I get abit moody or impatient... I will control myself for the time being... And not forgetting to surrender all to God and let Him take charge of my life... Hopefully through this entry, all will know what happen to me...